My Resolutions 2011

As per tradition of this blog, I would like to formaly annouce my New Year's Resolutions for 2011 and reflect upon my resolutions from 2010.

It was noted in 2010 that I wanted to:

1. Get in (better) shape

2. Save lots of money and buy a house in 2011

3. Be proactive with my friendships

Did I get in better shape in 2010? You know what, I think I did. I didn't stick to my work out all the time, but I did enjoy my time pole dancing, and I also started going to the gym again. I did a bit of running in the summer, and I look forward to keeping up the good work in 2011!

Did I save lots of money so that I could buy a house in 2011? Not quite... I did seriously consider getting myself involved in a rent-to-own condo deal, but my car broke down around the same time and my financial advisor advised me to get a new car first and then when it's paid off in 4 years, I can start looking at getting a real mortgage.

Did I become more proactive with my friendships? I did make a conscious effort to get out of the house and call my friends instead of waiting for them to call me. I could have done a better job, but I'm pleased with the progress I've made in regards to making new friends and continuing previous relationships.

My resolutions for 2011 are as follows:

1. Live within my means

2. Get back to working on my second novel

3. Learn to play my ukulele or harmonica or both

With the new car payments and new apartment, I really need to focus on cutting back my expenses, limiting my credit card use, and paying off my line of credit. I eat out too much and that can cost $100 a week or more!

I'd like to start writing again. I've got one module left for my Creative Writing course and my book hasn't been touched in months. I haven't even thought about it. I'd love to start her up again and maybe even finish it by 2012.

I received a harmonica for Christmas. I also received a ukulele back in 2010. It would be nice if I could learn how to play at least one of them properly. I've never been driven to learn an instrument ever before, but hopefully I can at least try to get the hang of one of them.

Those are my resolutions for 2011!

Celebrating Womanhood!

I was reading about a woman who's niece had started her period for the first time. She wanted to do something special for her niece to celebrate the ocassion, but after mentioning the idea to some coworkers who didn't respond positively, she started to second-guess herself. Her niece is living with her on a semi-permanent basis and was quite excited about entering womanhood.

Where else do you turn when you need answers? The internet! Complete strangers always come through for us online, don't they?

A lot of responses in the comments section highlighted that getting your period is embarrassing, especially when you're young, and then celebrating it and making a big deal out of it would be very horrible and make the poor girl want to die. Also, that nobody should celebrate getting their period because it's just a mundane thing that's going to happen to you for the next fifty years.

However, there were even more responses saying, hey, this is big deal for some girls! Why not go out and celebrate? Take her shopping, go out for a nice dinner, buy her jewelery, go to the salon; go out and do whatever she wants to do to celebrate! This is a major milestone in her life, one she won't soon forget.

I know you're all dying to know what my take on the subject is... I'm pro celebration of course!

Growing up I anticipated my period coming, but was still very unsure about how it all worked. The reading material provided to me was confusing and I didn't really understand it.

I actually got my "first period" three times growing up. The very first time was near the end of August. I can't remember the year, or how old I was, but I remember I was in Kenora with my friend at her uncle's cabin with her family celebrating her birthday. I may have been eleven.

We had put on our swimsuits and gone into the hot tub. I noticed a single drop of blood in swimsuit after getting out and drying off to get changed back into my normal clothes. I told my friend and she found this giant diaper like pad under the sink for me to wear. It was huge! I can't remember if I even bled in it, but I didn't bleed again until a year later.

For the second "first period" I was in Ontario. Again. (Not Kenora though.) My mother, sister, and I were visiting some family friends who used to live in Manitoba with us. My mom's friend had two sons aged the same as my sister and I. I went to the bathroom and there was a small amount of blood, but luckily not on my clothes or underwear. I found a panty-liner under the sink. I didn't want the boys in the house to know and my mom was gone. I spotted for at least a day, maybe two and that was it. There was practically no blood at all.

Finally I got my actual period! It was in the summer again the next year. I was going into grade 7 or 8, I can't remember. I went to the bathroom and peed. There was no blood on my clothes or anything, but when I went to flush, omfg I nearly died. Bright red blood and tons of it! I freaked out, crying and called the Kids Help Phone ha-ha. The last two years there was barely any blood at all and I had no idea there was going to be so much when I started my period for real! I was home alone and scared. From then on I kept getting periods month after month.

There was no celebration for any of my first periods. It was all very secretive, not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't know how to tell people and my mother was absent for all three! Mom noticed the wrappers in the trash and open the door to my room half way to tell me she'd noticed I started my period and that was all. No talk. No gifts. No celebration. Not even a hug!

I was dismayed by her reaction. I had worked myself up to this point for three or four years and I still felt scared about everything, but I wasn't one to admit my fears aloud. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't have the internet. What's normal? What isn't? I proudly wrote in my journal all about it for a week straight, being as detailed as I could so I could keep track of my ever-changing body.

For probably a year, every month when I got my period I'd write about it proudly. To me, it was a celebration every month! It was an affirmation of my womanhood!

And when I started having sex, I used to celebrate getting my period all the time! It meant I wasn't pregnant! That's definitely something to celebrate when you're in high school and being bombarded with teen pregnancy statistics every other day! Sometimes my boyfriend would celebrate with me because he'd be just as relieved as I was to get it!

The point of all this is that if I have a daughter I'm going to celebrate her period and treat her like a queen for a day! Menstruating it totally natural and normal and I don't think it's a taboo subject at all. I talk about it with my friends openly. I talk about it with my boyfriend openly. The more openly you discuss menstruation with others, the less weird it is as a whole to society. Look how far we've come already regarding various other "taboo" subjects: homosexuality, sexually transmitted infections, masturbation, and addictions to name a few.

It's only weird and embarrassing if we let it become that way.

Unsatisfied

I don't know why I can't just be satisfied with what I have. I'm constantly yearning for more, wanting what is just out of reach. This desire to aquire the unobtainable is putting a strain on my life. The funny thing is that I have no idea what it is that I'm looking for!

I should be happy because I've got a new apartment and I'm finally moving out of my mother's basement.
I should be happy because I bought a new car and I've never had a new car before.
I should be happy because I'm dating the most wonderful man in the world who is perfect for me in every way.
I should be happy because I have a job that pays well and I'm living comfortably and have everything I need.
I should be happy because I have amazing friends who love me and like spending time with me, just as I love them and enjoy spending time with them too!

Why can't that be enough?
Why does there have to be something more?
What more could there be?

I don't know if I'm unhappy; I honestly can't tell. I feel like maybe I might not be happy.

I feel fairly angry. I've been snapping at my boyfriend and getting annoyed much quicker than usual. I'm just frustrated and bored and I want to get out of this country and go somewhere warm for a while.

Natural Family Planning

First of all, I hope you've noticed that I've added a search bar to my blog. This blog is getting old! There's a lot of content hidden in here so I figured it would be nice if people could search for stuff a little easier. Since Blogger added the stat, I realized this blog gets a lot more traffic than I orginally thought it did.

But back to the topic at hand - I've been doing some research! Below are three natural family planning techniques. For the last year I've been using the Standard Days Method and it's worked just fine for me. I've successfully avoided pregnancy for well over 6 months. I had 2 pregnancy scares in that time, but one of those doesn't count because I just got confused over some information and was hysterical for nothing.

I bought a Basal thermometer last week so I could start taking my temperature and figure out when I've been ovulating. You have to keep track of it every day at the same time in the morning each day. So far I'm failing. I'm going to have to start over next month. After six months of charting I'll probably have enough data and won't have to do it anymore until I actually want to get pregnant.

Combining methods will make my unprotected sex life much safer I hope. My boyfriend and I do not use condoms and I am not on the pill. We hate both of them. The pill has too many side effects. I've tried taking three different brands several times throughout the past 7 years and I loathe the birth control pill every single time. I don't reccommend it to anybody. Condoms are just annoying and neither of us can feel anything during sex while he's wearing one.

Standard Days Method: Count the first day of your period as day 1. On days 1 to 7 you are not fertile and can have unprotected intercourse. On days 8 to 19 you must avoid sex or use a barrier method if you do not want to get pregnant. From day 20 until your period starts you can have unprotected sex. There is a 5% failure rate. You can buy "Cycle Beads" which is just a visual way to keep track of where you are in your cycle. I prefer to just write it down in my agenda. This method cannot be used if your menstrual cycle runs less than 26 days long or longer than 32 days.

That's why there is the counting method!

Counting Method: The first day of menstrual bleeding is day 1 of your cycle. Count the length of your cycle until the first day of your next period and record the number for 6 months. Subtract 18 from your shortest cycle in the past 6 months. Subtract 11 from your longest cycle in the past 6 months. For example, 18 from 28 is 10, 11 from 32 is 21. From day 10 to day 21 is your most fertile time and you should use some type of barrier protection to prevent pregnancy or abstain from intercourse.

