I've been on Wellbutrin for 5 days and I already notice a difference in myself. The drug doesn't make me feel good or better; it makes me feel different and sometimes weird, but not necessarily in a negative way. Does that make any sense to anybody else?
I basically feel like a neutral version of myself.
I've lost my appetite. I'm not eating as much or as often as I used to. I'm just not hungry and I don't feel like eating. I look at the time and realize, oh shit I missed my lunch break because I don't have that physical cue from my body anymore. It's a normal side-effect.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, like I'm on the verge of tears and there's no apparent reason why. I get really emotional and worried about dumb stuff that I have no control over and also that I never would have worried about pre-Wellbutrin. I think they call that anxiety. Another normal side-effect.
In the past I would go through these mood swings where I would feel ecstatic about my day, like nothing could go wrong and I was on top of the world. Maybe only a few hours later I would feel like it was the worst day of my life and I wanted to curl up in a cave and die. Then I'd change my mind and think, hey this day isn't so bad! I totally love my life and it's awesome!
Sometimes it would spread out over the week. I'd go from feeling extremely high on life to completely and utterly depressed, back to high on life again all in the same week. Repeat.
Now it's more leveled out and when I'm on the upswing I feel like my day is going okay. It's no longer the best day of my life, but more like a day with a passing grade. When I'm on the down swing it feels like a below average day, but not necessarily the worst day of my life.
A really positive change I noticed is that I'm less stressed out while I drive. I always get road-rage and I speed and get super angry behind the wheel. Not anymore! Now, I'm totaly indifferent behind the wheel. I get irritated, but not to the point where I'm screaming profanities. I still really hate driving though.
My dose gets doubled in three days to 300mg a day. I'm nervous that my side-effects will also double. Only time will tell.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's Official...
... I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Yay.
Actually I'm really glad to have finally talked my doctor about it because everyone already kind of knew anyway; it was just a matter of getting treated for it. I'm done self-medicating.
Some people are more in the loop about my history with depression than others. Depression and suicide run in my dad's side of the family. Dad's sister killed herself. Dad's great Uncle killed himself. Dad even tried to kill himself!
The winter of 2005/2006 was tough. I had just graduated from high school that summer. I didn't go to university right away because I didn't apply early enough, so I just worked for a year. I was depressed and moody, but I contributed it to working a shitty job and never seeing my friends.
The winter of 2006/2007 I was living in a dorm and going to college. I was depressed and had insomnia. I attributed it to being homesick and stressed about school and money. One of my teacher's noticed a change in me and suggested I might have SAD.
The winter of 2007/2008 was one of the worst winters of my life. I had morbid and disturbing thoughts of suicide and was an insomniac. I attributed my depression to having broken up with my boyfriend over Christmas break and also being homesick and stressed about school. I was engaging in reckless behaviour. I thought for sure the next winter would be better though!
Then in the winter of 2008/2009 my thoughts of suicide were much worse than the winter before. The insomnia was the worst I'd ever had. My dad's well-being was weighing heavily on my mind and I thought that was what was bringing me down, but there was always something else and I couldn't figure out what it was. I started researching ways to kill myself online. I read pro-suicide forums. I liked the idea of hanging myself.
The winter of 2009/2010 My now ex-boyfriend thought it was the perfect time to propose. I wasn't happy with our relationship and didn't want to marry him, but I said yes because I thought that was the depression talking. Suicide was on my mind 24/7 and I would daydream about hanging myself everywhere, at home, at work, on my wedding day. When the snow finally melted and I came out of my slump I broke up with him.
After dealing with this for 5 years in a row it's quite obvious I have a problem. Winter is on its way and I finally decided to be proactive and talk to my doctor before things got out of hand. It was such a relief to just get it out in the open. I don't want to go through another winter of hell. He prescribed me 300mg of Wellbutrin a day. He also wants me to invest in a special lamp.
My bedroom at my mom's where I'm living for the winter has one tiny window where no natural sunlight can get through. At CBC I often work in windowless rooms all day and the only time I see the sky is when I go outside to get lunch.
The lamps range between $100 and $250 and the doctor said it will definitely help improve my mood. I'm currently researching more about it because there's many lamps to choose from and they are expensive so I want to buy the best one for my needs.
I see my doctor again in a month!
Yay.
Actually I'm really glad to have finally talked my doctor about it because everyone already kind of knew anyway; it was just a matter of getting treated for it. I'm done self-medicating.
Some people are more in the loop about my history with depression than others. Depression and suicide run in my dad's side of the family. Dad's sister killed herself. Dad's great Uncle killed himself. Dad even tried to kill himself!
The winter of 2005/2006 was tough. I had just graduated from high school that summer. I didn't go to university right away because I didn't apply early enough, so I just worked for a year. I was depressed and moody, but I contributed it to working a shitty job and never seeing my friends.
The winter of 2006/2007 I was living in a dorm and going to college. I was depressed and had insomnia. I attributed it to being homesick and stressed about school and money. One of my teacher's noticed a change in me and suggested I might have SAD.
The winter of 2007/2008 was one of the worst winters of my life. I had morbid and disturbing thoughts of suicide and was an insomniac. I attributed my depression to having broken up with my boyfriend over Christmas break and also being homesick and stressed about school. I was engaging in reckless behaviour. I thought for sure the next winter would be better though!
Then in the winter of 2008/2009 my thoughts of suicide were much worse than the winter before. The insomnia was the worst I'd ever had. My dad's well-being was weighing heavily on my mind and I thought that was what was bringing me down, but there was always something else and I couldn't figure out what it was. I started researching ways to kill myself online. I read pro-suicide forums. I liked the idea of hanging myself.
