My Resolutions 2011

As per tradition of this blog, I would like to formaly annouce my New Year's Resolutions for 2011 and reflect upon my resolutions from 2010.

It was noted in 2010 that I wanted to:

1. Get in (better) shape

2. Save lots of money and buy a house in 2011

3. Be proactive with my friendships

Did I get in better shape in 2010? You know what, I think I did. I didn't stick to my work out all the time, but I did enjoy my time pole dancing, and I also started going to the gym again. I did a bit of running in the summer, and I look forward to keeping up the good work in 2011!

Did I save lots of money so that I could buy a house in 2011? Not quite... I did seriously consider getting myself involved in a rent-to-own condo deal, but my car broke down around the same time and my financial advisor advised me to get a new car first and then when it's paid off in 4 years, I can start looking at getting a real mortgage.

Did I become more proactive with my friendships? I did make a conscious effort to get out of the house and call my friends instead of waiting for them to call me. I could have done a better job, but I'm pleased with the progress I've made in regards to making new friends and continuing previous relationships.

My resolutions for 2011 are as follows:

1. Live within my means

2. Get back to working on my second novel

3. Learn to play my ukulele or harmonica or both

With the new car payments and new apartment, I really need to focus on cutting back my expenses, limiting my credit card use, and paying off my line of credit. I eat out too much and that can cost $100 a week or more!

I'd like to start writing again. I've got one module left for my Creative Writing course and my book hasn't been touched in months. I haven't even thought about it. I'd love to start her up again and maybe even finish it by 2012.

I received a harmonica for Christmas. I also received a ukulele back in 2010. It would be nice if I could learn how to play at least one of them properly. I've never been driven to learn an instrument ever before, but hopefully I can at least try to get the hang of one of them.

Those are my resolutions for 2011!

Celebrating Womanhood!

I was reading about a woman who's niece had started her period for the first time. She wanted to do something special for her niece to celebrate the ocassion, but after mentioning the idea to some coworkers who didn't respond positively, she started to second-guess herself. Her niece is living with her on a semi-permanent basis and was quite excited about entering womanhood.

Where else do you turn when you need answers? The internet! Complete strangers always come through for us online, don't they?

A lot of responses in the comments section highlighted that getting your period is embarrassing, especially when you're young, and then celebrating it and making a big deal out of it would be very horrible and make the poor girl want to die. Also, that nobody should celebrate getting their period because it's just a mundane thing that's going to happen to you for the next fifty years.

However, there were even more responses saying, hey, this is big deal for some girls! Why not go out and celebrate? Take her shopping, go out for a nice dinner, buy her jewelery, go to the salon; go out and do whatever she wants to do to celebrate! This is a major milestone in her life, one she won't soon forget.

I know you're all dying to know what my take on the subject is... I'm pro celebration of course!

Growing up I anticipated my period coming, but was still very unsure about how it all worked. The reading material provided to me was confusing and I didn't really understand it.

I actually got my "first period" three times growing up. The very first time was near the end of August. I can't remember the year, or how old I was, but I remember I was in Kenora with my friend at her uncle's cabin with her family celebrating her birthday. I may have been eleven.

We had put on our swimsuits and gone into the hot tub. I noticed a single drop of blood in swimsuit after getting out and drying off to get changed back into my normal clothes. I told my friend and she found this giant diaper like pad under the sink for me to wear. It was huge! I can't remember if I even bled in it, but I didn't bleed again until a year later.

For the second "first period" I was in Ontario. Again. (Not Kenora though.) My mother, sister, and I were visiting some family friends who used to live in Manitoba with us. My mom's friend had two sons aged the same as my sister and I. I went to the bathroom and there was a small amount of blood, but luckily not on my clothes or underwear. I found a panty-liner under the sink. I didn't want the boys in the house to know and my mom was gone. I spotted for at least a day, maybe two and that was it. There was practically no blood at all.

