Breastfeeding in Public

It is my wish to attempt breastfeeding. I understand it may not work for me, but nonetheless, I really want to try for as long as I can stand it. It seems to be that breastfeeding in public is this huge controversial thing and the closer I get to my due date, the more nervous I am about attempting to breastfeed, let alone breastfeed in public. All you see in the news is stories about women getting harassed and breastfeeding getting sensationalized.

Even images and stories that are meant to be inspiring and promote breastfeeding just turn ugly in the end and there's this outcry of disgust and judgment.

I worked in news, so I get it. You never see a story about the plane that landed safely, or the boy that didn't drown, or the house the didn't get set on fire. Those are the norm and the norm is not news.

However, it can be very discouraging because it's not like I have the law on my side or anything. Only British Columbia and Ontario have specifically stated it's lawful to breastfeed in public. In fact, you can print out this 2 page fact sheet to keep in your diaper bag to present to people who ask you to cover up, move, or leave.

"It is illegal to discriminate against a woman because she may become pregnant, is pregnant, or has a baby. Nursing mothers have the right to breastfeed their children in a public area, and it is discriminatory to ask them to cover up or breastfeed somewhere else."

How empowering is that? I wish Manitoba had something like this! All I can do is refer someone to the human rights code, which is vague. One of my best friends breastfed her baby for about 6 months and she said not once did she endure any harassment or ridicule when out in public. That is encouraging because maybe breastfeeding isn't as hot of a topic as it seems.

But what about all those nurse-ins? People do nurse-ins everywhere all the time and they always spark debate! I remember there was even a nurse-in at the Pan-Am pool a few years ago. I was there with CBC. A woman breastfeeding in a chair near the kiddie pool area was asked to move to the change room because she was offending the other pool guests. She had just finished an infant swimming class! The mayor personally apologized to her and said the city does in fact support breastfeeding.

I don't think nurse-ins really change public perception about breastfeeding in public. You're either for it or against it. Does it raise awareness? Maybe for a day. Will nursing women one day be specifically protected under law? Yes, one day. Women's rights activists and the such will continue to lobby the government until a change is made, I'm sure.

In the meantime, if I'm nursing my baby in a restaurant or a store and I'm asked to move or cover up more, what will I honestly respond with? Knowing myself the way I do, I'll probably stand my ground and continue to feed my baby in the manner I see fit. I might even get a little sassy depending on what kind of mood I'm in.

What could happen if I completely refused to comply? Will security come and escort me out? Would they physically drag me outside with a baby on my breast? Would the cops get called because I'm not cooperating and making a scene? It's a such a ridiculous scenario, and I think most nursing mothers would give up well before the situation escalated into something as big as that. To a certain degree, people try to avoid conflict.

I'm a polite enough person, I'm sure it would never come to that anyway. What a great news story though! I've got a lot of friends in broadcast if it ever were to happen for real! One phone call and I'm famous for a day!

Fetal Ultrasound Results

This morning was my first ever ultrasound at the St. Boniface Hospital. One and a half hours before my appointment, I had to drink 500 ml of water. While the tech was performing the test, my bladder actually hurt, especially from all the hard pressing!

The technician was really nice! She let Bob sneak into the room with us and watch the whole procedure. This is not allowed at St. Boniface Hospital and there are signs everywhere saying that family must wait outside and then if time permits, may join afterward. She told us not to tell on her lol!

While the tech was doing her thing, Bob and I got to watch the monitor, but we weren't allowed to talk. She explained she needed silence so she could concentrate on what she was doing and then she'd tell us about the baby afterward. I thought I was going to cry, it was so amazing! The look on Bob's face was priceless. He looked so happy! We would exchange quick glances at each other, smiling excitedly, but for the most part we just wanted to watch our baby on the screen.

While she moved the wand thing over me, I could see every little bone in the spine. I could see the heart beating! She showed us the umbilical cord and stomach. I saw my baby's entire face, the nose, the eyes, the mouth! We even got to see the baby yawn! It was adorable! I saw the baby's footprint, and the fingers too.


While I was following along, I noticed that I didn't see a penis and when the tech left the room and let me get up to go to the washroom, I told Bob that I thought it was a girl. I had looked at dozens of photos online last night so could try to make an educated guess in case they wouldn't tell me anything.

