I feel super run down. I feel sick to my stomach, nose running, sneezing, can't eat, can't sleep, can't seem to get out of this bad mood.
I haven't lost any weight due to not eating, but its obvious to me that I'm not eating enough of the "right" foods because my energy is zapped and I feel like a bag of shit that's been beaten with 1000 sticks.
The main problem seems to be that I get hungry, I try to eat something, but nothing looks, sounds, smells, or tastes good. Then I feel sick because either I haven't eaten anything, or because I forced myself to eat something I never wanted to eat to begin with. The smell of Bob's food is absolutely disgusting.
The other problem is that sometimes I don't actually get hungry. I go from being not hungry to being sick to my stomach right around the time I should be getting hungry for a meal. It's impossible to eat!
The internet forums all say that it's normal and my baby's fine. If needed, the baby will draw calcium from my bones or whatever it needs from where ever my body has stored it. The downside to that is the mama-to-be feels super run down and needs to restore some balance to her body.
The only advice out there is to take my pre-natal vitamins every day and just follow my cravings. Don't worry about choosing a healthy alternative or forcing myself to eat 12 servings of vegetables. If I crave ice cream, just eat it, and maybe it will stimulate me to eat something else.
If you slave over the stove making a wonderful, nutrient rich meal, and you're just not into it, you'll leave the table hungry and unsatisfied and irritable. Just eat what you can and by the 2nd trimester you usually get your appetite back. God, I hope so! One more month of this!
In the mean time, all I can stomach is yogurt and berries, chocolate milk, Easy Mac, peanut butter on crackers or apples, and plain pasta with cheese melted on it. Meat is disgusting to me and apparently so are vegetables because I never feel like eating them or preparing them. Eggs are also grossing me out.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Job Hunting
I started the daunting task of job hunting yesterday. I feel well enough to go to work 1 or 2 days a week. I physically and mentally cannot work any more than 24 hours a week. 16 would be perfect!
So far I've applied for several jobs, including at the library, a flower shop, some nanny gigs, and Kindermusik as a receptionist. I'm looking for a job where the employer is pregnant-friendly and will be able to accommodate my maternity leave plans.
I've been reading up on how and when to tell your boss or interviewer that you're pregnant. So far the general consensus is that if your are offered a position, you should tell your boss upon accepting the position because legally they cannot retract their offer on the basis that you are pregnant. If you tell them before you're offered a position, you put the company in an awkward spot.
Some days it seems easier to not work at all, like I don't know if I'm able to function normally with the added stress of work. I find it difficult to just drive downtown to pick Bob up from work. Then again, having some extra money coming in would be nice and it might help keep me from getting cabin fever.
So far I've applied for several jobs, including at the library, a flower shop, some nanny gigs, and Kindermusik as a receptionist. I'm looking for a job where the employer is pregnant-friendly and will be able to accommodate my maternity leave plans.
I've been reading up on how and when to tell your boss or interviewer that you're pregnant. So far the general consensus is that if your are offered a position, you should tell your boss upon accepting the position because legally they cannot retract their offer on the basis that you are pregnant. If you tell them before you're offered a position, you put the company in an awkward spot.
Some days it seems easier to not work at all, like I don't know if I'm able to function normally with the added stress of work. I find it difficult to just drive downtown to pick Bob up from work. Then again, having some extra money coming in would be nice and it might help keep me from getting cabin fever.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Consultation Day Slash "Be Prepared"
Today was my consultation with the surgeon at Pan Am Clinic. He said that my x-ray showed my collar bone is still broken, but he doesn't recommend surgery because A) In two more months my collar bone will heal itself and B) I'm pregnant.
We did some movement tests and I only feel pain when moving my arm straight out in front of me and up. He suggested a physio exercise to do at home and wrote me a little note to go get physio somewhere. I'll probably just do it at home because I don't have the money to pay someone.
In 4-5 months, if I have chronic pain, then that is when I'm eligible to have surgery, but not until after my baby is born. He'll have to break it, set it, and it will fix the bump I have, but then I'll be out of commission for a long time. There's no guarantees it will fix the pain either.
I'm pretty much screwed for the rest of my life.
Pregnancy is going fine. Burping 7 times more than normal. Sometimes my lower back gets a little sore, sometimes I feel like sleeping all day, but my energy is pretty normal. I haven't truly thrown up yet. A few times that bile shit came up my esophagus and I swallowed it because it feels like a burp, and then my throat is burning, and nothing really projectiles out or fills up my mouth in any way. Gross, right?