Basal Temperature Method: This method is more time consuming. You have to check your temperature at the same time in the morning every day. Your basal temperature does not tell you when you will ovulate. It only tells you when it is done. You will have relatively low temperatures from the time of your period until you ovulate. Ovulation will cause a rise of about 6/10th of one degree. This rise can happen in a day or it can stair-step up over a period of several days. So to avoid pregnancy, avoid having unprotected sex until the your temperatures are recorded for three consecutive days at .4 F higher than your temperatures were for the six days previous to the rise.

If your cycle runs between 26-32 days and you qualify to use the Standard Days Method safely, you can use the counting method as well to double check to make sure your safe days are the same using both methods.

Along with taking your basal temperature, you can check your cervical mucus. It's kind of gross. You have to note the color, (yellow, white, clear or cloudy) and consistency, (thick, sticky, stretchy) as well as how it feels (dry, wet, sticky, slippery, stretchy).  It's all very time intensive and and so much can throw it all off, ie: not taking your temperature at the same time every day, if you're sick, if you didn't get enough sleep, and so on.

And then you chart it all! You write all of this down every single day! You're also supposed to chart when you bleed and when you have intercourse and all sorts of other stuff! Too much! I'm just going to worry about trying to take my temperature and not worry about cervical mucus ha-ha. I'll probably give up on it all too soon, but I'll try at least. The thermometer was only $20.

One final thought: Natural family planning should not be used by sluts and whores. These methods do not prevent sexually transmitted infections or diseases and you and your partner should both get a clean bill of health from the doctor before embarking on something like this. Also, unless the man is really awesome at pulling out, be sure to have some sort of barrier protection for when you decide to have sex on her fertile days! Happy safe unsafe sex!

Med Free

Maybe I shouldn't have gone off my meds... I'm feeling less than stellar lately. I'm not feeling depressed or suicidal; I'm feeling angry. I'm just mad in general. I don't know why. I thought it was withdrawal symptoms, or my period, but it could be anything - or nothing for that matter. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I know I should be happy because there isn't really a good reason for me to be angry, but I still feel like I need to get away. Little things are setting me off. It's not a buildup either. I'm not holding anything back I don't think. Everyone's pissing me off and I'm highly irritable. By everyone I mean my family. By family I mean my mother.

I could go into detail, but I'll spare your eyes.

I just want to go to sleep for a month and have nobody bother me. No phone, no internet, no anything. Just me and my music and an enormous bottle of sleeping pills.

House Warming 2011

It just goes to show that Chelsea Ribbon always gets what she wants!

After getting the car I wanted I now have the apartment I wanted!

I scoured kijiji looking for a place to rent in January when I came across a delightful one bedroom on Midwinter Ave, a meer four blocks from my beloved boyfriend's apartment. It was the only ad I responded to and the only apartment I viewed.

When I walked in I fell in love and decided that this apartment was going to be mine no matter what! Unfortunately I was a Friday evening when I viewed the place and had to wait until Monday to hand in my application.

I spent $7 on a money order to pay the damage deposit since I lost my cheque book. I was really mad because there already a couple of application pending and mine would only get reviewed once they others were disqualified.

Just my luck! I got a call this morning that my application had gone through and I was accepted. I dropped off my money order before going to work. They said they'd call again soon to sign some papers and stuff since I'd be taking over the end of someone else's lease. The possession date is December 23rd!

I can't actually move in that day because of work and the holidays, so it will all probably have to wait until the first week of January. Either way, I'm really excited to get out of the basement and into my own place again!

House warming party to come in 2011!

It's a Smart Car!

Yesterday I remedied my walking-woes by buying a new car! It's a 2006 Smart Fortwo Coup Passion. I love my new car! I'd post pictures, but it's covered in snow right now and I'm too lazy to clean it off and make it look nice for the internet.

It's fully loaded. A diesel. I get about 60 mpg, but that's an estimate I got online. I was also reading that Canada stopped selling diesel Smart Cars after 2007 because they weren't meeting the emission standards. I hope my 2006 is meeting current emission standards!

Something that's different about my Smart car is that it has an automated manual transmission without a clutch pedal. I can drive in automatic mode, or if I want, I can switch to the "manual" mode. It's not totally manual, but you can choose when you'd like to shift by pressing the gear stick up or down. There's like a digital display on the dash that shows how much gas you have, mileage, and all that. There it will show an up arrow if you're not shifting fast enough. I tried it once and then went back to driving in automatic.

I find the car to be slightly jerky. I feel the car shifting gears and I hit my head on the back of the seat a lot ha-ha. I think it's because I'm not used to driving it yet. When I took it on a test drive, the dealership manager came with me at my request and he drove the car for a bit first so that he could explain all the features while he drove. It was a smooth drive when he drove ha-ha!

Another curious thing about the car is that it doesn't roll forward when you put it in drive. You know how when you put your car in drive it just starts to go without you even pressing on the gas pedal? In this car, you don't creep forward at all! In fact, you have to put a substantial amount of pressure on the gas pedal to get going.

Everyone always complains about the lack of space in a Smart car and that they'd much rather have the backseat as an option should they need it. All Smart cars have a cargo area. You can fit luggage for two people in there, or a month's worth of groceries. A couple things it does not have that I wish it did is a glove box, a second cup holder, and more buttons to save radio stations. You can only save four!

Honestly, the Smart car has all the space I need. When I had a backseat in the past, I literally threw garbage back there and forget what all was there! I carried a microwave in my backseat for five months!!! I never have passengers in my car, ever, except for perhaps Bob, and he fits just fine in the car.

This car fits my lifestyle. It's affordable. My insurance is a hundred bucks a month and half a tank of diesel cost me eleven dollars! I bought the car and a four year warranty for $14,448.00 after taxes! My car payments are $365 a month for four years and I can make lump sum payments against my loan at any time for any amount.

I take the bus to work since parking downtown costs over ten bucks a day. I only use my car to run personal errands and to drive to Bob's or my friend's houses. What do I need a bigger car for if that's all I do with my vehicle?

Way To Walk No Legs

I am officially a pedestrian today. My 1993 Cavalier failed me at poor time and now I'm car-less. The mechanic straight up told me that he wasn't going to waste anybody's time working on my car because it wasn't worth it.

Brake line was leaking fluid. Head gasket leaked. The radiator was plugged. The undercarriage was rusted badly.

I'm aggravated. Today I drove my car to the scrapyard and received $150 for it. I just had brand new tires put on it 3 months ago that cost me over $200, but alas, something is better than nothing I suppose. ...grumble grumble grumble...

I have no car. I have no money to buy a new car, not even a used car! I was planning on moving out in January, possibly buying a condo. I can't do that now because I don't want to take on too much debt at once when I'm technically already in debt.

I'm going to speak to a financial adviser at my bank this week and see what can be done to help me out. Perhaps I can make all the purchases I want to make with a bit of planning and a couple loans.

At first I was feeling really angry, like Why Me? Why can't I catch a fucking break? I was basically feeling sorry for myself and looking for a handout. That car was a piece of shit and I should have known its break down day was coming soon. I've made a couple of poor financial decisions since moving into mom's basement. I can only blame myself. Oh well... life. Fuck it.

No Orgasms

I've been taking Celexa for three weeks now and it's ruining my sex life.
Well, it's not ruining it per se, but it's affecting it negatively. I find that I am aroused just the same as I was, pre-Celexa, and also pre-Wellbutrin, but coming to orgasm is increasingly difficult. My boyfriend does a wonderful job of turning me on and hitting all my spots, but I'm just not able to feel that "whoosh" that I used to feel.

I appologize in advance if what you're about to read becomes too graphic, but it's all in the name of science, so please read on. I'll try not to be too crude.

Before intercourse, my boyfriend and I will go through the usual foreplay we like to do together: kissing, biting, sucking, massaging ect... which makes me totally wet and ready to go, so we proceed with intercourse. It always feels wonderful and I always get to the point where I know that an orgasm is possible, but *just not yet!* We can't be having sex for 2 hours so I can have a single orgasm. That's unreasonable and impractical.

So, my boyfriend finishes when he's ready to and that's fine with me. Not including foreplay, we'll have sex from anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes, depending on our mood. I don't feel disappointed or frustrated at all because I personally feel as though sex is about the journey, not the destination; however it would be nice to have an orgasm during sex again. I've brought myself to orgasm using toys when I'm alone, but those masturbating sessions take about 2 hours to complete. Sometimes after that long, I don't even orgasm! The toy will die on me before I finish! That's the only frustrating thing.

