Sometimes I feel like I made a mistake not going to university. College was incredible and I loved it! I loved my course and my new friends! Somehow, I'm no further along in life though. I work two casual jobs. Every month's a struggle. Had I gone to university right away, perhaps I'd be starting a new career right about now.
To go back to school would mean I would be broke for the next four to five years. Life would be put on hold until I'm almost 30! I wouldn't buy my first house until I was probably closer to 40! Now try to fit marriage and child rearing in that schedule and it's impossible!
Everyone around me appears to be pulling ahead. My friend is married and just starting her career. My other friend has a solid career and just bought a house. My other friend just had a baby. Other friends are either already married with a baby, or have a career and a baby. I want that so bad my body physically yearns for all four; career, house, marriage, baby. I feel like I can never have all four. I feel like if I have one I jeopardize my chances of having the other three since everything takes time and money.
It's almost frustrating and a little depressing. I spend a considerable amount of time thinking about shit like this. What do I want more? I toss and turn, weighing the pros and cons of every scenario. It's exhausting! Still, I'm no further along. I can't make up my mind. I can't make a decision. I can't move forward with my life.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Child Abuse
Child abuse is obviously something that's frowned upon in most societies around the world. There are so many ways that an adult can abuse a child, but is an obese child suffering from abuse? It's such a grey area and I'm having a hard time trying to make up my mind about it.
This morning as I parked my car and headed into work, I saw the cutest little girl walking with her mom. When I say little, I think I actually mean young. She looked about 4 or 5 years old and was shaped like a beach ball. It made me sad. How did this sweet looking girl get so fat so young? When I looked over at her mom I found my answer. Her mother was shaped like an elephant!
Somewhere along the way our society has forgotten how to take care of ourselves. Do I eat three square meals a day? Absolutely not! Do I do a variety of exercises on a regular basis? Honestly, not really. I have a healthy BMI though and I'm a damn good cook when I wanna be! As much as I struggle with preparing healthy meals and working out properly, I know there's many more people out there who don't know how to cook and don't know how to exerice and were probably never taught how to do either in their life.
Everything starts at home. A fat five year old doesn't stand a chance. Feeding your kid junk and not promoting exercise in the home is setting the child up for failure, but is it child abuse? There are a lot of variables in this situation, but I think that if a child is born healthy with no medical problems and rapidly gains weight to the point of morbid obesity due to poor diet and exercise, then yes, that is child abuse! Mom's and Dad's are in control of the grocery shopping and the meal preperation.
The job of the parents is to teach their children everything they'll need to know to be successful and healthy adults. Schools and teachers and coaches help out a great deal with this, but ultimately, it's the responsibility of the parents to make sure their kids are well informed about the practicalities of life by going above and beyond what isn't taught in full at school.
Life is never that easy though. When you have a child that is being abused sexually or physically, it's almost always in the best interest of the child to remove the child from the home to be placed in foster care or with relatives. Removing a morbidly obese child from the home would do way more damage than good though.
A better solution would be for the child to stay with the parents, but for mom and dad to complete some sort of mandatory course that teaches them all about proper diet and exercise. If they fail to do that, perhaps a hefty fine can be given to encourage completion. I'm not sure how such a program could be implemented properly so it would be the most effictive. Like I said, there's way to many variables. Taking custody away from the parents though is really a tough call and I don't fully agree with it. If it has to happen though, it should be done as an absolute last resort only!
For further reading on real custody cases involving morbidly obese children -
The Thin Line Between Poor Nutrition and Child Abuse
Should Parents of Obese Kids Lose Custody
This morning as I parked my car and headed into work, I saw the cutest little girl walking with her mom. When I say little, I think I actually mean young. She looked about 4 or 5 years old and was shaped like a beach ball. It made me sad. How did this sweet looking girl get so fat so young? When I looked over at her mom I found my answer. Her mother was shaped like an elephant!