Finally I got my actual period! It was in the summer again the next year. I was going into grade 7 or 8, I can't remember. I went to the bathroom and peed. There was no blood on my clothes or anything, but when I went to flush, omfg I nearly died. Bright red blood and tons of it! I freaked out, crying and called the Kids Help Phone ha-ha. The last two years there was barely any blood at all and I had no idea there was going to be so much when I started my period for real! I was home alone and scared. From then on I kept getting periods month after month.

There was no celebration for any of my first periods. It was all very secretive, not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't know how to tell people and my mother was absent for all three! Mom noticed the wrappers in the trash and open the door to my room half way to tell me she'd noticed I started my period and that was all. No talk. No gifts. No celebration. Not even a hug!

I was dismayed by her reaction. I had worked myself up to this point for three or four years and I still felt scared about everything, but I wasn't one to admit my fears aloud. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't have the internet. What's normal? What isn't? I proudly wrote in my journal all about it for a week straight, being as detailed as I could so I could keep track of my ever-changing body.

For probably a year, every month when I got my period I'd write about it proudly. To me, it was a celebration every month! It was an affirmation of my womanhood!

And when I started having sex, I used to celebrate getting my period all the time! It meant I wasn't pregnant! That's definitely something to celebrate when you're in high school and being bombarded with teen pregnancy statistics every other day! Sometimes my boyfriend would celebrate with me because he'd be just as relieved as I was to get it!

The point of all this is that if I have a daughter I'm going to celebrate her period and treat her like a queen for a day! Menstruating it totally natural and normal and I don't think it's a taboo subject at all. I talk about it with my friends openly. I talk about it with my boyfriend openly. The more openly you discuss menstruation with others, the less weird it is as a whole to society. Look how far we've come already regarding various other "taboo" subjects: homosexuality, sexually transmitted infections, masturbation, and addictions to name a few.

It's only weird and embarrassing if we let it become that way.

Unsatisfied

I don't know why I can't just be satisfied with what I have. I'm constantly yearning for more, wanting what is just out of reach. This desire to aquire the unobtainable is putting a strain on my life. The funny thing is that I have no idea what it is that I'm looking for!

I should be happy because I've got a new apartment and I'm finally moving out of my mother's basement.
I should be happy because I bought a new car and I've never had a new car before.
I should be happy because I'm dating the most wonderful man in the world who is perfect for me in every way.
I should be happy because I have a job that pays well and I'm living comfortably and have everything I need.
I should be happy because I have amazing friends who love me and like spending time with me, just as I love them and enjoy spending time with them too!

Why can't that be enough?
Why does there have to be something more?
What more could there be?

I don't know if I'm unhappy; I honestly can't tell. I feel like maybe I might not be happy.

I feel fairly angry. I've been snapping at my boyfriend and getting annoyed much quicker than usual. I'm just frustrated and bored and I want to get out of this country and go somewhere warm for a while.

Natural Family Planning

First of all, I hope you've noticed that I've added a search bar to my blog. This blog is getting old! There's a lot of content hidden in here so I figured it would be nice if people could search for stuff a little easier. Since Blogger added the stat, I realized this blog gets a lot more traffic than I orginally thought it did.

But back to the topic at hand - I've been doing some research! Below are three natural family planning techniques. For the last year I've been using the Standard Days Method and it's worked just fine for me. I've successfully avoided pregnancy for well over 6 months. I had 2 pregnancy scares in that time, but one of those doesn't count because I just got confused over some information and was hysterical for nothing.

I bought a Basal thermometer last week so I could start taking my temperature and figure out when I've been ovulating. You have to keep track of it every day at the same time in the morning each day. So far I'm failing. I'm going to have to start over next month. After six months of charting I'll probably have enough data and won't have to do it anymore until I actually want to get pregnant.

Combining methods will make my unprotected sex life much safer I hope. My boyfriend and I do not use condoms and I am not on the pill. We hate both of them. The pill has too many side effects. I've tried taking three different brands several times throughout the past 7 years and I loathe the birth control pill every single time. I don't reccommend it to anybody. Condoms are just annoying and neither of us can feel anything during sex while he's wearing one.