But there's something else I wanted to blog about regarding orgasms. During intercourse and masturbating sessions I ejaculate, but don't orgasm. Hopefully you can follow my train of thought here because a lot of people think that when a woman has an orgasm she ejaculates, so surely I must be having an orgasm, correct? Wrong! There's cum everywhere, I can feel it, but I didn't feel an orgasm. I looked it up online and it's common for some woman to experience this, not necessarily while on drugs, but just in general.

Also, I've experienced some sort of spontaneous female ejaculation business more than once. A few hours after sex or masturbating without having an orgasm, I'll feel this gush between my legs and my panties feel really wet. For the ladies reading this, I'd say that it feels similar to when you're on your period and you stand up after sitting for a long time and you feel gravity do its thing. Anyway, the first time this spontaneous ejaculation thing happened, I went to the washroom to see what was going on and was surprised about all the cum. My panties were soaked! But did I have an orgasm? Nope! In fact it more so felt like I was peeing myself and wasn't all that pleasurable. Just annoying!

Next thing you know I'll be having wet dreams ha-ha!

Everything downstairs is working, if you know what I mean; I just can't experience a decent orgasm. I'm blaming the Celexa. I could orgasm fine on Wellbutrin. I see the doctor next week and I'm going to tell him that I don't want to continue taking Celexa.

In fact, I've made the decision to discontinue taking any sort of anti-depressants and go au naturale and see what happens. Even though I feel stable and normal, I don't know if it's because I am actually stable and normal, or if it's because of the Celexa. Time will tell. Wish me luck. (And an orgasm!)

♥

I'm so in love!

I'd shout it from the top of a mountain but I don't have a mountain; I have a blog!

I don't know what's come over me, but I'm suddenly so incredibly enamored with Bob, more-so than normal.

Even after being together for nearly 6 months things still feel really new, like I just met him yesterday. It's not lust though - no, definitely not lust! The sex is unbelievably incredible, but it's so much more than!

I'm super stoked to go over to his house and watch tv all night. I'm excited to hang out with his family on a Sunday. I adore listening to him play guitar and sing for me. I even like it when he smokes his first cigarette in the morning in his underwear and t-shirt. His hair is a mess and he needs a shave, but he looks so rugged and sexy! I look like shit, no make-up, tangled hair, but he smiles at me and I can't help but blush and feel beautiful.

I really don't know what's come over me... I just feel like I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is real! Pinch me!

I even googled, "how do you know it's real love?"

Do you remember when you were in middle school or high school and you had a crush on someone and you were pretty sure they had a crush on you too, but of course you didn't know for sure. So, you'd just keep flirting back and forth, for days, weeks even, holding your breath the whole time, waiting for something to happen that would ruin it all. It's like that, except I already know he likes me back. I can exhale any time I want to... I'm just too excited to breathe!

Cold Turkey

I quit Wellbutrin cold turkey. It wasn't on purpose, I just forgot to take it two days in a row. I feel fantastic! I was supposed to ween myself off the Wellbutrin for a week or two and then start on the Celexa. I don't want to take any drugs right now; I feel awesome!

I'm eating, I'm energized, I'm having fun, my sex life is incredible, and most importantly I'm happy. I really, truly am happy.

That book I blogged about it, The Art of Happiness, is such a great read! I definitely recommend it to anyone whether they're happy already or not. I wouldn't quite say it's life altering, but it's definitely refreshing. I've already started trying to implement what I've learned from the book and applying it to my life, especially one thing in particular:

We are all human beings seeking happiness while trying to avoid suffering.
I believe that statement to be true and that's what I've been reminding myself every day. When you approach a person and think of that person as being your equal, it's much easier to converse, share, be compassionate, and patient. We are all humans first, and then our ethnicity, age, and so on second.

I used to walk into a room of people feeling socially awkward and totally out of place. What if they think I'm weird? What if nobody likes me? What if I humiliate myself by saying something stupid?

Recently I showed up at a party where I only knew a few people. Everyone was drinking except me (because of the Wellbutrin-seizure-inducing business.) I was anxious at first, but I reminded myself that we are human beings seeking happiness while trying to avoid suffering. I felt calmer. I talked to people and felt comfortable. Everyone was really friendly and I had nothing to worry about after all. I made some new friends without the help of alcohol and I hope to see them again soon.

Knowing Maxwell will read this blog, I don't want to use the term road-rage, but I do experience road irritability where I shout expletives at the top of my lungs to idiot drivers, speed, and am just generally angry behind the wheel, wanting to get to my destination as soon as possible, not giving a fuck about laws I may break getting there.

This is a tougher one, but reminding myself that we are all human beings seeking happiness while trying to avoid suffering helps ease some - just some -  of the stress I feel while driving. Perhaps the moron, I mean human being, driving 45km/hr in a 60 zone has a reason for doing so and I shouldn't judge that driver or wish sudden death upon him or her.

It was relatively easy to accept this idea into my life because I think I'm already a fairly compassionate person... writing inmates, giving rides to hitch hikers, giving spare change to beggars, volunteering ect.

There are still many areas of my life that need work, absolutely, but I think this is great start! Like I said, I feel pretty damn excellent right now. I have so much in my life that I'm thankful for and I couldn't ask for more. I'm seeing my therapist Tuesday for our second encounter and I'm really looking forward to it. There's so much to discuss, but I doubt we'll get it all covered in an hour.

To everyone in blogger-land that supports me and reads about my mundane life, much love, peace, I wouldn't be here without you guys!

BiPolar

I went and saw my doctor finally. I told him everything that's been going on the last 2 weeks. The highs, the lows, the headaches, the rage, the hysterical crying, overwhelmed feelings...

He started asking me all these other questions that I couldn't answer because I couldn't remember. He was asking me to think about certain behaviours and feelings I may have noticed that I exhibit in other seasons. I don't know. I honestly tried to think really hard, but I didn't know. He was giving me examples, but I couldn't really tell. I didn't know for sure. He think I'm bipolar. The Wellbutrin would exacerbate bi-polar symptoms because people who are bipolar aren't supposed to take anti-depressants; they should take mood stabilizers instead.

I don't think I'm bipolar. I've always been moody and a bit of a drama queen. Trying to remember several months back if I was cycling over longer periods of time, like weeks, is too hard to remember. If I was indeed cycling, I most likely would have attributed it to my personality, or some external factors that I thought triggered a slight "depressive" or "manic" state.

Apparently people who are bipolar rarely think they're bipolar.

It's all really confusing for me. The last couple weeks have been total hell. The doctor is weening me off Wellbutrin and starting me on Celexa in 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to it. I feel like shit right now and I don't know if the Celexa will make me feel better and I have my doubts. I haven't heard good things about it from anyone I know that's taken it.

I hate drugs. I hate pills. I hate doing all of this and I just want to quit it all.

Talking About Yourself

Today was my first session with Lesley-Ann Thomas. She's an accredited member of the Canadian Counselling Association – the highest designation of counselling in Canada.  Lesley-Ann earned her degrees; B.A., B.Ed., M.Ed. (Psych.) from the University of Manitoba.  She completed her practicum at the U of M Student Counselling and Career Centre.

$100 an hour and worth it so far!

She's very pretty, taller than me, and has a huge rock on her wedding finger! I wonder what her husband does. According to her bio online she's got two kids and has been married at least 15 years. I don't know when that profile was last updated. I went online to Theravive and found her there. She does evening appointments and that's important to me because working at CBC, you never know what's going to happen.

At the end of our session she told me that I was intelligent and articulate and that she looked forward to working more with me. She made secret notes about certain things I talked about that she wanted to discuss further; she didn't mention what specifically, but stated I had some deep rooted issues to deal with. (Bahaha Classic!)

It's incredible how easy it is to talk about yourself candidly for an hour without any repercussions.

Lesley mentioned a book she thought I might like to read. It's called The Art Of Happiness.

It's a back and forth between the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler is how Lesley explained it. I'm interested to check it out and read it. I hope the library has it because I don't want to pay for it unless I love it. Philosophical debates never interested me in the past, but in the last 2 years I've become more inclined to discuss deeper topics at length.

We're scheduled to meet again in a week. I'm looking forward to it.

Enormous Migraine

I am not well.

I need to see my doctor.

Yesterday I had an "episode" that was off the charts. It was terrible. I was in a rage. I had it in my head that I was going to leave Winnipeg and move away somewhere. I didn't know where. I wasn't thinking it through. I was just so mad and then I realized I had nowhere to go and despair and hopelessness emerged. Uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating... I started scratching my arm up with a knife, but nothing serious. I wasn't bleeding. It brought me back down a notch. I mixed a gram of shrooms with yogurt and flax and ate it with my Wellbutrin pill. Scratched myself some more. Then I felt better. Calmer.

