I quit Wellbutrin cold turkey. It wasn't on purpose, I just forgot to take it two days in a row. I feel fantastic! I was supposed to ween myself off the Wellbutrin for a week or two and then start on the Celexa. I don't want to take any drugs right now; I feel awesome!
I'm eating, I'm energized, I'm having fun, my sex life is incredible, and most importantly I'm happy. I really, truly am happy.
That book I blogged about it, The Art of Happiness, is such a great read! I definitely recommend it to anyone whether they're happy already or not. I wouldn't quite say it's life altering, but it's definitely refreshing. I've already started trying to implement what I've learned from the book and applying it to my life, especially one thing in particular:
We are all human beings seeking happiness while trying to avoid suffering.
I believe that statement to be true and that's what I've been reminding myself every day. When you approach a person and think of that person as being your equal, it's much easier to converse, share, be compassionate, and patient. We are all humans first, and then our ethnicity, age, and so on second.
I used to walk into a room of people feeling socially awkward and totally out of place. What if they think I'm weird? What if nobody likes me? What if I humiliate myself by saying something stupid?
Recently I showed up at a party where I only knew a few people. Everyone was drinking except me (because of the Wellbutrin-seizure-inducing business.) I was anxious at first, but I reminded myself that we are human beings seeking happiness while trying to avoid suffering. I felt calmer. I talked to people and felt comfortable. Everyone was really friendly and I had nothing to worry about after all. I made some new friends without the help of alcohol and I hope to see them again soon.
Knowing Maxwell will read this blog, I don't want to use the term road-rage, but I do experience road irritability where I shout expletives at the top of my lungs to idiot drivers, speed, and am just generally angry behind the wheel, wanting to get to my destination as soon as possible, not giving a fuck about laws I may break getting there.
This is a tougher one, but reminding myself that we are all human beings seeking happiness while trying to avoid suffering helps ease some - just some - of the stress I feel while driving. Perhaps the moron, I mean human being, driving 45km/hr in a 60 zone has a reason for doing so and I shouldn't judge that driver or wish sudden death upon him or her.
It was relatively easy to accept this idea into my life because I think I'm already a fairly compassionate person... writing inmates, giving rides to hitch hikers, giving spare change to beggars, volunteering ect.
There are still many areas of my life that need work, absolutely, but I think this is great start! Like I said, I feel pretty damn excellent right now. I have so much in my life that I'm thankful for and I couldn't ask for more. I'm seeing my therapist Tuesday for our second encounter and I'm really looking forward to it. There's so much to discuss, but I doubt we'll get it all covered in an hour.
To everyone in blogger-land that supports me and reads about my mundane life, much love, peace, I wouldn't be here without you guys!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
BiPolar
I went and saw my doctor finally. I told him everything that's been going on the last 2 weeks. The highs, the lows, the headaches, the rage, the hysterical crying, overwhelmed feelings...
He started asking me all these other questions that I couldn't answer because I couldn't remember. He was asking me to think about certain behaviours and feelings I may have noticed that I exhibit in other seasons. I don't know. I honestly tried to think really hard, but I didn't know. He was giving me examples, but I couldn't really tell. I didn't know for sure. He think I'm bipolar. The Wellbutrin would exacerbate bi-polar symptoms because people who are bipolar aren't supposed to take anti-depressants; they should take mood stabilizers instead.
I don't think I'm bipolar. I've always been moody and a bit of a drama queen. Trying to remember several months back if I was cycling over longer periods of time, like weeks, is too hard to remember. If I was indeed cycling, I most likely would have attributed it to my personality, or some external factors that I thought triggered a slight "depressive" or "manic" state.
Apparently people who are bipolar rarely think they're bipolar.
It's all really confusing for me. The last couple weeks have been total hell. The doctor is weening me off Wellbutrin and starting me on Celexa in 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to it. I feel like shit right now and I don't know if the Celexa will make me feel better and I have my doubts. I haven't heard good things about it from anyone I know that's taken it.
I hate drugs. I hate pills. I hate doing all of this and I just want to quit it all.
He started asking me all these other questions that I couldn't answer because I couldn't remember. He was asking me to think about certain behaviours and feelings I may have noticed that I exhibit in other seasons. I don't know. I honestly tried to think really hard, but I didn't know. He was giving me examples, but I couldn't really tell. I didn't know for sure. He think I'm bipolar. The Wellbutrin would exacerbate bi-polar symptoms because people who are bipolar aren't supposed to take anti-depressants; they should take mood stabilizers instead.
I don't think I'm bipolar. I've always been moody and a bit of a drama queen. Trying to remember several months back if I was cycling over longer periods of time, like weeks, is too hard to remember. If I was indeed cycling, I most likely would have attributed it to my personality, or some external factors that I thought triggered a slight "depressive" or "manic" state.