Baby's arms were up high, almost like it was covering it's ears or something. The legs were crossed and the knees were up by the chest. She showed us Baby's bum, bladder, and thighs and then pointed to where the genitalia would be and said that she couldn't see a penis, but that doesn't mean that there isn't one there. The angle of the baby was in such a way that we just couldn't see for sure because of the legs.

She did a bunch of measurements and determined that I was 20 weeks 4 days pregnant, and not 21.5 weeks pregnant like I originally thought. My doctor had given me the due date of October 8th, but the tech said my due date was more likely to be October 13th based on the size of my baby.

She calculated the baby's heart beats per minute and it was 161 beats per minute. I was told this was normal.

The baby's heart rate is not an indication of gender, just an old wives tale. "A study in the mid-1990s, using over 10,000 measurements, dispelled the theory that the speed of a baby's heartbeat predicted whether it would be a boy or a girl." However, if the myth were true, it would be sign that I was having a girl.

I'm not sure if I get to have any more ultrasounds. It would really be nice to have one more in the third trimester and see if we can't get a better look at those sex organs! All in all, I'm just glad that everything's okay and we're all healthy!

Psychiatric Assessment

When I sold my car and went to MPI to cancel my insurance, I had to notify MPI that I had a mental illness. They sent me a letter in the mail saying that MPI is obligated by law to cancel or declass my driver's license should I fail to submit a report prepared by my doctor stating my medical history, diagnosis, symptoms, treatment, side effects of medication, length of stability, affect on daily activities, and my current status and fitness to operation Class 5 motor vehicles.

So, my family physician typed up a little note and then printed off my Psychiatric Assessment that was completed by the resident psychiatrist at Health Sciences. He openly admitted he didn't want to type up everything necessary and added, "see attached" to get himself out of some work. The report is several pages long and very personal. I actually don't feel comfortable submitting it to MPI. I'm going to see if I can get away with submitting only a certain page or something like that because it's more information than I think they need.

Reading the report for the first time was emotional. It was so strange to read what someone else had written about me and oddly fascinating. The thing that was probably most surprising and interesting to me was the Diagnosis Axes.

Axis I - Bipolar Disorder NOS
Axis II - Borderline and narcissistic traits
Axis III - Nil
Axis IV - Financial stressors and Estrangement from father
Axis V - 60

I didn't know what the axes meant, so I looked it up and found this:
Axis I is reserved for clinical disorders and developmental and learning disorders.
Axis II is for personality disorders or mental retardation.
Axis III is for medical and/or physical conditions or disorders.
Axis IV indicates factors contributing to, or affecting, the current psychiatric disorder and treatment outcomes.
Axis V is for the global assessment functioning. This is a 100-point scale that the mental health professional uses to describe the patient’s overall level of performance in usual daily activities and social, occupational, academic and interpersonal functioning.

Here's a paragraph regarding the formulation of my mental illness:

Chelsea is a young woman with features of a mood disorder as well as personality pathology. Many of her character traits including fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, self-injurious behaviour and attempting to gain validation through sexual contact are of the borderline spectrum. These characteristics were likely shaped by the absence and ultimate rejection of her and her family by her father. Her invalidating school experience and romantic relationships also exacerbated her fractured sense of self. The fact she has been able to limit progression of her borderline tendencies somewhat may be evidence of the mitigating effect of her mother's stable influence throughout her life. Contrary to many with a borderline organization, Chelsea has maintained some family and friend relationships as well as steady employment. This is a point in her favour and bodes well for further treatment.

Aside from these developmental and interpersonal issues, it is clear that Chelsea also has a biologically influenced mood disorder. The cyclical nature of her depressive periods and strong features of a hypomanic-like episode point to a diagnosis on the bipolar spectrum.

It was really fucked up to read that about myself, especially since nobody told me about my supposed personality disorder. I just thought I had bipolar. The whole report was my life story and even included things I said verbatim during the assessment in quotations. There's so much covered - my childhood, my high school career, college, family, friends, boyfriends, work... I couldn't read it all in one go because it was just too much to take in all at once. Plus, it was sort of like reliving the past and the report is chock-full of painful memories.