The doorbell rang and it was a package that I had ordered. It was like someone flicked a switch in my brain. I was excited and happy. I ripped it open and it was the robotic kitty litter box I ordered a few weeks ago. (More about that in another post.)

Lately it seems as though I've been acting more like a person who has bipolar than SAD. My emotions are ranging from excessively high to lowest of the low. I'm doing things impulsively like making large purchases I can't afford, (robotic kitty litter box was more than $300) and also taking trips short notice, (randomly went to Grand Forks for 2 days on impulse and spent money I don't have on shopping.)

I'm being an idiot, not thinking things through. I got searched at the boarder and some items were found in my car that I hadn't claimed. Had to pay duty on them and now my name's in the system for 2 years. It was just a warning, but I'll be searched every time I cross the boarder for the next 2 years. I've been to the states so many times; I know how it works. I don't know why I was being so dumb. I felt unstoppable at the time.

In Grand Forks, I smoked some pot and spent all this money. I felt so high! When I came home I crashed and burned.

A meeting with a therapist is in the works. Before I left for Grand Forks I was coming up from a down-swing and decided I needed something to supplement my antidepressant. Forgot all about it in Grand Forks of course because I was feeling so amazing. Now I'm trying to get an appointment booked sooner than later. Waiting for a call back.

You have no idea how sick I am of feeling like this. The physical pain that manifests itself from dealing with so much emotional turmoil is too much for me and I just want to feel better already. I just want to feel normal! Is that too much to ask? I don't want want to do this anymore.

Wellbutrin Dreams

I am a believer that your dreams mean something deeper. It's not always apparent and you often have to have some time to think it through. Lately I've been having these long, twisting, wild dreams. Sometimes the dreams feel real and I wake up wondering if it actually happened or not. Three out of five senses are active in most of my dreams: touch, sight, sound. Smell and taste are sometimes there too, but I don't always wake up remembering.

For instance, last night, in real life I should add, I got home after having a bad night out and ate a sleeve of peanut-butter oatmeal cookies by myself as I watched Project Runway. When I was done I put the box of cookies away. Then when I went to sleep there was a tiny portion in my dream where my sister went to get some cookies and realized a whole sleeve had been eaten. She somehow knew it was me and called me out on it. When I woke up this morning I had to really think hard if that happened in real life or not because it seemed so real and normal in my dream.

Also in my dream last night, without getting into detail, I dreamed I was babysitting an infant. I could feel the weight of the baby pressed against my body as I held it. I could feel the softness of the blanket. What a mind fuck!

This dream went on for seemingly hours upon hours, changing locations, people coming in and out. Friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, people from my past, they were all involved and intermingled even though I know they don't know each other in real life and have never met. There was so much going on, and it was all totally mundane. Totally ordinary, commonplace, humdrum stuff. Not necessarily boring, but just average and non-exciting in any way. Preparing lunch. Scolding a child. Looking out the window. This is what I dream about haha! They're very detailed though - seeing all the seeds, and slight bruise in a red strawberry, for example. I'm always noticing intricacies, but not the bigger picture. I couldn't tell you the colour of the kitchen walls for example, something you would probably notice if you were standing in a kitchen.

Wellbutrin supposedly can make you have vivid dreams. Are my dreams strong, distinct, or clearly perceptible? I don't know, I suppose so. They're definitely not intense, or brightly coloured. I've read accounts from people who claim they have a hard time distinguishing their dreams from reality because it seems so real to them and it's caused fights and other real problems. Some people experience horrible nightmares and can't sleep.


My dreams aren't affecting my life that much. I've had a few dreams where I've woken up tired because there was so much going on in my head. I've had a few dreams that were deeply disturbing and left me feeling like there was something wrong with my brain. I can often piece together why I probably dreamed about a certain person, or activity, but for the dreams that left me wondering why I dreamed that, it's still a mystery.

Turning People onto Poles

Before my friend got married she had a bachelorette party and we went to the bar. The bar we went to had a dance pole set up and because I'm "classically trained" in the art of pole dancing I showed off my sweet moves.

This was impressive to those who were watching and my friend Kara wanted me to teach her something. I did.

She's hooked.

I am the reason she started taking pole dance lessons. She's as into it as I am and she actually went and ordered a pole after completing level 1! I am totally jealous that she's getting a pole and I'm stuck living in my mother's basement for the next 3 months at least! There's zero room in the basement to set up a pole. In fact my basement currently looks like an episode of hoarders. The boxes are stacked to the ceiling and clothes are piled everywhere!

However, because we are super friends she's inviting me over once her pole is set up so we can practice together! I can't remember the last time I was so fucking stoked for something! Plus, she's learned how to go upside down (jealous!) and she said she'd teach me how!

I want my own pole SO bad!!! You have no idea! Do you remember when you were a little kid and it was Christmas time and there was that one present that you wanted more than anything in the world? You wanted it so bad that your chest ached whenever you thought about it, which was always, and you would have vivid dreams about how much fun you'd have once you got it? That's how I feel about my pole!

In the meantime I'll just have to continue going to the gym. I found an assisted pull-up machine. It's the closest thing I have to simulating pulling myself up on the pole, (other than doing actual chin-ups or pull-ups, which I can't even do one of.)

Wellbutrin: One Month Later

I've been taking Wellbutrin for a month now. The doctor wanted to see me to see how it's been going and if I'd like to continue taking Wellbutrin. I told him I did.

I feel like my normal self. It was a struggle at first getting used to the side effects, but most of them have gone away. For example, I realized that if I take my pill before eating breakfast I won't eat all day; I'll get dizzy and have a complete lack of energy. If I eat breakfast first I'm fine and normal throughout the day.

I was having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep, but that too has passed. The random bouts of anxiety I felt at work and feeling overwhelmed has thankfully passed. That strange, neutral feeling has passed. I can feel highs and lows as opposed to just being leveled out all the time. In the past it would have been a more radical change, but now it's more gradual. My happy-to-sad ratio isn't plunging and spiking all the time. I feel in control.

The acne is still really bad. The doctor was surprised because it wasn't one of the listed side-effects. I didn't tell him I went online and read that others had it happen to them too once on Wellbutrin. He prescribed some junk to put on my face.

Alcohol is something I really miss! (For those who forgot/just tuning in, I can't mix large quantities of alcohol with my meds or it will induce a seizure!) Not being able to get drunk with my friends sort of makes me feel excluded. I want to do whatever my friends are doing. Being sober while all your friends are getting hammered is the absolute worst! On the bright side though, my friends don't drink too often. We can have the most amazing, hilarious time totally sober! I'm really thankful for that!

I haven't smoked weed or done any drugs since starting Wellbutrin. I'm nervous about it because I don't know how it will make me feel. Plus, none of my friends are into smoking pot any more. I don't want to get stoned alone!

Anyway, the Wellbutrin is great, working fine, I feel normal. I see the doctor in another 3 months to check to see how things are going.

Dad

My dad is dirt poor, living off half a pension. He doesn't have a job, but not by choice. He can't get hired anywhere. He gets his full pension in two years. He lives alone in the small town I grew up in. He has no family. He doesn't exactly have any friends. I don't see him as often as I should and I really should call him more often. He's lonely and bored.

We have the same conversations every time we talk.

"I'm broke. I can barely afford to live!"
"The price of groceries just keeps skyrocketing!"
"Back in the 1960's a loaf of break cost...."
"Back then you could afford to eat!"
"This is what I've been eating lately...."
"I wish I could win the lottery!"
"I bought a lottery ticket today..."
"If I won the lottery I would pack my bags and go to...."
"Today I rode my bike 40 kilometers."
"I've been watching some programs on TV lately...."
"This broke, I wore out that, I need a new one of these..."
"Life's tough."
"I can't take much more of this!"
"The landlords going to kick me out soon, but I have nowhere to go."
"I'm going to be living in my truck pretty soon!"
"My truck needs so many repairs, it's going to break down soon."
"I can't afford gas to go anywhere!"
"I'm not enjoying my retirement."

That's all he talks about, literally! It's sad. I feel pretty helpless. It's part of the reason why I sometimes avoid visiting and calling, which is horrible, I know! I like talking to my dad because he tells good stories and he's always really happy when I finally call. He misses me. He misses having meaningful relationships. I miss him too. He makes me feel depressed at the same time though. His situation is shitty. He brought it upon himself, but it still feels unfair. He has a lot to give; a lot to share. Nobody will give him the time of day.