Apparently people who are bipolar rarely think they're bipolar.
It's all really confusing for me. The last couple weeks have been total hell. The doctor is weening me off Wellbutrin and starting me on Celexa in 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to it. I feel like shit right now and I don't know if the Celexa will make me feel better and I have my doubts. I haven't heard good things about it from anyone I know that's taken it.
I hate drugs. I hate pills. I hate doing all of this and I just want to quit it all.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Talking About Yourself
Today was my first session with Lesley-Ann Thomas. She's an accredited member of the Canadian Counselling Association – the highest designation of counselling in Canada. Lesley-Ann earned her degrees; B.A., B.Ed., M.Ed. (Psych.) from the University of Manitoba. She completed her practicum at the U of M Student Counselling and Career Centre.
$100 an hour and worth it so far!
She's very pretty, taller than me, and has a huge rock on her wedding finger! I wonder what her husband does. According to her bio online she's got two kids and has been married at least 15 years. I don't know when that profile was last updated. I went online to Theravive and found her there. She does evening appointments and that's important to me because working at CBC, you never know what's going to happen.
At the end of our session she told me that I was intelligent and articulate and that she looked forward to working more with me. She made secret notes about certain things I talked about that she wanted to discuss further; she didn't mention what specifically, but stated I had some deep rooted issues to deal with. (Bahaha Classic!)
It's incredible how easy it is to talk about yourself candidly for an hour without any repercussions.
Lesley mentioned a book she thought I might like to read. It's called The Art Of Happiness.
It's a back and forth between the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler is how Lesley explained it. I'm interested to check it out and read it. I hope the library has it because I don't want to pay for it unless I love it. Philosophical debates never interested me in the past, but in the last 2 years I've become more inclined to discuss deeper topics at length.
We're scheduled to meet again in a week. I'm looking forward to it.
$100 an hour and worth it so far!
She's very pretty, taller than me, and has a huge rock on her wedding finger! I wonder what her husband does. According to her bio online she's got two kids and has been married at least 15 years. I don't know when that profile was last updated. I went online to Theravive and found her there. She does evening appointments and that's important to me because working at CBC, you never know what's going to happen.
At the end of our session she told me that I was intelligent and articulate and that she looked forward to working more with me. She made secret notes about certain things I talked about that she wanted to discuss further; she didn't mention what specifically, but stated I had some deep rooted issues to deal with. (Bahaha Classic!)
It's incredible how easy it is to talk about yourself candidly for an hour without any repercussions.
Lesley mentioned a book she thought I might like to read. It's called The Art Of Happiness.
It's a back and forth between the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler is how Lesley explained it. I'm interested to check it out and read it. I hope the library has it because I don't want to pay for it unless I love it. Philosophical debates never interested me in the past, but in the last 2 years I've become more inclined to discuss deeper topics at length.
We're scheduled to meet again in a week. I'm looking forward to it.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Enormous Migraine
I am not well.
I need to see my doctor.
Yesterday I had an "episode" that was off the charts. It was terrible. I was in a rage. I had it in my head that I was going to leave Winnipeg and move away somewhere. I didn't know where. I wasn't thinking it through. I was just so mad and then I realized I had nowhere to go and despair and hopelessness emerged. Uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating... I started scratching my arm up with a knife, but nothing serious. I wasn't bleeding. It brought me back down a notch. I mixed a gram of shrooms with yogurt and flax and ate it with my Wellbutrin pill. Scratched myself some more. Then I felt better. Calmer.
The doorbell rang and it was a package that I had ordered. It was like someone flicked a switch in my brain. I was excited and happy. I ripped it open and it was the robotic kitty litter box I ordered a few weeks ago. (More about that in another post.)
Lately it seems as though I've been acting more like a person who has bipolar than SAD. My emotions are ranging from excessively high to lowest of the low. I'm doing things impulsively like making large purchases I can't afford, (robotic kitty litter box was more than $300) and also taking trips short notice, (randomly went to Grand Forks for 2 days on impulse and spent money I don't have on shopping.)
I'm being an idiot, not thinking things through. I got searched at the boarder and some items were found in my car that I hadn't claimed. Had to pay duty on them and now my name's in the system for 2 years. It was just a warning, but I'll be searched every time I cross the boarder for the next 2 years. I've been to the states so many times; I know how it works. I don't know why I was being so dumb. I felt unstoppable at the time.
In Grand Forks, I smoked some pot and spent all this money. I felt so high! When I came home I crashed and burned.