The winter of 2009/2010 My now ex-boyfriend thought it was the perfect time to propose. I wasn't happy with our relationship and didn't want to marry him, but I said yes because I thought that was the depression talking. Suicide was on my mind 24/7 and I would daydream about hanging myself everywhere, at home, at work, on my wedding day. When the snow finally melted and I came out of my slump I broke up with him.
After dealing with this for 5 years in a row it's quite obvious I have a problem. Winter is on its way and I finally decided to be proactive and talk to my doctor before things got out of hand. It was such a relief to just get it out in the open. I don't want to go through another winter of hell. He prescribed me 300mg of Wellbutrin a day. He also wants me to invest in a special lamp.
My bedroom at my mom's where I'm living for the winter has one tiny window where no natural sunlight can get through. At CBC I often work in windowless rooms all day and the only time I see the sky is when I go outside to get lunch.
The lamps range between $100 and $250 and the doctor said it will definitely help improve my mood. I'm currently researching more about it because there's many lamps to choose from and they are expensive so I want to buy the best one for my needs.
I see my doctor again in a month!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Proud!
I am the most amazing person! After work I went for a run and I shaved ten whole fucking seconds off my run time! I could barely believe it when I checked my stop watch! What an incredible improvement! The last time I ran was when I last posted about running... about two weeks ago.
So, yeah, I'm fucking pro, no big deal.
Also, I was reading about women who poo during labour. Apparently it's extremely common and unless you have a C-section, you are most likely going to poo while given birth. That is not only disgusting, but also embarrassing. I'm fairly certain I never want to bear a child after reading that.
Some doctors will give you an enema to clean you out before you get into heavy labour. Some women do the enema at home in case their doctor won't give them one. Some women stop eating solid food a few days prior to their due date and focus on consuming soups and liquids specifically so that they don't have a bowel movement in front of an array of people.
The human body tries to clean itself out naturally before child birth begins. Diarrhea is a sign that you will be giving birth soon. It's easier to push the baby out when you don't have all that crap backed up in your system apparently. Gross.
I had no idea. I seriously had no clue whatsoever that happened. I mean, I always kind of wondered about it, like women who are in labour for hours and hours, how they heck do they go to the bathroom. Apparently the answer is they do it right on the bed! Then a nurse just wipes it away and doesn't say a thing.
And if you get an epidural you don't feel anything down there and most women poo and don't even know they've done so! What the fuck?! That's crazy! And it's really common. It happens ALL the time! I never want to experience that. Ever.
So, yeah, I'm fucking pro, no big deal.
Also, I was reading about women who poo during labour. Apparently it's extremely common and unless you have a C-section, you are most likely going to poo while given birth. That is not only disgusting, but also embarrassing. I'm fairly certain I never want to bear a child after reading that.
Some doctors will give you an enema to clean you out before you get into heavy labour. Some women do the enema at home in case their doctor won't give them one. Some women stop eating solid food a few days prior to their due date and focus on consuming soups and liquids specifically so that they don't have a bowel movement in front of an array of people.
The human body tries to clean itself out naturally before child birth begins. Diarrhea is a sign that you will be giving birth soon. It's easier to push the baby out when you don't have all that crap backed up in your system apparently. Gross.
I had no idea. I seriously had no clue whatsoever that happened. I mean, I always kind of wondered about it, like women who are in labour for hours and hours, how they heck do they go to the bathroom. Apparently the answer is they do it right on the bed! Then a nurse just wipes it away and doesn't say a thing.
And if you get an epidural you don't feel anything down there and most women poo and don't even know they've done so! What the fuck?! That's crazy! And it's really common. It happens ALL the time! I never want to experience that. Ever.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Cross-Stitch
On Thursday I randomly decided that I wanted to take up cross-stitching for a new hobby. I went to Michaels, that over-priced craft store, bought some cheap embroidary thread, needles, and a single canvas. I also bought some blank cards and envelopes so I could try my hand at this paper stitching thing I found online.
Paper stitching was okay. Kind of boring to do. Basically you take a pattern and lay it on top of your paper and poke little holes into the paper. Then you thread the embroidary thread through the holes back and forth sort of like a spirograph.
This blog here explains it really well and the step by step pictures are nice.
Cross-stitching is fun! It's not mindless like I've heard knitting can be. You actually have to concentrate on what you're doing and look to make sure you're needle is going into the right place and such.
Paper stitching was okay. Kind of boring to do. Basically you take a pattern and lay it on top of your paper and poke little holes into the paper. Then you thread the embroidary thread through the holes back and forth sort of like a spirograph.
This blog here explains it really well and the step by step pictures are nice.
Cross-stitching is fun! It's not mindless like I've heard knitting can be. You actually have to concentrate on what you're doing and look to make sure you're needle is going into the right place and such.
Here are some examples I found online. Some cross-stitching can be really kitchy looking. I'm not a fan of things that look like this:
There's also free-hand embroidery designs which I think can be very pretty. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do something cool like this:
Then there's counted cross-stitch like this:
That one's pretty cool.
I'm working on my first piece now, which I don't want to talk about too much until it's finished. What I can say is that it is a gift for Bob, my guinea pig, and it's a original cross-stitch design. I didn't make a pattern or anything. I literally took a pencil and free hand drew what I wanted to cross-stitch on my special cross-stitching canvas and hoped that it would work. So far it has.