The point of this blog post is for it to be a therapeutic experience for me. I just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago and he makes his situation seem so dire all the time, like he's doomed for life. Dealing with it alone hasn't worked out in the past. I guess I just wanted to get it all off my chest. I do find it difficult to deal with alone.

Scene & Structure

I let my Creative Writing studies fall to the wayside for several months. I'm back at it again! I finished the text and submitted my exam. I got only one question wrong on the multiple choice test giving me a fair score of 95%. I'm now stuck at the part that I always get stuck at - coming up with an idea to write about.

Here's my problem: I consistently think of great novel ideas, but they're novel ideas, not short story ideas. In this writing assignment I must include 2 scenes and a sequel so that I can demonstrate what I learned from the book, Scene & Structure by Jack. M. Brickham. (I found the book to be slightly confusing and dull at times.) To try to scale down these grandiose plots in my mind feels like I'm cheating myself because I know there's so much more I want elaborate on.

So far I've written a paragraph. It's an okay paragraph, but just okay. It might not work as a good story opener because it feels as though I'm missing something and I don't know what my story is about yet. I have half a character in mind, but he's not really fully developed yet.

I have this writing folder on my laptop that includes a hodge-podge of half baked story ideas, loose character sketches, and fragmented writing samples. Every once in a while I go through it for inspiration. The reason I never tied up these loose ends is because as I was writing, I lost sight of what my story goals were or became bored because the story was heading nowhere and I didn't know where to take it next. All very normal stuff.

I'm just going to have to take my time and wait for something to come to me.

Would You Buy Your Daughter a Vibrator?

I'm sure everyone's heard about the infamous episode on Oprah where the sexpert, Dr. Berman, suggested buying your teen daughter her first vibrator. Watch the episode here if you'd like to. It's totally awesome! There are plenty of people who disagree wholeheartedly. Oprah's friend, Gayle, thinks it's too much and Oprah puts her in her place which I thought I was great.

C'mon bloggers, you know me! I would undoubtedly buy my teen daughter her first vibrator. I would buy my pre-teen daughter a vibrator! Sex is everywhere. It's constant. It's prevalent. It's unavoidable.

Knowing how to give yourself an orgasm is empowering. A 12 year old boy can ejaculate in 2 minutes or less if he wanted to and he can do it again six more times before the day is through. For the ladies it's not always that easy. Many girls don't explore themselves the same way boys do, if it all. That's really unfortunate.

Obviously buying a young girl a 12 inch dong is overkill, and kind of creepy, but having something small and external that vibrates is totally appropriate in my opinion. It leaves room for safe exploration that can one day lead to safe experimentation. That's what it's all about right, being safe, no matter what you're up to?

I was a sexual being at a young age. I can count on both hands, twice, the numerous ways I tried to get myself off with makeshift sex toys I used after rummaging around the house. If I had a vibrator, omg, life would have been so much better! And less humiliating when my friends found strange things in my bedroom, (things I have yet to live down to this day!)

The first real vibrator I ever owned I bought when I turned 18. I was home alone when I tried it out for the first time and good thing too; I screamed. It was the most mind blowing orgasm I'd ever had in my life and I had been sexually active for 2 years already! I was like, where have you been all my life?

If I ever have a daughter, I want her to know her own body inside and out. I want her to feel comfortable with her body. I want her to be confident. I want her to be informed. Happy, healthy girls with high self-esteem don't give up their virginity to just anyone! When she decides she's ready to have sex, I want her to have a fulfilling sex life! Bad sex isn't fun; it's just awkward and frustrating. Knowing what you like in the bedroom makes you a better lover for your partner while simultaneously satisfying yourself.

Teems are going to have sex whether the parents condone it or not. A vibrator isn't going to pressure my daughter. It's not going to get her pregnant or give her an infection. A vibrator won't break her heart, or call her a slut. In fact, it will probably make her feel happy and help her sleep better! A win-win situation in my eyes.

***Editor's Note***
I've noticed I've been getting a lot of hits on this particular blog. I'm curious to know what people are thinking about this topic. Even if you're not following me, feel free to leave a comment!

Big Brothers Big Sisters

In the summer I was matched with an 11 year old girl named Elle. She was my little and I was her big. Today that matched closed prematurely. I signed a contract saying that I would spend time with my little either weekly or bi-weekly for one year. After that I could determine if I wanted to continue with that match or get a new match.

Elle and I were having problems getting together as often as we were supposed to. I'd set a date to hang out and Elle would forget, or her mom would forget, and something always came up that either delayed things by a few hours, or days, or weeks... It was frustrating.

It seemed as though Elle had too many other things going on that she didn't have time for us to get together.

I brought it up with our case worker and the case worker talked to Elle and her mom. Turns out I was right! Elle didn't want to continue with the match. She had too many other things going on. However, she had nothing but great things to say about me. She thought I was fun and said we always had a good time whenever we did get together. I had fun with her too. She's a cool kid!

Normally when you close a match you get together one last time to hang out and say goodbye. Elle didn't want to do that. I'm not offended. I wasn't too attached to her to be honest. We rarely saw each other.

Now I'm going to be matched up with someone else, hopefully soon. I really like the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. There are many places that a person can volunteer their time; animal shelters, food banks, sporting events ect, but for me, I really love children.

Some children are dealt a shitty hand and have fucked up childhoods. Some children don't get to be children for very long and are forced to grow up fast. I had an awesome childhood. I was never hungry. I never felt scared or unsafe. I was quite privileged, getting to travel every summer and be a part of a ton of extra-curricular activities. I hope that I can do with my new match the things that I used to do as a child. Things that she wouldn't have experienced otherwise.

I wish Elle the best. She's a smart girl, very funny, personable, and an all around gem. She's got a lot going for her and a ton of resources at her finger tips. In my opinion, she is not a child at risk. She's part of a loving, stable family and has a lot of friends and does well in school.

I hope my next match is as cool as Elle.

Wellbutrin Cons

There seems to be a number of side-effects that I'm experiencing while taking Wellbutrin, and they are not positive.

• Acne. It's never been this bad in my entire life, not even when I was teenager!
• No appetite. I'm not as hungry any more. I skip meals, or don't eat full portions.
• Insomnia. It's so hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. I always wake up before my alarm clock.
• No energy. I'm dead tired ALL the time. It could be a combination of the lack of food and lack of sleep. I've tried taking naps and that doesn't work either.
• Headaches. They're constant. I find it hard to concentrate.
• Irritability. This could be because of my headaches and lack of energy. I have no patience anymore.
• Sensitivity. I'm crying a lot more. I get frustrated and sometimes I take things too personally.
• Anxiety. I'm not usually an overly-anxious person. I'm finding that I'm getting overwhelmed quicker than before and sometimes crying about it. However it's not effecting work or my social calendar.

Pros.... Hmmm....

Yeah can't think of any at the moment.

I'm not having a fun time. I don't want to take this pill anymore. It's making me feel like shit.

I ordered my SAD lamp today. It's the Phillips Wake-Up Light, Dawn Simulator. It cost a lot of money, over $200 with shipping and handling. It's pretty cool. It slowly starts to come on 30 minutes before the time you want to wake up going from dim to extremely bright in your eyes. It simulates natural sunlight without UV rays.

There are 4 different "nature" sounds to choose from to accompany the light in waking you up. Or you can choose a soft beeping, or the the radio, or nothing at all.

You can also use it to help you go to sleep. It starts off bright and slowly dims down until it's off over a set period of time that you input, like 15 minutes or something. It should be here in a few weeks and I look forward to using it. Perhaps I won't have to take the anti-depressants.

Getting Scared

Things about Chelsea Ribbon:
1) I startle easily.
2) People think it's funny to scare me because they get such a good reaction.
3) People startle and scare me on a dailty basis on purpose and also by accident.

There is one particular coworker of mine who shall remain nameless for now. He absolutely loves to scare me! He doesn't give me a little jump, or a spook either - he makes me scream at top of my lungs and then he laughs and laughs about it! Everyone around laughs. Ha! Ha! Chelsea got scared again!

(Side note: I'm having flash backs of college and my classmate Steve Davey who scared me ALL the time!)

It's all in good fun, but I started to wonder if this is really good for me? Is it healthy to get scared? Am I putting too much stress on my heart and will I die young because of a heart attack?

I've been doing a small amount of research and came to a solid conclusion: Getting scared is a heart healthy activity!

We all need a certain amount of stress in our lives in order to accomplish things. Sometimes short term stress will give you that boost you need in order to finish an important project on time for example. That is called positive stress.

Negative stress is when large portions of your daily life is filled with stress and you can no longer manage it. Obviously some people can handle stress more effectively than others. It's possible for one person's positive stress to be another person's negative stress.