A meeting with a therapist is in the works. Before I left for Grand Forks I was coming up from a down-swing and decided I needed something to supplement my antidepressant. Forgot all about it in Grand Forks of course because I was feeling so amazing. Now I'm trying to get an appointment booked sooner than later. Waiting for a call back.
You have no idea how sick I am of feeling like this. The physical pain that manifests itself from dealing with so much emotional turmoil is too much for me and I just want to feel better already. I just want to feel normal! Is that too much to ask? I don't want want to do this anymore.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Wellbutrin Dreams
I am a believer that your dreams mean something deeper. It's not always apparent and you often have to have some time to think it through. Lately I've been having these long, twisting, wild dreams. Sometimes the dreams feel real and I wake up wondering if it actually happened or not. Three out of five senses are active in most of my dreams: touch, sight, sound. Smell and taste are sometimes there too, but I don't always wake up remembering.
For instance, last night, in real life I should add, I got home after having a bad night out and ate a sleeve of peanut-butter oatmeal cookies by myself as I watched Project Runway. When I was done I put the box of cookies away. Then when I went to sleep there was a tiny portion in my dream where my sister went to get some cookies and realized a whole sleeve had been eaten. She somehow knew it was me and called me out on it. When I woke up this morning I had to really think hard if that happened in real life or not because it seemed so real and normal in my dream.
Also in my dream last night, without getting into detail, I dreamed I was babysitting an infant. I could feel the weight of the baby pressed against my body as I held it. I could feel the softness of the blanket. What a mind fuck!
This dream went on for seemingly hours upon hours, changing locations, people coming in and out. Friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, people from my past, they were all involved and intermingled even though I know they don't know each other in real life and have never met. There was so much going on, and it was all totally mundane. Totally ordinary, commonplace, humdrum stuff. Not necessarily boring, but just average and non-exciting in any way. Preparing lunch. Scolding a child. Looking out the window. This is what I dream about haha! They're very detailed though - seeing all the seeds, and slight bruise in a red strawberry, for example. I'm always noticing intricacies, but not the bigger picture. I couldn't tell you the colour of the kitchen walls for example, something you would probably notice if you were standing in a kitchen.
Wellbutrin supposedly can make you have vivid dreams. Are my dreams strong, distinct, or clearly perceptible? I don't know, I suppose so. They're definitely not intense, or brightly coloured. I've read accounts from people who claim they have a hard time distinguishing their dreams from reality because it seems so real to them and it's caused fights and other real problems. Some people experience horrible nightmares and can't sleep.
My dreams aren't affecting my life that much. I've had a few dreams where I've woken up tired because there was so much going on in my head. I've had a few dreams that were deeply disturbing and left me feeling like there was something wrong with my brain. I can often piece together why I probably dreamed about a certain person, or activity, but for the dreams that left me wondering why I dreamed that, it's still a mystery.
For instance, last night, in real life I should add, I got home after having a bad night out and ate a sleeve of peanut-butter oatmeal cookies by myself as I watched Project Runway. When I was done I put the box of cookies away. Then when I went to sleep there was a tiny portion in my dream where my sister went to get some cookies and realized a whole sleeve had been eaten. She somehow knew it was me and called me out on it. When I woke up this morning I had to really think hard if that happened in real life or not because it seemed so real and normal in my dream.
Also in my dream last night, without getting into detail, I dreamed I was babysitting an infant. I could feel the weight of the baby pressed against my body as I held it. I could feel the softness of the blanket. What a mind fuck!
This dream went on for seemingly hours upon hours, changing locations, people coming in and out. Friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, people from my past, they were all involved and intermingled even though I know they don't know each other in real life and have never met. There was so much going on, and it was all totally mundane. Totally ordinary, commonplace, humdrum stuff. Not necessarily boring, but just average and non-exciting in any way. Preparing lunch. Scolding a child. Looking out the window. This is what I dream about haha! They're very detailed though - seeing all the seeds, and slight bruise in a red strawberry, for example. I'm always noticing intricacies, but not the bigger picture. I couldn't tell you the colour of the kitchen walls for example, something you would probably notice if you were standing in a kitchen.
Wellbutrin supposedly can make you have vivid dreams. Are my dreams strong, distinct, or clearly perceptible? I don't know, I suppose so. They're definitely not intense, or brightly coloured. I've read accounts from people who claim they have a hard time distinguishing their dreams from reality because it seems so real to them and it's caused fights and other real problems. Some people experience horrible nightmares and can't sleep.
My dreams aren't affecting my life that much. I've had a few dreams where I've woken up tired because there was so much going on in my head. I've had a few dreams that were deeply disturbing and left me feeling like there was something wrong with my brain. I can often piece together why I probably dreamed about a certain person, or activity, but for the dreams that left me wondering why I dreamed that, it's still a mystery.
