Do I Really Want to Medicate?

I truly didn't want to go back on my medication for Bipolar until after I was done breastfeeding. I didn't want to cause any harm to my baby and my bipolar is mild enough that I'm not at risk for harming myself or others. But when I visited my obgyn a couple weeks ago, she told me that my baby is already formed and is just growing, so there is no risk to the fetus. She set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and I was told to think it over.

I feel like I'm so close to the end of my pregnancy, being in the third trimester, why dick around with drugs when I'm going to want to go off them right away to breastfeed? Plus, if I'm given something other than lithium, it could take a month or 2 of crazy side effects before we get the dosage right or find out if the drug is even right for me at all. By then I'll be ready to give birth. It just doesn't make sense.

Yet, I haven't been feeling well. It's affecting my daily life and even my new job at the daycare. I've definitely been hypomanic for some weeks now and feeling quite dysphoric at times. For a lot of bipolar sufferers, they say to themselves, Am I getting too happy? But for me it's more like, Am I getting too angry? Since I almost never experience euphoria unless weed or alcohol is involved.

I have a lot of disproportionate anger and anxiety in any given situation. I get restless and I feel bored, but at the same time, I don't have the energy to make a change and go do something. When things get really bad, I'll get a touch of insomnia and that makes everything worse. I'll start to feel more overwhelmed, more exhausted, more anxiety, and my ability to function is reduced so much, sometimes I can't even up stand up.

Last week I came into work at 10 am. I had 2 nights of interrupted sleep. I was tired and angry and it was really hot outside. I was working in a new room, without air conditioning, with kids and staff I'd never worked with before and I felt really nervous about it, so I was sweating even more. By 11 am I broke down and had to go home for the day. I went into the bathroom and cried and cried and I pretty much had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, my whole body was shaking, and my face was white despite how hot I was. I could barely stand.

Two young staff came to check on me and it was so embarrassing telling them I had to go home and to call the boss and tell her I was leaving. Bob had to leave school early to come home and take care of me because I was so out of sorts. By the time he got home, I'd mellowed out, but then I was just extremely angry at everything and him, for no reason. It's really difficult for him to deal with me sometimes because it's hard not to take it personally, even though I say hurtful stuff I totally don't mean at all.

I've also noticed something else that happens, that I didn't realize before. I become idealistic when hypomanic. That's strange because normally I'm a realist through and through. I think a lot of my hypomanic anger comes from the fact that things aren't perfect, and I feel like my master plan is being fucked with. Certain things about people or objects that I had previously accepted as normal and okay become very serious "flaws" that need to be altered as soon as possible to be "more perfect like me."

At first glance it would seem like I'm depressed because I'm angry, upset, crying, inconsolable, but I'm actually in a mixed state. When I'm depressed, I hate myself and want to die because of all my "flaws". When I'm hypomanic I hate everything and everyone else and all I see is their flaws and what I would change about them so that my world can be perfect. I honestly want everything to be perfect all the time always and it's very upsetting when something goes wrong, even something very trivial that I normally would not get upset about.

But it's all so mild usually, I don't think many people can tell. I try to keep as much of it in as I can, but when I get home, Bob obviously gets the worst of it. I feel safest around him and I know he loves me and won't leave me, even when I say the cruelest things and act very rude.

So, back to the question at hand... do I go back on medication or not? I would obviously benefit from it, but I still don't think it's worth it for such a short time. Plus, I can't afford it. Money's so tight already, I don't think I could spare even $10 a month for medication. I guess we'll see what the psychiatrist says.

Nesting

Those who know me well, know that I am not the tidiest person. I don't enjoy doing housework and therefore hardly do it. More than once I have ordered delivery because I had no clean dishes to cook or eat with. My laundry is usually in piles everywhere and never put away properly. The reason I rarely invite friends over is because my apartment is never fit to receive guests. The week before I have people come over, I commence a deep clean to get my place up to health codes.