Somewhere along the way our society has forgotten how to take care of ourselves. Do I eat three square meals a day? Absolutely not! Do I do a variety of exercises on a regular basis? Honestly, not really. I have a healthy BMI though and I'm a damn good cook when I wanna be! As much as I struggle with preparing healthy meals and working out properly, I know there's many more people out there who don't know how to cook and don't know how to exerice and were probably never taught how to do either in their life.
Everything starts at home. A fat five year old doesn't stand a chance. Feeding your kid junk and not promoting exercise in the home is setting the child up for failure, but is it child abuse? There are a lot of variables in this situation, but I think that if a child is born healthy with no medical problems and rapidly gains weight to the point of morbid obesity due to poor diet and exercise, then yes, that is child abuse! Mom's and Dad's are in control of the grocery shopping and the meal preperation.
The job of the parents is to teach their children everything they'll need to know to be successful and healthy adults. Schools and teachers and coaches help out a great deal with this, but ultimately, it's the responsibility of the parents to make sure their kids are well informed about the practicalities of life by going above and beyond what isn't taught in full at school.
Life is never that easy though. When you have a child that is being abused sexually or physically, it's almost always in the best interest of the child to remove the child from the home to be placed in foster care or with relatives. Removing a morbidly obese child from the home would do way more damage than good though.
A better solution would be for the child to stay with the parents, but for mom and dad to complete some sort of mandatory course that teaches them all about proper diet and exercise. If they fail to do that, perhaps a hefty fine can be given to encourage completion. I'm not sure how such a program could be implemented properly so it would be the most effictive. Like I said, there's way to many variables. Taking custody away from the parents though is really a tough call and I don't fully agree with it. If it has to happen though, it should be done as an absolute last resort only!
For further reading on real custody cases involving morbidly obese children -
The Thin Line Between Poor Nutrition and Child Abuse
Should Parents of Obese Kids Lose Custody
Friday, May 20, 2011
Lithium
Today was my second appointment with my psychiatrist. He prescribed me Lithium. I'm taking 300mg twice daily. I was diagnosed on paper as having Bipolar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified). It's a catchall category diagnosed when the disorder doesn't fall within a specific subtype, ie: Bipolar I or Bipolar II.
Obviously I'm afraid of the side effects. The big ones include increased thirst, which then causes increased urination, tremors, nausea, and weight gain due to increased appetite. Of course it doesn't stop there; there's a lengthy list of possible other side effects, some of them quite alarming. For example: involuntary urination or bowel movements, blackout spells, coma, and my favourite, sexual dysfunction.
To minimize the risk of harmful side effects, I need to eat a balanced diet that includes some salt and as much liquid as possible. This really important, especially if I've been sweating heavily or have had diarrhea. Loss of water and salt from the body can lead to lithium poisoning apparently. I should also avoid drinking large amounts of coffee, tea, or cola because it can cause dehydration through increased urination. I don't drink those, so that's fine.
What's not fine though is that indicators of lithium poisoning - which include unsteady walking, diarrhea, vomiting, drowsiness, tremor, and weakness - are the same symptoms that can occur when you don't have lithium poisoning. How the hell will I know the difference? Overdosing causes serious damage to your brain and kidneys and liver too.
Ugh, I hate taking drugs. I feel sick about it! I definitely need to try it out, at least for a year. I don't have to take this for the rest of my life if I don't want to, but if all goes well with my blood tests, this can be a long term treatment option.
For the rest of my time with the doctor, we just did some talk therapy. The therapy is probably more beneficial now than the drugs since it's summer and I have most of my "episodes" in the colder months. We talked about my self-esteem, how it's significantly lower now than it was in high school. We talked about old boyfriends. I honestly hadn't realized how much I'd been suppressing until the doctor made me talk about it. There's so much shit I haven't thought about in years, but why would I have? Nobody likes recounting the bad memories, just the good. I cried in front of him, but it wasn't weird.
I see him again on Thursday. I will also get my blood tested that day to make sure I'm not poisoning myself with lithium.