This all relates back to the heart. Prolonged stress can contribute to heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes, and make you more susceptible to catching colds. Eventually it can get to the point where even if you're just resting your heart will be working much harder to get your blood moving. Your heart can't cope when you actually need it to work harder, such as sprinting to catch a bus, and you may experience chest pains. Don't scare people with heart problems! They might die!

With all that being said, for a person with a healthy heart, such as mine, getting scared is actually a good work out for your heart! The rush of adrenline makes your heart rate and blood pressure go up temporarily. You breathe more and your heart's contractions increase. This is all very healthy and the cardio effects are similar to that of running on a treadmill.

Working out your heart causes your cardiovascular system to become more effective. Even at rest, your heart will beat strongly and easily, supplying all your muscles and orgains etc with what they need to work efficiently too.

But there's more!

On top of the adreneline rush and all those heart healthy tidbits, being scared also makes you giddy. Apparently, fear and hilarity are very similar, (they engage the same neurotransmitter in your brain,) and that's why after we get a good scare our first reaction afterward is to laugh. Laughing is really good for you!

Plus, getting scared is a really great bonding experience; it allows people to take on different roles, such as the care-giver and the care-receiver. It's recommended that on a first date you go on a roller-coaster ride or watch a horror film together because after the initial fright is over the body gets flooded with feel-good hormones and you feel closer and more attracted to the person you're with because that person experienced the same thing you did.

So, there you have it! After learning all that, I think I must have the healthiest heart ever!

Wellbutrin Update

I've been on Wellbutrin for 5 days and I already notice a difference in myself. The drug doesn't make me feel good or better; it makes me feel different and sometimes weird, but not necessarily in a negative way. Does that make any sense to anybody else?

I basically feel like a neutral version of myself.

I've lost my appetite. I'm not eating as much or as often as I used to. I'm just not hungry and I don't feel like eating. I look at the time and realize, oh shit I missed my lunch break because I don't have that physical cue from my body anymore. It's a normal side-effect.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, like I'm on the verge of tears and there's no apparent reason why. I get really emotional and worried about dumb stuff that I have no control over and also that I never would have worried about pre-Wellbutrin. I think they call that anxiety. Another normal side-effect.

In the past I would go through these mood swings where I would feel ecstatic about my day, like nothing could go wrong and I was on top of the world. Maybe only a few hours later I would feel like it was the worst day of my life and I wanted to curl up in a cave and die. Then I'd change my mind and think, hey this day isn't so bad! I totally love my life and it's awesome!

Sometimes it would spread out over the week. I'd go from feeling extremely high on life to completely and utterly depressed, back to high on life again all in the same week. Repeat.

Now it's more leveled out and when I'm on the upswing I feel like my day is going okay. It's no longer the best day of my life, but more like a day with a passing grade. When I'm on the down swing it feels like a below average day, but not necessarily the worst day of my life.

A really positive change I noticed is that I'm less stressed out while I drive. I always get road-rage and I speed and get super angry behind the wheel. Not anymore! Now, I'm totaly indifferent behind the wheel. I get irritated, but not to the point where I'm screaming profanities. I still really hate driving though.
My dose gets doubled in three days to 300mg a day. I'm nervous that my side-effects will also double. Only time will tell.

It's Official...

... I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Yay.

Actually I'm really glad to have finally talked my doctor about it because everyone already kind of knew anyway; it was just a matter of getting treated for it. I'm done self-medicating.

Some people are more in the loop about my history with depression than others. Depression and suicide run in my dad's side of the family. Dad's sister killed herself. Dad's great Uncle killed himself. Dad even tried to kill himself!

The winter of  2005/2006 was tough. I had just graduated from high school that summer. I didn't go to university right away because I didn't apply early enough, so I just worked for a year. I was depressed and moody, but I contributed it to working a shitty job and never seeing my friends.

The winter of 2006/2007 I was living in a dorm and going to college. I was depressed and had insomnia. I attributed it to being homesick and stressed about school and money. One of my teacher's noticed a change in me and suggested I might have SAD.

The winter of 2007/2008 was one of the worst winters of my life. I had morbid and disturbing thoughts of suicide and was an insomniac. I attributed my depression to having broken up with my boyfriend over Christmas break and also being homesick and stressed about school. I was engaging in reckless behaviour.  I thought for sure the next winter would be better though!

Then in the winter of 2008/2009 my thoughts of suicide were much worse than the winter before. The insomnia was the worst I'd ever had. My dad's well-being was weighing heavily on my mind and I thought that was what was bringing me down, but there was always something else and I couldn't figure out what it was. I started researching ways to kill myself online. I read pro-suicide forums. I liked the idea of hanging myself.

The winter of 2009/2010  My now ex-boyfriend thought it was the perfect time to propose. I wasn't happy with our relationship and didn't want to marry him, but I said yes because I thought that was the depression talking. Suicide was on my mind 24/7 and I would daydream about hanging myself everywhere, at home, at work, on my wedding day. When the snow finally melted and I came out of my slump I broke up with him.

After dealing with this for 5 years in a row it's quite obvious I have a problem. Winter is on its way and I finally decided to be proactive and talk to my doctor before things got out of hand. It was such a relief to just get it out in the open. I don't want to go through another winter of hell. He prescribed me 300mg of Wellbutrin a day. He also wants me to invest in a special lamp.

My bedroom at my mom's where I'm living for the winter has one tiny window where no natural sunlight can get through. At CBC I often work in windowless rooms all day and the only time I see the sky is when I go outside to get lunch.

The lamps range between $100 and $250 and the doctor said it will definitely help improve my mood. I'm currently researching more about it because there's many lamps to choose from and they are expensive so I want to buy the best one for my needs.

I see my doctor again in a month!

Proud!

I am the most amazing person! After work I went for a run and I shaved ten whole fucking seconds off my run time! I could barely believe it when I checked my stop watch! What an incredible improvement! The last time I ran was when I last posted about running... about two weeks ago.

So, yeah, I'm fucking pro, no big deal.

Also, I was reading about women who poo during labour. Apparently it's extremely common and unless you have a C-section, you are most likely going to poo while given birth. That is not only disgusting, but also embarrassing. I'm fairly certain I never want to bear a child after reading that.

Some doctors will give you an enema to clean you out before you get into heavy labour. Some women do the enema at home in case their doctor won't give them one. Some women stop eating solid food a few days prior to their due date and focus on consuming soups and liquids specifically so that they don't have a bowel movement in front of an array of people.

The human body tries to clean itself out naturally before child birth begins. Diarrhea is a sign that you will be giving birth soon. It's easier to push the baby out when you don't have all that crap backed up in your system apparently. Gross.

I had no idea. I seriously had no clue whatsoever that happened. I mean, I always kind of wondered about it, like women who are in labour for hours and hours, how they heck do they go to the bathroom. Apparently the answer is they do it right on the bed! Then a nurse just wipes it away and doesn't say a thing.

And if you get an epidural you don't feel anything down there and most women poo and don't even know they've done so! What the fuck?! That's crazy! And it's really common. It happens ALL the time! I never want to experience that. Ever.

Cross-Stitch

On Thursday I randomly decided that I wanted to take up cross-stitching for a new hobby. I went to Michaels, that over-priced craft store, bought some cheap embroidary thread, needles, and a single canvas. I also bought some blank cards and envelopes so I could try my hand at this paper stitching thing I found online.

Paper stitching was okay. Kind of boring to do. Basically you take a pattern and lay it on top of your paper and poke little holes into the paper. Then you thread the embroidary thread through the holes back and forth sort of like a spirograph.

This blog here explains it really well and the step by step pictures are nice.

Cross-stitching is fun! It's not mindless like I've heard knitting can be. You actually have to concentrate on what you're doing and look to make sure you're needle is going into the right place and such.

Here are some examples I found online. Some cross-stitching can be really kitchy looking. I'm not a fan of things that look like this:

 There's also free-hand embroidery designs which I think can be very pretty. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do something cool like this:

Then there's counted cross-stitch like this:

That one's pretty cool.

I'm working on my first piece now, which I don't want to talk about too much until it's finished. What I can say is that it is a gift for Bob, my guinea pig, and it's a original cross-stitch design. I didn't make a pattern or anything. I literally took a pencil and free hand drew what I wanted to cross-stitch on my special cross-stitching canvas and hoped that it would work. So far it has.

Why is My Son in a Princess Dress?

After reading an article called Why is My Son in a Princess Dress? I began to wonder what I would have done in a similar situation.

In case you don't want to read the short article, I'll sum it up. A four year old boy wants to dress as Snow White for Halloween and is very firm in his decision to do so.