I'm a different person these days. I think nesting has kicked in early. Nesting can happen at any time during pregnancy apparently, and not just before you go into labor. On top of all the vacuuming, laundry, and dishes I've been doing lately, I've also started doing some really out of character stuff like cleaning out the microwave thoroughly, pulling apart and cleaning out the drain in the bathroom sink, cleaning the entire toilet inside and out by hand, washing every sheet, blanket, and pillow case in the house, even the clean ones in the closet, and a lot of random reorganizing.

I've reorganized and cleaned out every kitchen cupboard. I reorganized and sorted my makeup, Bob's magazine collection, cleaned off the top of the fridge, sorted all the baby clothes I've gotten thus far, folded all my socks, and reorganized all my dry goods, like sugar, flour ect by putting them in different containers.

Plus it's the time I choose to do these chores. Like, last night for instance, I decided I absolutely had to vacuum the house at midnight. That is so not like me.

I make Bob do stuff too, (but that is like me lol.) I made him sanitize the dryer, clean the stove, (which needs to be done again) clean out the fridge, dust the air vent in the bathroom, and tonight I'm going to make him clean the bathtub. My apartment has never been this clean for this long!

I literally own 5 containers of lysol disinfecting wipes! I can't stop using them! I clean everything with them. Again, sooo not like me!

I'm not sure how long this will last for. Perhaps it's a phase and I will go back to normal soon. I hope it's not... I could get used to living in a clean home for once!

Dream-Land and Ramblings

I will most likely be giving birth in 100 days. I am officially 26 weeks pregnant and in my third trimester!

I'm not sure if this is considered a side-effect of pregnancy, but when I go to sleep, I have the longest, most detailed, intricate dreams of my life. These dreams play out like movies, and it feels like real life sometimes. When I wake up, I feel groggy. My brain is exhausted from dreaming and I just want to go back to sleep and get some actual rest. On the days that I can, I fall back to sleep quickly, but just start dreaming again. It's ridiculous!

And my dreams are crazy too. Usually I love to look up my dreams in dream dictionaries and try to figure out what they mean. It's impossible to do that now. There's too much going on in my dreams that I can't tell where one dream starts and another ends. They just flow together and connect somehow. Trying to pick out a theme, or even writing the dream down is next to impossible in the mornings when there's already so much to do.

I'm usually not pregnant in my dreams, which I think is interesting. A lot of the time I'm really fit. Like, fitter than I actually am in real life haha. Another thing I'm noticing in my dreams is that I possess certain physical or mental skills or talents that I know or don't think I have in real life. It's quite strange, but also reassuring in a way. The dreams I have been able to look up have all had baby or pregnancy undertones.

I feel like this baby had taken over my life, my dreams, and it's not even here yet. It's sort of annoying.

Most of the time I feel so ready for this baby to come. I know I can handle it. I know I'll be a good mom. Bob's been such an amazing support, if he can handle me, he can handle anything thrown his way! I know he'll be a great dad.

The closer I get to my due date, the more twinges of fear I get, where I realize just how much responsibility I'm about to come into. I won't be able to leave on a whim. I won't be able to drop everything and go to a party or get drunk whenever I want. That's not really my style anyway, but still, knowing that I can't feels a little suffocating. I'm going to have to plan every little thing!

My close friends with babies don't live near me and my friends who live close to me don't plan on having kids for a few more years yet. I feel slightly alone. There's tons of support for me out there and all my friends and family have rallied behind me and really helped raise me up, but I can't shake the feeling of being the odd one out with a baby.

I want this baby so bad and I love this baby so much, and in 100 days or so, he or she will finally be here and I know I'll be happy. Still, I can't shake this feeling of wanting to be 19 again for a night- single, free, flirting with everyone, wearing a sexy size 6, eating whatever I want, stumbling around drunk and high and partying with my friends until dawn.

That actually was my life once upon a time and I never missed it until now because now I can never have that again. I probably never was going to have that again because I didn't necessarily want to live like that, but the option is completely off the table with a baby coming.

"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table."

I've never had that sudden realization that I wasn't young anymore and could no longer do "young-people" stuff. I've never actually felt old before. Today I feel old. It feels terrible.