Standard Days Method: Count the first day of your period as day 1. On days 1 to 7 you are not fertile and can have unprotected intercourse. On days 8 to 19 you must avoid sex or use a barrier method if you do not want to get pregnant. From day 20 until your period starts you can have unprotected sex. There is a 5% failure rate. You can buy "Cycle Beads" which is just a visual way to keep track of where you are in your cycle. I prefer to just write it down in my agenda. This method cannot be used if your menstrual cycle runs less than 26 days long or longer than 32 days.

That's why there is the counting method!

Counting Method: The first day of menstrual bleeding is day 1 of your cycle. Count the length of your cycle until the first day of your next period and record the number for 6 months. Subtract 18 from your shortest cycle in the past 6 months. Subtract 11 from your longest cycle in the past 6 months. For example, 18 from 28 is 10, 11 from 32 is 21. From day 10 to day 21 is your most fertile time and you should use some type of barrier protection to prevent pregnancy or abstain from intercourse.

Basal Temperature Method: This method is more time consuming. You have to check your temperature at the same time in the morning every day. Your basal temperature does not tell you when you will ovulate. It only tells you when it is done. You will have relatively low temperatures from the time of your period until you ovulate. Ovulation will cause a rise of about 6/10th of one degree. This rise can happen in a day or it can stair-step up over a period of several days. So to avoid pregnancy, avoid having unprotected sex until the your temperatures are recorded for three consecutive days at .4 F higher than your temperatures were for the six days previous to the rise.

If your cycle runs between 26-32 days and you qualify to use the Standard Days Method safely, you can use the counting method as well to double check to make sure your safe days are the same using both methods.

Along with taking your basal temperature, you can check your cervical mucus. It's kind of gross. You have to note the color, (yellow, white, clear or cloudy) and consistency, (thick, sticky, stretchy) as well as how it feels (dry, wet, sticky, slippery, stretchy).  It's all very time intensive and and so much can throw it all off, ie: not taking your temperature at the same time every day, if you're sick, if you didn't get enough sleep, and so on.

And then you chart it all! You write all of this down every single day! You're also supposed to chart when you bleed and when you have intercourse and all sorts of other stuff! Too much! I'm just going to worry about trying to take my temperature and not worry about cervical mucus ha-ha. I'll probably give up on it all too soon, but I'll try at least. The thermometer was only $20.

One final thought: Natural family planning should not be used by sluts and whores. These methods do not prevent sexually transmitted infections or diseases and you and your partner should both get a clean bill of health from the doctor before embarking on something like this. Also, unless the man is really awesome at pulling out, be sure to have some sort of barrier protection for when you decide to have sex on her fertile days! Happy safe unsafe sex!

Med Free

Maybe I shouldn't have gone off my meds... I'm feeling less than stellar lately. I'm not feeling depressed or suicidal; I'm feeling angry. I'm just mad in general. I don't know why. I thought it was withdrawal symptoms, or my period, but it could be anything - or nothing for that matter. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I know I should be happy because there isn't really a good reason for me to be angry, but I still feel like I need to get away. Little things are setting me off. It's not a buildup either. I'm not holding anything back I don't think. Everyone's pissing me off and I'm highly irritable. By everyone I mean my family. By family I mean my mother.

I could go into detail, but I'll spare your eyes.

I just want to go to sleep for a month and have nobody bother me. No phone, no internet, no anything. Just me and my music and an enormous bottle of sleeping pills.

House Warming 2011

It just goes to show that Chelsea Ribbon always gets what she wants!

After getting the car I wanted I now have the apartment I wanted!

I scoured kijiji looking for a place to rent in January when I came across a delightful one bedroom on Midwinter Ave, a meer four blocks from my beloved boyfriend's apartment. It was the only ad I responded to and the only apartment I viewed.

When I walked in I fell in love and decided that this apartment was going to be mine no matter what! Unfortunately I was a Friday evening when I viewed the place and had to wait until Monday to hand in my application.

I spent $7 on a money order to pay the damage deposit since I lost my cheque book. I was really mad because there already a couple of application pending and mine would only get reviewed once they others were disqualified.

Just my luck! I got a call this morning that my application had gone through and I was accepted. I dropped off my money order before going to work. They said they'd call again soon to sign some papers and stuff since I'd be taking over the end of someone else's lease. The possession date is December 23rd!