The parents don't know if it's a good idea or not. They fear ridicule.

Growing up I was a Tom-Boy. I hated wearing dresses and looking nice. I wanted to look like a boy. I wanted to be a boy. I played with toy cars and had a lot of male friends at school. I had girl friends too and played with Barbies, but my family always commented on how much of a Tom-Boy I was. Nobody scolded me or made me feel bad about myself for not being ultra-girly like my younger sister.

When I hit puberty, my vision of myself started to soften and I wanted to be viewed as more feminine and pretty. I became interested in make-up and perfume and skirts. As an adult I'd rather wear jeans and t-shirt over a skirt and heels any day, but I think I turned out alright. There's a time and place for everything when it comes to most fashions.

When a young boy wants to dress up in his mom's high heels and play with her make-up, there's something wrong with him. When a girl puts shaving cream on her face and pretends she's shaving just like daddy, it's cute. Everyone is aware of this double standard, yet a lot of people feel as though one is wrong while the latter is okay.

But back to the topic - would I let my four year old boy wear a Cinderella costume for Halloween?

Yes.

It's Halloween! On Halloween it's not unusual for men and women to cross-dress. It's all for fun. It's hard to say how children get certain ideas in their head, but obviously my son saw or heard something somewhere that made him think it's okay to dress like Cinderella on Halloween and I wouldn't try to stop him. In fact, I think it would be really hilarious and make for some great pictures to show at family gatherings many years later.

However, would I let my four or five year old boy pick out girls clothing to buy when we went out shopping for normal, day-to-day wear? Absolutely not.

At first I'd question why he picked out the piece of clothing or what he liked about it. Maybe he liked the colour, the pattern, the graphic, or maybe it reminded him of someone he knows. Depending on his answer I'd definitely try to sway him into picking something more gender appropriate, but I would never try to embarrass him or make him feel badly about picking girls clothes.

I hope that gender wouldn't have to enter the conversation, even though deep down I know that's what it's about for me. I don't want to encourage gender stereotyping, or pass that along to my child. I want my children to be better than me. And while most parents want their children to be pioneers and plow their own paths, sometimes it's best to wait until they're older to let them do that. A five year old doesn't need to be making that sort of statement in kindergarten. At five, the boy doesn't even know he's making a statement!

What I do know is that I would try very hard to NOT say,
"NO, you cannot wear those clothes because they were made for girls only."
Or "NO, you cannot wear those clothes because they were made for boys only."
Or "NO, you cannot play with those toys because those are girls toys."
Or "NO, you cannot play with those toys because those are boys toys."

I think saying that is wrong. Of course your children rely on you to teach them how to act and how to dress. As long as my child is cool in the summer and warm in the winter and playing safely and having fun with whatever toy he or she chooses, I will be happy.

Improvement

Dale is recovering nicely and eating lots of soft food without any problems.

Enough about him though; let's move on to ME!

It's nearing the end of the month and I believe I made a promise to myself that I would complete the Presidents Fitness Challenge to see if I've made any improvements.

1.5 mile run --> Improved!

At the beginning of the month I ran it in 13:53 and my new run time is 13:51! A two second improvement is still an improvement, but I had hoped for a 5 second improvement.

I scored 55%

Push-ups --> Improved!

At the beginning of the month I could only do 15, but now I can do 20! I can actually do a few more than that even, maybe 22, but I usually give up because my form starts to wilt.

I scored 30%

Sit-Ups --> the same.
I'm not very good at these. I can do 36. I'm going to be honest, I didn't really practice this one.

I scored 30%

Sit and Reach Flexibility test --> the same.
I did exceptionally well on this test when I first did it a month ago. I'm more flexible than the average person.

I scored 95%

My overall average score is 52%. What that means is that 52% of people my age fall below my fitness score and I am more fit than they are. So, the higher the score, the more physically fit you are!

My flexibility really saved my ass I think... Had I scored closer to 70% I would probably be below average in fitness hahaha.

As far as being fit goes, I feel fit. I feel like I'm in good shape. I know I'm not the best, far from it, but I'm glad I put in the effort to keep track of all this for a month. There's so much room for improvement and I'm going to keep working at it and test again in another 2 months!

Sick Kitty

On Friday August 13th Dale puked four times in the basement just as I was leaving for work. I had fed him some canned food I know he really likes and I figured he probably ate too much because he throws up quite easily. It's happened before, although usually he only throws up once and that's it.

He threw up while I was gone to Saskatchewan over the weekend. He threw up Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday -> this time on my sheets! I brought him in to see the vet Thursday late morning. He was really dehydrated and he had lost some weight.

The vet took an x-ray to see if he had swallowed something that was blocking the natural exit, forcing Dale to throw up. There was nothing there. He gave Dale some barium and then did another x-ray to see if there was something else inside him, plant material, hairball, ect... that didn't show up in the other x-ray because it wasn't dense enough. There was nothing there.

They kept Dale for a few hours to hydrate him and gave him an antacid because his stomach looked slightly irritated on the x-ray. When they released him to me my final bill was $375.00!!!!! I was shocked it was so much. I'm just glad there's nothing seriously wrong with him!

The doctor told me to offer him food and water when I got home and call him in the morning. He also said not to be alarmed if Dale doesn't want to eat or drink. When he hydrated him, he made sure there was a reserve there so to speak for Dale to draw from until he feels better. Dale hasn't eaten or drank anything yet. I offered him some food and I even offered him some milk, but he didn't want it.

Dale's not acting like himself. Last night he hid under the bed and refused to come out. I found him there again this morning and coaxed him out to pet him. He moves really slow, but doesn't appear to be in pain. My poor, poor kitty! It's not fun being sick!

This morning, Emilio threw up which was really strange. He's never done that before. However, Emilio seemed okay directly afterward. He was running and playing and drinking water. He should be fine. (I hope!)

I'm worried about Dale. If he throws up today at some point that means there could be something seriously wrong with him. If that's the case, I don't have the money to treat him properly and he'd have to be put down. It's an upsetting thought for me, my cats are my babies, so I'm not focusing on that. I feel confident that Dale will pull through and be fine.

Get The Hell Out of Dodge

It's time for a mini-vacation. I need to shift gears and just do something ELSE for a bit. Working full time is a drag, especially since I have nothing to show for it! I wanted to go somewhere far away this weekend, but unfortunately for me my funds are on hold until at least September. I want to go somewhere new, visit friends or family, possibly leave the country.

Cabin fever is the worst! I feel isolated, almost trapped at the CBC sometimes. I'm working night shifts a lot and I barely have time to see Bob, let alone other friends of mine. Even just going to the beach this weekend would have been nice, but it's expected to be cloudy and possibly rain.

An impromptu drive out west might be just what I need. I think I'm going to head out to Yorkton, Saskatchewan and visit Chris Maxwell and possibly stop quickly in Regina for some fun with my newlywed friends, Carly and Matt!

Also, in Saskatchewan, I can buy more Bullseye Vanilla cigarillos!

In September I might even plan a trip to Grand Prairie, Alberta and visit Jake Hammell since he's been to Winnipeg to visit me (and others) and I have yet to go visit him.

After that... who knows? I'd really like to spend some time in Grand Forks and I'd really, really like to board a plane for the first time in my life and go somewhere exciting and romantic! But not Mexico - too hot! Not my style.

Perhaps I'll go to Louisiana and visit my pen-pal in jail lol.

Progress

I'm making progress with my fitness training! Yesterday I managed to do 16 push-ups in a row! That is my new record; before I could only do 15 in a row before collapsing.

Last night I went for my usual 1.5 mile run. I don't own a stop watch so I couldn't time myself, but it felt like a really good run. My sister accompanied me for the first couple blocks before giving up and walking home. I'm glad she came with me because I noticed something about the way I run - I can talk while running.

This must mean that I am not actually running and I am indeed jogging. Tonight while I run I'm going to pick up the pace so that I cannot talk while I run. If I can talk while running, my heart rate probably isn't high enough.

Flexibility isn't an issue. I'm practically a cat woman. (ooh go Bob!)

Sit-ups are a different story. I have a fairly strong core, but it's difficult to time myself doing sit-ups without a stop watch and to also count how many of them I'm doing properly. It all usually ends up being an estimate. I want to be more precise than that and know exactly where I am.

On top of it all, I've lost 2 pounds!

The President's Challenge

I am currently training for The President's Challange: Adult Fitness Test!

I encourage you to check out the link there and read all about it. Here's a brief overview:

Run 1.5 miles as fast as you can. Below is a map of the route I will be running so I can train for my test. 2.4 km is roughly 1.5 miles according to the unit converter I used to check.