Now I have to submit this to MPI? You've got to be kidding me! Who's going to read this? I didn't even want Bob to read it and he's the father of my unborn child. I read him parts of it that I found note-worthy or interesting, but I strongly feel like MPI doesn't need to know any of it.

I suppose owning a copy of my psychiatric assessment is kind of cool, so at least I got that out of all this. I remember finding my maternal grandfather's medical report from when he had to get a full physical before joining the army. It was pages and pages long and documented everything covered in the physical, and even had information on his dental records. I thought it was really neat and especially loved the bit where it said the only thing wrong with Grandpa was he was slightly flat footed. I'm slightly flat footed as well, so I guess that's where I get it from.

Maybe my doctor's half-assed note he wrote will be enough to appease MPI, but if not, I guess I'll have to submit the whole assessment. It's not worth losing my license over it.

His Bad Habit

My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, has a few bad habits. What's funny is that we share similar bad habits. We both leave dirty dishes out, though somehow his dirty dishes annoy me more than my own, especially the coke bottles and coke cans. We both leave laundry out, however I usually pick mine up off the floor while he leaves his on the bathroom floor for days at a time and that's super annoying. Bathroom space is limited as it is, stepping over his dirty clothes is really irritating. Plus the cats nest on them.

However there is one bad habit he has in particular that I do not possess. He wipes toothpaste on the towels. My last boyfriend also use to do this. It drives me crazy. It drives me so mad, I could break something! I just don't understand how that happens. When you brush your teeth, rinse your fucking face off. How hard is it? There is in fact a huge mirror just above the sink where you can look at yourself to see if there is toothpaste on your face. This should be a non-issue.

I've mentioned several times to him that it bothers me. I have told him nicely. I have yelled at him. I have attempted to use humor to get my point across. I have nagged. I have even tried ignoring it and just throwing the towel in the hamper, but every time I see those white spots on my towels I am just filled with rage, especially when I go to dry my hands and I accidentally touch one of the dirty spots. I could kill him.

I hate this habit of his so much, I would say that if I had to choose between him quitting smoking and him quitting wiping toothpaste on the towels, I would choose him quitting wiping toothpaste on the towels because it is a thousand times more disgusting.

Other than threatening him and publicly humiliating him, my next plan of action is to relentlessly remind him of how disgusting this bad habit is by constantly giving him visual reminders. He's going to start finding dirty, toothpaste covered towels EVERYWHERE! The war is on. If he won't do it on his own accord, I will bully him into submission. (We have a healthy relationship, honest!)

I will not be defeated. He WILL change his ways.

How NOT to Use an Elevator Like a Dipshit

It's quite surprising how many people don't actually know how to use the elevator properly. It's a fairly simple concept, even displayed in such a way that you rarely need to know any language on Earth to use it, yet I am amazed at how many morons that live in my apartment building who still haven't learned how the elevator works.

Let's start slow. When you summon the elevator and it arrives at your floor, wait for the doors to open and allow the passengers inside the elevator to exist before you attempt to enter the elevator. The amount of people who try to barrel their way inside the elevator and then look either upset or surprised that there are people "in the way" trying to get out of the elevator is astonishing. How could you not anticipate other people may have to use the elevator at the same time as you?

Alright, so now you are in the elevator. When choosing the floor you would like to travel vertically to, press the appropriate button once. Just once will do. Pressing the button several times does not make the elevator get there faster. Also relevant to this paragraph - when pressing the Close Door (> <) button, you only need to press it once. Jamming on it does not make the doors close faster.

Oh, but wait! You've been asked to hold the elevator! Quickly, you press the Open Door (< >) button and continue to keep the elevator doors open for as long as possible. The person didn't get there quick enough and suddenly the elevator starts to beep and the doors begin to close. It's a long, continuous beep that everyone in their suites can hear and it is obnoxious to listen to.

There are times when it happens by mistake. However, when you are moving in or out of an apartment suite here at Creekside Terrace, you are able to book the elevator for 90 minutes. To book the elevator means that you have exclusive control over the elevator. There is zero reason to hold the elevator doors open for so long that you induce that horrid beeping noise. Plus, when you do that, you are actually locking the elevator and forcing it to go to a new floor in order to get the doors to open again. You waste time because perhaps the elevator wasn't carrying a full load.