I can't actually move in that day because of work and the holidays, so it will all probably have to wait until the first week of January. Either way, I'm really excited to get out of the basement and into my own place again!

House warming party to come in 2011!

It's a Smart Car!

Yesterday I remedied my walking-woes by buying a new car! It's a 2006 Smart Fortwo Coup Passion. I love my new car! I'd post pictures, but it's covered in snow right now and I'm too lazy to clean it off and make it look nice for the internet.

It's fully loaded. A diesel. I get about 60 mpg, but that's an estimate I got online. I was also reading that Canada stopped selling diesel Smart Cars after 2007 because they weren't meeting the emission standards. I hope my 2006 is meeting current emission standards!

Something that's different about my Smart car is that it has an automated manual transmission without a clutch pedal. I can drive in automatic mode, or if I want, I can switch to the "manual" mode. It's not totally manual, but you can choose when you'd like to shift by pressing the gear stick up or down. There's like a digital display on the dash that shows how much gas you have, mileage, and all that. There it will show an up arrow if you're not shifting fast enough. I tried it once and then went back to driving in automatic.

I find the car to be slightly jerky. I feel the car shifting gears and I hit my head on the back of the seat a lot ha-ha. I think it's because I'm not used to driving it yet. When I took it on a test drive, the dealership manager came with me at my request and he drove the car for a bit first so that he could explain all the features while he drove. It was a smooth drive when he drove ha-ha!

Another curious thing about the car is that it doesn't roll forward when you put it in drive. You know how when you put your car in drive it just starts to go without you even pressing on the gas pedal? In this car, you don't creep forward at all! In fact, you have to put a substantial amount of pressure on the gas pedal to get going.

Everyone always complains about the lack of space in a Smart car and that they'd much rather have the backseat as an option should they need it. All Smart cars have a cargo area. You can fit luggage for two people in there, or a month's worth of groceries. A couple things it does not have that I wish it did is a glove box, a second cup holder, and more buttons to save radio stations. You can only save four!

Honestly, the Smart car has all the space I need. When I had a backseat in the past, I literally threw garbage back there and forget what all was there! I carried a microwave in my backseat for five months!!! I never have passengers in my car, ever, except for perhaps Bob, and he fits just fine in the car.

This car fits my lifestyle. It's affordable. My insurance is a hundred bucks a month and half a tank of diesel cost me eleven dollars! I bought the car and a four year warranty for $14,448.00 after taxes! My car payments are $365 a month for four years and I can make lump sum payments against my loan at any time for any amount.

I take the bus to work since parking downtown costs over ten bucks a day. I only use my car to run personal errands and to drive to Bob's or my friend's houses. What do I need a bigger car for if that's all I do with my vehicle?

Way To Walk No Legs

I am officially a pedestrian today. My 1993 Cavalier failed me at poor time and now I'm car-less. The mechanic straight up told me that he wasn't going to waste anybody's time working on my car because it wasn't worth it.

Brake line was leaking fluid. Head gasket leaked. The radiator was plugged. The undercarriage was rusted badly.

I'm aggravated. Today I drove my car to the scrapyard and received $150 for it. I just had brand new tires put on it 3 months ago that cost me over $200, but alas, something is better than nothing I suppose. ...grumble grumble grumble...

I have no car. I have no money to buy a new car, not even a used car! I was planning on moving out in January, possibly buying a condo. I can't do that now because I don't want to take on too much debt at once when I'm technically already in debt.

I'm going to speak to a financial adviser at my bank this week and see what can be done to help me out. Perhaps I can make all the purchases I want to make with a bit of planning and a couple loans.

At first I was feeling really angry, like Why Me? Why can't I catch a fucking break? I was basically feeling sorry for myself and looking for a handout. That car was a piece of shit and I should have known its break down day was coming soon. I've made a couple of poor financial decisions since moving into mom's basement. I can only blame myself. Oh well... life. Fuck it.