Somewhere along the way I really lost myself. I think the main thing is that I really need to trust in my abilities and forget the hurtful things that have been said to me in the past. My past is a part of me that I can't change, but I don't have to let it define me. I've been called dumb, slutty, ugly, and weird by people who don't like me, but also by people whom I call friends. It doesn't matter if it was said in anger, or meant as a joke. It still really hurts. It hurts a lot and I do take it to heart. Hopefully not anymore though.
Obviously I'm afraid of the side effects. The big ones include increased thirst, which then causes increased urination, tremors, nausea, and weight gain due to increased appetite. Of course it doesn't stop there; there's a lengthy list of possible other side effects, some of them quite alarming. For example: involuntary urination or bowel movements, blackout spells, coma, and my favourite, sexual dysfunction.
To minimize the risk of harmful side effects, I need to eat a balanced diet that includes some salt and as much liquid as possible. This really important, especially if I've been sweating heavily or have had diarrhea. Loss of water and salt from the body can lead to lithium poisoning apparently. I should also avoid drinking large amounts of coffee, tea, or cola because it can cause dehydration through increased urination. I don't drink those, so that's fine.
What's not fine though is that indicators of lithium poisoning - which include unsteady walking, diarrhea, vomiting, drowsiness, tremor, and weakness - are the same symptoms that can occur when you don't have lithium poisoning. How the hell will I know the difference? Overdosing causes serious damage to your brain and kidneys and liver too.
Ugh, I hate taking drugs. I feel sick about it! I definitely need to try it out, at least for a year. I don't have to take this for the rest of my life if I don't want to, but if all goes well with my blood tests, this can be a long term treatment option.
For the rest of my time with the doctor, we just did some talk therapy. The therapy is probably more beneficial now than the drugs since it's summer and I have most of my "episodes" in the colder months. We talked about my self-esteem, how it's significantly lower now than it was in high school. We talked about old boyfriends. I honestly hadn't realized how much I'd been suppressing until the doctor made me talk about it. There's so much shit I haven't thought about in years, but why would I have? Nobody likes recounting the bad memories, just the good. I cried in front of him, but it wasn't weird.
I see him again on Thursday. I will also get my blood tested that day to make sure I'm not poisoning myself with lithium.
Somewhere along the way I really lost myself. I think the main thing is that I really need to trust in my abilities and forget the hurtful things that have been said to me in the past. My past is a part of me that I can't change, but I don't have to let it define me. I've been called dumb, slutty, ugly, and weird by people who don't like me, but also by people whom I call friends. It doesn't matter if it was said in anger, or meant as a joke. It still really hurts. It hurts a lot and I do take it to heart. Hopefully not anymore though.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
True Crime
I got home from work at about 2 this morning. I went into my apartment and started dicking around on my computer and such. Suddenly I heard some loud banging in the suite above me. The walls are so thin in this building it's not unusual to hear the people above me or beside me, but then I thought I heard crying.
I stopped what I was doing and looked up at the ceiling and listened for more. I definitely heard a female crying and there was some more banging. I put my shoes and on and went upstairs so I could eavesdrop from the hallway.
When I opened the door from the staircase leading into the third floor apartment I froze. I didn't even go into the hallway, I just stood with the door open. I heard a man yelling loudly and clearly and I heard a woman crying and responding to the man in a quieter tone. They weren't speaking in English, so I don't know what the dispute was about. Then it sounded like the man lunged at her and chased her.
I say this because I could tell by the sound it made. When I used to chase my sister around the table back in Ste Anne, there would be a loud bang on the floor when I took the first leap towards her, followed by a couple of smaller bangs. I heard the woman shriek in response.
I didn't want to disturb them, but I did go back to my apartment and call the police. I was quite frightened listening to her crying and being yelled at by that man. I dialed the non-emergency number and the woman took note of what I told her and all of my details. She said police were already on there way.
I hung up and police were there in less than 5 minutes! It got really quiet upstairs and I waited by the window to watch for when the police left. They left shortly after and that was that. It stayed quiet upstairs.