Here's how you move while using the elevator to your advantage: First, you pile the elevator full of your crap you want to move. If the doors want to close, that's fine, just let them close. You can always press the Door Open (< >) button afterward. Just because the elevator doors close doesn't mean it's going to spontaneously start an adventure without human aid. If you don't select a floor to go to, the elevator won't go anywhere.

Use this technique when unloading the elevator as well. Not only is it efficient, but you don't piss off your new neighbours who are trying to go about their morning in peace.

Are your minds sufficiently blown yet? There's more! Let's say you don't have the elevator booked and you do not have exclusive control over the elevator, but you don't want anyone to "steal" the elevator. Many people think holding the elevator door open for as long as possible is the only answer. False!

Here's what you do: Enter the elevator, but do not press any buttons. If the doors start to close, you can safely press the door open button once. Don't hold the button down. If the doors start to close again, let them, however, once they are closed, hit the Door Open (< >) button once quickly. Even if someone has summoned the elevator from a different floor, you have control over the elevator because you are inside of it.

If whoever you're waiting for still hasn't shown up yet, just let the elevator go. Contrary to popular belief, missing the elevator is absolutely nothing at all like missing a bus or missing a flight. The next one will be around in less time than it takes to cook an egg. It's not the end of the world.

I Don't Want to Face The Day...

... Or the next day. Or the day after that. I feel completely overwhelmed and desperate and I know what I have to do to help myself, but I just can't seem to get started. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For all I know, I could be in this tunnel for the rest of my life because I'm not even trying to get through it. I've sat down in the middle of it and I don't want to go on anymore. It's too hard.

There's so many things I wish I would have done differently, and for the first time in my life I'm having some serious regrets about the choices I've made so far. I feel trapped by my own doings, like I've set myself up to fail, and instead of correcting the situation, I'm relying on everyone else to help me fix my mess of a life and I'm forever guilty. I want out. Out of this mess, out of this life. People always tell me how strong they think I am, but they are mistaken because I am actually a weakling, pathetic even.

It's hard to know where to start when there are so many things you need to start doing or stop doing. It's hard to formulate a plan. It's hard to ask for help. It's hard to tell people I'm hurting so badly and I just want Pain to cease to exist for even 10 minutes so I can think clearly for once and maybe even see a glimmer of hope, a single ray of sunshine, letting me know I'm going the right way and I'm going to get through this in one piece.

It's not as easy as being steadfast, plodding through the darkness until I reach the end. Not all tunnels lead you out. I'm in an underground mine, with an entire series of tunnels and every flashlight found has dead batteries. I could be going in a circle. I could be going toward a dead end. As drained as I am, the only thing left keeping me going is knowing that people trapped in mines always hear help coming before they see it. Perhaps I don't need my eyes after all.

Allowance and Chores

I've been thinking about what I want to do about allowance and chores for Baby. I never received an allowance growing up. Anything school related, Mom paid for. We went shopping for new clothes at least once a year to replace articles I grew out of, but I also received clothes as gifts during birthdays and Christmas. I lived in a small town, so even if I had an allowance, I had nowhere to spend it other than to buy junk food at the Drive-In or convenience store.

When I turned 12, I did have a lucrative babysitting career for about 4 years and made quite a bit of money, which I'm sure I spent it all on clothes and didn't save a dime.

I never actually had set chores growing up either. In the summer I would cut the grass, and in the fall I would help stack firewood for winter. I was taught how to clean, like how to dust, vacuum, sweep, wash mirrors, ect, but the one chore my sister and I sort of shared was washing the dishes. This was my most hated chore and I despise it to this day. I would rather break a dish and replace it than wash it.

So, thinking about my own child, living in the city means there will be more opportunities to go shopping and spend money. I would like to teach my child how to save money and how to earn money. The internet suggests a dollar per age per week. I think that's too much for educational purposes. By that math, my 5 year old will be earning $20 a month. If I make him save 10% like suggested, he'll still have way too much disposable income for a 5 year old.

Because this allowance will not be linked to chores and is just at teaching tool, I've decided to give a dollar per age a month with the rule that 20% must be saved. So, my five year old saves a dollar and has $4 to spend on whatever for the month. More than enough candy can be bought for $4! Incomplete chores will result in a loss of a privilege instead of a loss of allowance money.