I feel nauseated often. Like, you know when your mouth waters just before you throw up? I have that every single day. I feel menstrual type cramps and my stomach feels tight if I stretch out too much, like I've been doing sit ups for hours. It actually feels like the flu sometimes.
I also feel really bitchy and whiny and clingy. Bob puts up with a lot of wingeing. I have an intense fear that Bob may leave me one day. He assures me he has no plan of leaving now, or in the future. I was talking about it with my friend who gave birth last year and she said she felt the same way about her partner when she was pregnant. Perhaps it's because we're not married and this baby is such a huge commitment, plus I haven't had a job since November and I depend on Bob to take care of pretty well everything!
That's obviously a lot of stress on Bob. I bought him a book called, Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook For New Dads.
It's easy to read, lots of 50's style drawings, and is humorous. I thought that maybe it would excite him and get him more involved, while at the same, teach him all the basic skills he'll need for when the baby arrives, thus empowering him and eliminating some of his fears about how he "knows nothing about babies."
The book is divided up between baby's first week, 0-3 months, 4-6 months, 7-9 months, and 10-12 months. It gives really great information about how to solve the most common problems he will be faced with as a new dad, such as how to change a diaper, how to burp a baby, ways to soothe a crying baby, how to bathe the baby, and different ways to hold a baby, plus so much more! It even talks about ways to deal with ME and how to resume our sex life properly.
This is the perfect book for Bob since he has so much on his plate already. He doesn't have to read it cover to cover before the baby is born because it's more like a quick reference book. I told him to at least read up to the 4-6 months chapter before the baby is born which is literally 80 pages out of 230 page book. Easy. I read that in about an hour and a half before I wrapped it up and gave it to him.
I even learned a few things I didn't know, and I've been reading like mad since becoming pregnant. I would definitely recommend this book to every new dad, especially the freaked out, never has touched an infant in his life, new dad.
We did some movement tests and I only feel pain when moving my arm straight out in front of me and up. He suggested a physio exercise to do at home and wrote me a little note to go get physio somewhere. I'll probably just do it at home because I don't have the money to pay someone.
In 4-5 months, if I have chronic pain, then that is when I'm eligible to have surgery, but not until after my baby is born. He'll have to break it, set it, and it will fix the bump I have, but then I'll be out of commission for a long time. There's no guarantees it will fix the pain either.
I'm pretty much screwed for the rest of my life.
Pregnancy is going fine. Burping 7 times more than normal. Sometimes my lower back gets a little sore, sometimes I feel like sleeping all day, but my energy is pretty normal. I haven't truly thrown up yet. A few times that bile shit came up my esophagus and I swallowed it because it feels like a burp, and then my throat is burning, and nothing really projectiles out or fills up my mouth in any way. Gross, right?
I feel nauseated often. Like, you know when your mouth waters just before you throw up? I have that every single day. I feel menstrual type cramps and my stomach feels tight if I stretch out too much, like I've been doing sit ups for hours. It actually feels like the flu sometimes.
I also feel really bitchy and whiny and clingy. Bob puts up with a lot of wingeing. I have an intense fear that Bob may leave me one day. He assures me he has no plan of leaving now, or in the future. I was talking about it with my friend who gave birth last year and she said she felt the same way about her partner when she was pregnant. Perhaps it's because we're not married and this baby is such a huge commitment, plus I haven't had a job since November and I depend on Bob to take care of pretty well everything!
That's obviously a lot of stress on Bob. I bought him a book called, Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook For New Dads.
The book is divided up between baby's first week, 0-3 months, 4-6 months, 7-9 months, and 10-12 months. It gives really great information about how to solve the most common problems he will be faced with as a new dad, such as how to change a diaper, how to burp a baby, ways to soothe a crying baby, how to bathe the baby, and different ways to hold a baby, plus so much more! It even talks about ways to deal with ME and how to resume our sex life properly.
This is the perfect book for Bob since he has so much on his plate already. He doesn't have to read it cover to cover before the baby is born because it's more like a quick reference book. I told him to at least read up to the 4-6 months chapter before the baby is born which is literally 80 pages out of 230 page book. Easy. I read that in about an hour and a half before I wrapped it up and gave it to him.