Obviously it's good that it turned out to be nothing because if it had been something more serious and I hadn't called the police, I would feel very guilty for not doing so.
Oooh but if it had been a murder up there, how exciting!! I'm fucking sick, I know, but I love all my true crime books and true crime tv shows; being a part of a murder investigation would be the time of my life! I secretly hope to be a key witness in a murder case one day. That would really be amazing!
I stopped what I was doing and looked up at the ceiling and listened for more. I definitely heard a female crying and there was some more banging. I put my shoes and on and went upstairs so I could eavesdrop from the hallway.
When I opened the door from the staircase leading into the third floor apartment I froze. I didn't even go into the hallway, I just stood with the door open. I heard a man yelling loudly and clearly and I heard a woman crying and responding to the man in a quieter tone. They weren't speaking in English, so I don't know what the dispute was about. Then it sounded like the man lunged at her and chased her.
I say this because I could tell by the sound it made. When I used to chase my sister around the table back in Ste Anne, there would be a loud bang on the floor when I took the first leap towards her, followed by a couple of smaller bangs. I heard the woman shriek in response.
I didn't want to disturb them, but I did go back to my apartment and call the police. I was quite frightened listening to her crying and being yelled at by that man. I dialed the non-emergency number and the woman took note of what I told her and all of my details. She said police were already on there way.
I hung up and police were there in less than 5 minutes! It got really quiet upstairs and I waited by the window to watch for when the police left. They left shortly after and that was that. It stayed quiet upstairs.
Obviously it's good that it turned out to be nothing because if it had been something more serious and I hadn't called the police, I would feel very guilty for not doing so.
Oooh but if it had been a murder up there, how exciting!! I'm fucking sick, I know, but I love all my true crime books and true crime tv shows; being a part of a murder investigation would be the time of my life! I secretly hope to be a key witness in a murder case one day. That would really be amazing!
Underlying Mood Disorder
My session with the psychiatrist went fine this afternoon; however I felt sick to my stomach all morning just thinking about going. My boyfriend is the sweetest man and dropped me off and picked me up again. He also bought me dinner afterward.
We started at 3:15 and finished the "interview" portion at 4:20. He spoke with some colleagues who had been watching listening from behind a two-way mirror for about ten minutes and then came back in. I was told that I didn't quite make into the Bipolar category even though there were some similarities there, but I do have an underlying mood disorder.
Taking a mood stabilizer drug will be effective for me apparently. I look forward to trying it out. I meet with the psychiatrist again on next Friday for some cognitive therapy and to discuss which mood stabilizer to go on. I can continue to see the psychiatrist until his residency is finished in June. When that happens I can see the new person who comes in for 6 months. I don't know how much the drugs cost, but the talk therapy is free under Manitoba Health. I look forward that the most. The doctor is young, but I like him. More to come...
We started at 3:15 and finished the "interview" portion at 4:20. He spoke with some colleagues who had been watching listening from behind a two-way mirror for about ten minutes and then came back in. I was told that I didn't quite make into the Bipolar category even though there were some similarities there, but I do have an underlying mood disorder.
Taking a mood stabilizer drug will be effective for me apparently. I look forward to trying it out. I meet with the psychiatrist again on next Friday for some cognitive therapy and to discuss which mood stabilizer to go on. I can continue to see the psychiatrist until his residency is finished in June. When that happens I can see the new person who comes in for 6 months. I don't know how much the drugs cost, but the talk therapy is free under Manitoba Health. I look forward that the most. The doctor is young, but I like him. More to come...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Debt-Free Forever
Like many folks, I have debt. I managed to pay off my student loan 2 years after I graduated. I was quite pleased with myself because I was working regularly and could afford to make more than the monthly minimum payment each month. My credit card had a cap of $1000 and if I maxed it out I could have the whole thing paid off in two months. Ah, how times have changed!