However, by the time my child turns 8, it's possible there are certain games or toys that he'll want to buy. After saving 20%, the remaining $6.40 doesn't go very far. That's why I'd like to introduce chores that can be done for money. These would be special chores done on top of the regular, unpaid chores; things like dusting the whole house, or washing all the windows.

I like this idea because it teaches a child that some things are worth working for and when you put in good effort, you will be rewarded. In a world of instant gratification, it also teaches that some things are worth waiting for. When my 8 year old has to save up 3 months worth of allowance, plus do extra chores for money, just to buy that one special game, it will be so rewarding in the end!

When my child turns 12, I've decided a raise will be in order: $2 per age a month. A 12 year old starts to have a social life and after saving the 20%, there will be $19.20 left over to spend. Is that even going to be enough to see one movie at the theater? By the time my kid turns 12, probably not. On top of the extra chores that can be done for money, I expect my 12 year old to start looking outside the home for job opportunities. Things like babysitting, dog walking, or a paper route are all appropriate. So many life skills can be learned, I won't even list them all!

At 15 years old, my child will collect allowance for the final year. After saving 20%, a pitiful $24 will be available to spend a month. You can't even buy a new pair of jeans at the mall for that amount of money! This allowance system is set up sort of like welfare. It provides the absolute bare minimum needed for my child to go out and have fun once a month and leaves no room for extras. Extra spending money has to be earned by working and by saving up. If I gave my teen $15 a week, like the internet suggested, that's $60 a month and there's no incentive to earn any extra money. Plus, Bob and I don't want to break the bank on allowance money.

When my child turns 16, the allowance stops. Whether my kid has a drivers' license or not, he can go and get a part time job somewhere. The 20% rule won't be enforced anymore, but hopefully it will be ingrained after so many years of doing it. The other great thing about turning 16 is that all that money saved over the years will total to $393.60 not including gift money or other earned money that was saved. It might even be well over $500 for all I know!

The money can be spent in a number of ways: As a down payment on a car, for a special trip, or it can be reinvested so that the nest egg grows even larger. Our Baby saved that money diligently for 10 years and I think something really special should be done with it, but it will ultimately be my teen's choice. At 16, our kid should have an excellent grasp on the basics of money and I trust it won't be spent foolishly. The money doesn't have to be spent on university either since Bob and I plan on setting up an RESP as soon as Baby's born.

Hopefully in the end we will have raised a child who possesses a wonderful work ethic, can handle finances properly, and will truly appreciate all the great things that can be done with money when you plan ahead. I've been struggling with money matters for so many years, I definitely had to learn budgeting the hard way, but hopefully my kid won't incur as much debt as quickly as I have in my life and won't have to rely on others for financial support.

Rocky Start To My Makeover

For my birthday I wanted new clothes. It's been forever since I've gone shopping for myself and bought clothes for myself. I received two lovely shirts from Bob's parents and then I received money from other family members to go out and buy some stuff I like.

Here's the problem: I went out today all ready to spend some money, but when I started trying on clothes, I realized that my body has changed so much I don't even know what size I am anymore! I've worn Medium sized clothes for so many years, but my body doesn't look like that anymore. My shape is entirely different now, not in a bad way, just different from what I'm used to shopping for.

It was so laborious trying to find a shirt or dress that I liked, that would look nice on me, and that I could fit into. It wasn't as simple as trying something on in a Large either. Out of habit, I grabbed a lot of clothes that would have fit my pre-pregnant body, just in a size up, but it didn't work. It would cut in the wrong place, or I thought I looked like a cow, and sometimes even in a Large it was too small, (depending on the store I was in.)

Trying on bras was a nightmare! I measured myself a few days ago and determined my new bra size and sister-bra sizes. I must have tried on 20 bras, all different sizes and styles and brands. It was exhausting! Six garment limit is not enough!

However I am the proud new owner of a 36C bra! (I used to be a 36B.) I hope my tits stay this big forever!

Even though today was a bust for me at the mall, I did come home with a new pair of leggings, a new bra, and 2 new camisoles. It's not exactly the makeover I was hoping for, but there's still a lot of money left to spend and I still need to get my hair done!