No Orgasms

I've been taking Celexa for three weeks now and it's ruining my sex life.
Well, it's not ruining it per se, but it's affecting it negatively. I find that I am aroused just the same as I was, pre-Celexa, and also pre-Wellbutrin, but coming to orgasm is increasingly difficult. My boyfriend does a wonderful job of turning me on and hitting all my spots, but I'm just not able to feel that "whoosh" that I used to feel.

I appologize in advance if what you're about to read becomes too graphic, but it's all in the name of science, so please read on. I'll try not to be too crude.

Before intercourse, my boyfriend and I will go through the usual foreplay we like to do together: kissing, biting, sucking, massaging ect... which makes me totally wet and ready to go, so we proceed with intercourse. It always feels wonderful and I always get to the point where I know that an orgasm is possible, but *just not yet!* We can't be having sex for 2 hours so I can have a single orgasm. That's unreasonable and impractical.

So, my boyfriend finishes when he's ready to and that's fine with me. Not including foreplay, we'll have sex from anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes, depending on our mood. I don't feel disappointed or frustrated at all because I personally feel as though sex is about the journey, not the destination; however it would be nice to have an orgasm during sex again. I've brought myself to orgasm using toys when I'm alone, but those masturbating sessions take about 2 hours to complete. Sometimes after that long, I don't even orgasm! The toy will die on me before I finish! That's the only frustrating thing.

But there's something else I wanted to blog about regarding orgasms. During intercourse and masturbating sessions I ejaculate, but don't orgasm. Hopefully you can follow my train of thought here because a lot of people think that when a woman has an orgasm she ejaculates, so surely I must be having an orgasm, correct? Wrong! There's cum everywhere, I can feel it, but I didn't feel an orgasm. I looked it up online and it's common for some woman to experience this, not necessarily while on drugs, but just in general.

Also, I've experienced some sort of spontaneous female ejaculation business more than once. A few hours after sex or masturbating without having an orgasm, I'll feel this gush between my legs and my panties feel really wet. For the ladies reading this, I'd say that it feels similar to when you're on your period and you stand up after sitting for a long time and you feel gravity do its thing. Anyway, the first time this spontaneous ejaculation thing happened, I went to the washroom to see what was going on and was surprised about all the cum. My panties were soaked! But did I have an orgasm? Nope! In fact it more so felt like I was peeing myself and wasn't all that pleasurable. Just annoying!

Next thing you know I'll be having wet dreams ha-ha!

Everything downstairs is working, if you know what I mean; I just can't experience a decent orgasm. I'm blaming the Celexa. I could orgasm fine on Wellbutrin. I see the doctor next week and I'm going to tell him that I don't want to continue taking Celexa.

In fact, I've made the decision to discontinue taking any sort of anti-depressants and go au naturale and see what happens. Even though I feel stable and normal, I don't know if it's because I am actually stable and normal, or if it's because of the Celexa. Time will tell. Wish me luck. (And an orgasm!)

♥

I'm so in love!

I'd shout it from the top of a mountain but I don't have a mountain; I have a blog!

I don't know what's come over me, but I'm suddenly so incredibly enamored with Bob, more-so than normal.

Even after being together for nearly 6 months things still feel really new, like I just met him yesterday. It's not lust though - no, definitely not lust! The sex is unbelievably incredible, but it's so much more than!

I'm super stoked to go over to his house and watch tv all night. I'm excited to hang out with his family on a Sunday. I adore listening to him play guitar and sing for me. I even like it when he smokes his first cigarette in the morning in his underwear and t-shirt. His hair is a mess and he needs a shave, but he looks so rugged and sexy! I look like shit, no make-up, tangled hair, but he smiles at me and I can't help but blush and feel beautiful.

I really don't know what's come over me... I just feel like I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is real! Pinch me!

I even googled, "how do you know it's real love?"

Do you remember when you were in middle school or high school and you had a crush on someone and you were pretty sure they had a crush on you too, but of course you didn't know for sure. So, you'd just keep flirting back and forth, for days, weeks even, holding your breath the whole time, waiting for something to happen that would ruin it all. It's like that, except I already know he likes me back. I can exhale any time I want to... I'm just too excited to breathe!