I was living relatively debt free up until a year ago. Breaking up with my fiance proved to be very costly and I used up all my savings paying rent. When I finally subletted the apartment and moved into my mother's basement, my cat, Dale, swallowed some ribbon and needed surgery. That cost approximately $1500 so, deeper into debt I went.
I increased the limit on my credit card and also got a line of credit. I raised my overdraft limit. Plus in December I bought a car. At one point all my credit was maxed out and including the car purchase, I owed $22,750.00!!! On top of that, I owed interest and other various bank fees.
I was spending more than I made, plain and simple. The sad part though is that I wasn't using credit to purchase gifts for myself. I was using it to pay rent and bills. I didn't make enough money to cover my fixed expenses.
However, I'm not in as bad of shape as the people I've seen on TV. My consumer debt is actually quite low in the big picture. Reading through Gail's book, it's just like on TV. She tells you step by step how to figure out what you make, what you owe, what you're spending, and what it all costs in the long run. There's charts and examples and tips. Everyone can benefit from reading this book, even if you have no debt.
My car loan will be paid off in 2014 if I continue to make my regular payments. If I've done the math correctly, (and don't charge another penny to either account,) my credit card and line of credit can be paid off in less than 2 years. That's really not so bad.
My goal is to continue to climb out of debt, replenish my savings account, and have a plan for the future.
I bought a second Gail Vaz-Oxlade book called Never Too Late. It's about taking control of your retirement and your future. I will blog about that one later.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Victim of Vandalism
I've been a victim of vandalism recently. Today when I unlocked my car and got inside I noticed my Spongebob Squarepants heart shaped candy box was on the seat and empty. Then I noticed the broken glass. I look up and realize the tiny side window had been smashed and someone with freakishly long arms was able to open the door from the inside. It's keyless entry, so the person would have had to use the handle to open the door.
Anyway, all my burned CD's are gone. Those were good CD's and I'm annoyed at having to reburn them all.
My cupholder/ashtray unit thing was broken. I kept a single loony in there for shopping carts. That loony was stolen. Not sure why they insisted on breaking the unit apart. They could have just taken the damn dollar and left the unit intact.
I don't keep valuables in my car. There was nothing worth stealing in there, so I thought. Now I have to pay a $300 deductible because someone felt the need to steal a dollar in cash and probably two dollars worth of CD's which aren't even rewritable and have permanent marker on them. Maybe I just have great taste in music.
I literally wrote a blog earlier today about how I have problem dwelling. You can bet your ass I'm going to dwell on this for the rest of the day and probably the rest of the week too. Why me? It wasn't just me actually; two others got their car broken into as well. I wonder what was stolen from their vehicles.
People are so dumb! I'm trying to create a profile of the individual(s) who did this to make myself feel better.
Maybe it was an addict desperate for money. It could have been a thief looking for some new inventory. Maybe someone pinned their hopes on my car hoping they'd really score and was disappointed by the find and thought, well, I broke in, I may as well take something to make it seem worth it! Oh, look! A dollar!
Asshole. Petty crimes aren't worth the time it would take to solve them. Perhaps in a decade or two the thug will think back on his or her disrespectful ways and feel remorse for inconveniencing others. That's highly unlikely, but I can dream. Either way, the bad karma this individual has acquired satisfies me and I hope the other victims can find peace in that as well.
Anyway, all my burned CD's are gone. Those were good CD's and I'm annoyed at having to reburn them all.
My cupholder/ashtray unit thing was broken. I kept a single loony in there for shopping carts. That loony was stolen. Not sure why they insisted on breaking the unit apart. They could have just taken the damn dollar and left the unit intact.
I don't keep valuables in my car. There was nothing worth stealing in there, so I thought. Now I have to pay a $300 deductible because someone felt the need to steal a dollar in cash and probably two dollars worth of CD's which aren't even rewritable and have permanent marker on them. Maybe I just have great taste in music.