Do as many half sit-ups as you can in 1 minute. You're supposed to put two pieces of tape 3.5 inches apart so that you can measure how many you do correctly.

Do as many push-ups as you can in proper form. I can currently do about 15 at a time which isn't bad, but is definitely on the low end of the scale. About a year ago I couldn't even do 5 in a row, so I feel really good about being able to do 15 before collapsing!

Sit And Reach flexibility test. This test I have trouble understanding how you measure your flexibility. I took a normal ruler and measured out 3 feet. I could bend and touch the 36 inch mark easily. As a former dancer, stretching that far is no problem, so maybe I'm doing it wrong. The man in the picture doesn't look as flexible as I am!

In conclusion, I would encourage everyone reading this to give The President's Challenge: Adult Fitness Test a try for themselves. You can input your data right there on the site and it will calculate how fit you are compared to your peers. It's really neat!

As far as my training goes, everyday I am going to practice all these parts of the test and at the end of the month my boyfriend, Bob, will be administering the test and keep track of everything. I've already tried out the test once, but I didn't document my findings since it's sort of hard to do it by yourself. Tonight hopefully I'll be able to go through it once by myself and roughly know where my fitness is at.

After Bob tests me at the end of the month we'll see how much I've improved!
I'm really excited about this! I hope I do well lol!

I Hate Summer

Summer is not my favourite season. It never has been and it probably never will be. Here are some reasons why I hate summer:

1) It's hot.
2) I sweat.
3) There are bugs.
4) Air conditioning makes me sick.
5) People often have the A/C cranked way too high.

People who crank the A/C too high are often the same people who continually state how much they love summer. Meanwhile I'm wearing shorts and tank top and fucking chattering.

At my job I have to wear a fleece sweater in the summer because the A/C is too cold. And because I'm in and out of the building, I step out into the hot sun and it's muggy and I can't breathe and I spend most of my summer's sick.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate bugs. Bugs are the most active in the summer.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate sweating. Holy fuck do I ever hate sweating. It's so gross and wet and sticky and disgusting. I just hate sweating! I sweat off my make up and it gets in my eyes and stings!

Exercising is a different thing altogether, but when I'm dressed up nice and trying go somewhere or something and I'm sweating like a pig, I feel very unattractive.

I hate the heat. I would rather be too cold than too warm. Warming up is easy. Cooling down is hard. If I had to choose between winter all the time and summer all the time I would choose winter hands down, no questions asked!

My favourite time of year is actually autumn. It's beautiful outside, not too hot or too cold or too wet. Everything is nice and dry. You can get away with wearing jeans and t-shirt during the day and a light sweater or jacket in the evening. I love fall colours and crunching dead leaves.

When this stupid ass season called summer is over I will be happy again.

Life in Limbo

Since the beginning of June my life has been in limbo. No Tv. No couches. No internet connection. I thought it was going to be worse than what it has been, but I've decided that I've had enough of this "in between" stage.

I rented a storage locker and hired some movers. Everything I own is going into storage for the next 2-3 months. I also hired cleaners to come in and clean my place after the movers are done moving everything.

Even if I don't sublet my apartment for August first, I am moving out and into my mom's place! I just can't take living there any more.

I started the process of packing. It's really time consuming. To some it might seem that putting my life into boxes and moving back home would be an extension of the limbo I'm already in. I don't doubt that my life will continue to be on hold until I can secure a new place to live, but at least my mother's house is furnished.

There are many pros to moving in with my mom and sister:
1. I save a ton of money on rent and utilities
2. Mom will cook some of my meals for me or at least leave me the leftovers.
3. I really can't think of a third reason.

Cons include the following:
1. Telling people I live with my mom again.
2. Having to put up with my moody sister.
3. Getting into fights with my family.
4. Having to sleep on a piece of shit futon in the basement where the cat litter is.
5. Not having my privacy anymore.

Wow there are way more cons than pros... LOL! Even if I said that pros were worth double, I still come up short.

Oh well, it is what it is I guess. I really just can't wait to put 785 Dorchester Ave behind me once and for all.

Lemon Story Graded!

I finally received my grade in the mail for the Lemon story I wrote several weeks ago. If you'd like to re-read the story to refresh your memory, click here --> LEMON STORY.

I got 98%!!!!! I'm fucking ecstatic!

Here is word for word what the instructor had to say about my piece.

Hello Chelsea,

This is an exceptionally crafted story that is brimmign with a unique premise.
Once again your work in entertaining. This story provides another vivid and credible main character. Word choice in dialogue, and expression and gesture contribute to give this story credibility.

This plot is riveting, not because it is drawn with suspense, but because you have composed two interesting characters whose conversation holds the rader's attention - completely. You demonstrate an excellent ability tow rite dialogue that renders the scene as plausible. I felt as though I was sitting at that bar observing these two men.

Your depiction of Joe was astounding; your viewpoint character is remarkably portrayed. Believable characters are consistaent and authentic in their reposes througout the story, leaving no room for the reader to doubt them. A solid sense of characterization transcends the physical and delivers on the emotional attributes. you have created interesting and attention grabbing multifaceted characters that are essential to thsi story.

I have nothing serious to call to your attention with this efford. You write with an established professional style that is easily imagined in published form. Excellent work!

I look forward to your next work of fiction.

Simone Jackson.

I feel really proud right now and am excited to start working on my next piece. I have yet to read the text book, so I'm going to start on that first.

Single Life

The single life has been fun so far. I've been on dates with 7 different guys since Dave and I called it quits. None of them were quite right for me, but Friday I met a guy. His name is Bob. He is amazing. He is more than amazing; he is all the synonyms for amazing!

We met online (of course) and started emailing back and forth. We sent about 5 emails each to each other. They were all lengthy and chock full of interesting facts and tidbits and anecdotes. My internet got cut off June 12 - I'm at Starbucks right now using the free internet here - and so we met on the 11th at Boston Pizza for drinks.

It was quite humorous how things evolved. We were supposed to meet at 9pm. Bob was there at 8:40 and texted me that he was way early. I was there at 8:50 and went and stood at the front doors. I had forgotten my cell phone at home.

While Bob waited for me in his car, thinking I had stood him up, I waited outside also thinking I had been stood up. At 9:20 I left and went home. I got my cell phone and called Bob. He was was still at the Boston Pizza (thankfully) we had a laugh and I drove back there to meet him.

The rest of the night was incredible! We closed the place down. Waitresses were stacking chairs on the table to clean the floor when we left. He walked me to my car and we kissed. I was fucking giddy at this point. We've been talking on the phone every night for 2 or more hours at a time. We have plans to go bowling on Tuesday.

I can't get over how fast we clicked. There is SO much to say and I could never fit it all in this blog. Everything is really new right now, but I think I know where this is going. I'm most likely going to be hanging up my single life coat and slipping into something a little more exclusive.

Shape-Ups

A week ago I bought Sketchers Shape-Ups shoes. They look exactly like the picture. When I went into the shoe store I was originally looking for another pair of flat "skater" style shoes. They're comfortable and casual and I like the way they look.

I decided to try on the Shape-Ups just for fun. They felt weird. They felt like I was balancing on a large ball or something. I tried walking in them and I was a little wobbly. The salesman told me that once you get used to them you can run in them.

I walked around the store some more. I checked myself out in the mirror. The shoes are fucking ugly! I laughed out loud about how ugly they were. They were comfortable though and they apparently will help me get in shape, so I handed over my credit card and bought them.

The shoes came with an instructional dvd /(aka a very long commercial that told me nothing I didn't already know.) There were also two work outs to follow along with on the dvd. I didn't even bother to watch those.

The dvd suggested wearing the shoes for only 45 minutes at a time at first until you become used to them. Depending on your fitness level you could probably get away with wearing them for longer without being too sore the next day. I wear them everywhere.

The shoes claim to do the following:

- improve posture
- improve blood circulation
- strengthen the back
- tighten abdominal muscles
- firm buttocks muscles
- reduces cellulite
- tones thighs
- firms calf muscles

After the first night I wore them walking I noticed my calves, shins, and ankles were sore. After a few days I didn't notice pain in those areas anymore. I already have pretty good posture, but I do find I walk straighter and tighten my core when walking in these shoes. I haven't felt any pain in my back or thighs.

I didn't feel any pain in my buttocks until after I went on a 2 hour walk wearing the Shape-Ups. My hiney was sooooo sore!!! The pain lasted a couple days and is gone now.

The most remarkable thing though is that I've only been wearing my Shape-Ups for a week and I've lost 3 pounds without changing my eating habits. I was really surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning because the last time I weighed myself was before I got the shoes. My body fat percentage remained the same.