I literally wrote a blog earlier today about how I have problem dwelling. You can bet your ass I'm going to dwell on this for the rest of the day and probably the rest of the week too. Why me? It wasn't just me actually; two others got their car broken into as well. I wonder what was stolen from their vehicles.
People are so dumb! I'm trying to create a profile of the individual(s) who did this to make myself feel better.
Maybe it was an addict desperate for money. It could have been a thief looking for some new inventory. Maybe someone pinned their hopes on my car hoping they'd really score and was disappointed by the find and thought, well, I broke in, I may as well take something to make it seem worth it! Oh, look! A dollar!
Asshole. Petty crimes aren't worth the time it would take to solve them. Perhaps in a decade or two the thug will think back on his or her disrespectful ways and feel remorse for inconveniencing others. That's highly unlikely, but I can dream. Either way, the bad karma this individual has acquired satisfies me and I hope the other victims can find peace in that as well.
Dwelling
No, no, not the hovel type, I mean the lingering, obsessive type.
I dwell. It's a terrible habit and also useless. I've been doing it since I was a child. Part of the reason why I started keeping a diary in 6th grade was so that I could write everything down and never forget what happened. That way I could go back and read it and be reminded of the situation as many times as I wished. This applied to good and bad events in my life.
I thought dwelling might be worse than worrying, but after comparing dictionary references, the definition of "worry" is as follows to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
That sounds really awful!
I'm not a worry-wort though, so it's okay.
The problem with dwelling on too many things too often is that it can become like a worry and you do torment yourself. I dwell so often I actually have to stop myself in my head and say to myself in my head, CHELSEA wtf you are dwelling again. GET OVER IT!
My success rate is low with this technique.
I went online today to try to find some better ways to cope and found this:
You're dwelling, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, PhD, a professor of psychology at Yale and author of Women Who Think Too Much. "It's natural to look inward," she says, "but while most people pull out when they've done it enough, an overthinker will stay in the loop."
The article also said, "Ruminating regularly often leads to depression." Well, fancy that.
They offered 6 suggestions :
- Distract yourself for at least 10 minutes. That's the minimum time needed to break a cycle of thoughts.
- Allot yourself a time slot to dwell later. Until then, absolutely no obsessing!
- Meditate or do breathing exercises
- Go through the worst case scenario, and then the best case scenario. Leave it at that.
- Call a friend
- Say, "Oh, well." Be compassionate and accept all humans make mistakes.
Something I've noticed is that it doesn't matter what's the malady, meditating or doing breathing exercises is always suggested as a way to overcome the situation. There are only so many ways to breath. I personally prefer inner chants and mantras. Practicing breathing makes me feel like a complete idiot, while a chant is more like a rhythm and will have an effect on your breathing without you consciously thinking about your breathing.
Psychiatric Testing
My psychiatric evaluation is less than a week away. I'm quite nervous. I'm a lot nervous, actually!
Sometimes I take self-tests online to see what my responses are. I've taken them while in varying states to see if my answers change, but it always comes back positive that I have some form of bipolar disorder. I've been trying to document my feelings, but it's difficult and I can't really remember at the end of the day.
I'll have hypomanic-like symptoms which include feeling frustrated and irritable, insatiable sex drive, restlessness, and feeling too awake to sleep, but not energetic enough to accomplish real work. I'll spend 6 hours playing computer games and realize, oh hey, it's 3 am, I should sleep! But I can't sleep. I'm so tired, but it takes a while to pass out.
However, my "hypomania" is different when my friends are involved. I talk more, feel more witty, more sexy, and like the life of the party. People laugh at my jokes and stories and I really do feel on top of the world, like everything is perfect. I sing loudly in my car, listening to the same song on repeat.
Add alcohol to the mix and it's all heightened.
An extension of the hypomania is my increased spending habits, or wanting to spend. Buying a bag of chips from the vending machine is a high for me. I just love spending money. When I'm feeling high, I want to eat out, I want to buy clothes, I want to drink wine. I feel good spending money. I buy shit I don't need and don't have money for.
Otherwise I feel normal. I'm trying to find a pattern, like how long these feelings last. I still can't figure it out. It all feels the same and I get a headache when I try to figure it out. Other times, it seems to change so quickly, I don't have time to process it, or time to realize what's happened.
I've experienced "mixed states" too many times to count. That's when you feel conflicting emotions at the same time. I've experienced "rapid cycling" (cycling from one mood to the next in a very short period of time) for three or four days, back when I was on Welbutrin, but that seemed to be a one time thing and haven't felt anything similar since.
I have multiple examples of when I feel I'm in a mixed state, but the only one I can put into words is this:
I'm having the most incredible sex of my life and everything is intense and my body is weightless, yet I feel heavy and tired and powerful and energetic. I'm going to orgasm and I feel he's ready to orgasm too; we do, and it's too much emotion and I cry really hard, like choking on my tears hard. I feel sort of dirty, sort of used. I want to cry and be alone, but I also want to cuddle and feel his love and maybe even have sex again because I feel so in love. It's like an empty, but full feeling.
It's the weirdest thing and I've freaked out many partners with this type of episode. I just tell them it's an extra release and it means the sex was amazing (which is true.)
Sometimes I take self-tests online to see what my responses are. I've taken them while in varying states to see if my answers change, but it always comes back positive that I have some form of bipolar disorder. I've been trying to document my feelings, but it's difficult and I can't really remember at the end of the day.
I'll have hypomanic-like symptoms which include feeling frustrated and irritable, insatiable sex drive, restlessness, and feeling too awake to sleep, but not energetic enough to accomplish real work. I'll spend 6 hours playing computer games and realize, oh hey, it's 3 am, I should sleep! But I can't sleep. I'm so tired, but it takes a while to pass out.
However, my "hypomania" is different when my friends are involved. I talk more, feel more witty, more sexy, and like the life of the party. People laugh at my jokes and stories and I really do feel on top of the world, like everything is perfect. I sing loudly in my car, listening to the same song on repeat.
Add alcohol to the mix and it's all heightened.
An extension of the hypomania is my increased spending habits, or wanting to spend. Buying a bag of chips from the vending machine is a high for me. I just love spending money. When I'm feeling high, I want to eat out, I want to buy clothes, I want to drink wine. I feel good spending money. I buy shit I don't need and don't have money for.
Otherwise I feel normal. I'm trying to find a pattern, like how long these feelings last. I still can't figure it out. It all feels the same and I get a headache when I try to figure it out. Other times, it seems to change so quickly, I don't have time to process it, or time to realize what's happened.
I've experienced "mixed states" too many times to count. That's when you feel conflicting emotions at the same time. I've experienced "rapid cycling" (cycling from one mood to the next in a very short period of time) for three or four days, back when I was on Welbutrin, but that seemed to be a one time thing and haven't felt anything similar since.
I have multiple examples of when I feel I'm in a mixed state, but the only one I can put into words is this:
I'm having the most incredible sex of my life and everything is intense and my body is weightless, yet I feel heavy and tired and powerful and energetic. I'm going to orgasm and I feel he's ready to orgasm too; we do, and it's too much emotion and I cry really hard, like choking on my tears hard. I feel sort of dirty, sort of used. I want to cry and be alone, but I also want to cuddle and feel his love and maybe even have sex again because I feel so in love. It's like an empty, but full feeling.
It's the weirdest thing and I've freaked out many partners with this type of episode. I just tell them it's an extra release and it means the sex was amazing (which is true.)
Sometimes people cry after sex because they expect rejection and distance. The fact that he is showing you genuine feelings, you may see yourself as unworthy of such openness. Ironically, many women who feel that way actually become rejecters themselves, unconsciously sabotaging their relationships so they won't have to experience abandonment.I get such strong emotional connections to people who don't feel the same way as I do, or else I form quick attachments. I just cry a lot in general though. Also, it's frowned upon to tell people you think your soul is being entwined with theirs and you wish your spirits could form a union and be one.