I even learned a few things I didn't know, and I've been reading like mad since becoming pregnant. I would definitely recommend this book to every new dad, especially the freaked out, never has touched an infant in his life, new dad.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Bipolar Support Group
Wednesday I went to my first Bipolar Affective Disorder Support Group downtown. Much like any other support group, we sit in an oblong circle-like shape and one by one, briefly talk about how our week went, issues we're struggling with and our accomplishments. It was so nice to hear everybody talk about their illness and feel like I could relate to everyone in a different way. I saw myself in others and that was reassuring to know I really am not alone.
Feeling like I'm the "only one" has been a problem for me for years. I remember telling one of my $100 an hour therapists back in the day before I was diagnosed that I felt like I was searching for someone else who feels like I do, but I was so unique and different and that I didn't know if anyone else in the world existed in the same state that I did.
To walk into a room of 10 people, all like me, was a relief. Family and friends support you the best they can, but it's not the same. They don't know what it's like and they often have a hard time understanding. Even those who take the time to ask questions and figure it out still will never truly know. Empathy is nice, but sharing an experience separately and coming together later is better.
Since the meeting I've been reflecting a lot. There are different levels of Bipolar and mine is quite mild compared to others I met at the meeting. My hypo-mania is hardly noticeable and doesn't last long. It was only in retrospect after being diagnosed that I could pinpoint possible times of mania in my life. Now that I'm med-free, I'm wondering if I'll be able to tell when I'm entering a manic state. I can always tell when I'm entering a depressed state.
One woman at the group was also pregnant and jobless. Other woman who have had kids before said the pregnancy hormones balanced them out somewhat. I hope that's the case for me. The internet makes it sound like pregnancy and bipolar are a lethal combination that will be toxic for my life and the lives of others.
One woman's bipolar is so bad, she doesn't work anymore. She has a daycare worker come in and tend to her toddler because she can't get out of bed. She can hear her son crying downstairs and she doesn't care. Later she feels so guilty because she can't take care of him the way she wants to and she feels bad about not being a proper mother to him.
I hope I will never get to that point. Everyone thus far has told me Bob and I will be excellent, amazing, parents and healthy me most certainly will be! Stable me is going to be one of the best damn moms in the city, but what about those first 3 months of baby's life when I need to be willing and ready to take care of my baby's needs? If I'm med free, will I be able to handle the stress of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation? What if my baby cries and I find myself not caring? It's horrible to think about, but that really could happen to me, no matter how much I love my child.
The thought of being on Lithium and having to test my baby's blood for proper Lithium levels sickens me. I don't want that for my baby at all! Breastfeeding is important to me, but if I'm on medication, I'll have to formula feed for my own piece of mind.
I have many months to go. It will all be figured out in due time.
Feeling like I'm the "only one" has been a problem for me for years. I remember telling one of my $100 an hour therapists back in the day before I was diagnosed that I felt like I was searching for someone else who feels like I do, but I was so unique and different and that I didn't know if anyone else in the world existed in the same state that I did.
To walk into a room of 10 people, all like me, was a relief. Family and friends support you the best they can, but it's not the same. They don't know what it's like and they often have a hard time understanding. Even those who take the time to ask questions and figure it out still will never truly know. Empathy is nice, but sharing an experience separately and coming together later is better.
Since the meeting I've been reflecting a lot. There are different levels of Bipolar and mine is quite mild compared to others I met at the meeting. My hypo-mania is hardly noticeable and doesn't last long. It was only in retrospect after being diagnosed that I could pinpoint possible times of mania in my life. Now that I'm med-free, I'm wondering if I'll be able to tell when I'm entering a manic state. I can always tell when I'm entering a depressed state.
One woman at the group was also pregnant and jobless. Other woman who have had kids before said the pregnancy hormones balanced them out somewhat. I hope that's the case for me. The internet makes it sound like pregnancy and bipolar are a lethal combination that will be toxic for my life and the lives of others.
One woman's bipolar is so bad, she doesn't work anymore. She has a daycare worker come in and tend to her toddler because she can't get out of bed. She can hear her son crying downstairs and she doesn't care. Later she feels so guilty because she can't take care of him the way she wants to and she feels bad about not being a proper mother to him.
I hope I will never get to that point. Everyone thus far has told me Bob and I will be excellent, amazing, parents and healthy me most certainly will be! Stable me is going to be one of the best damn moms in the city, but what about those first 3 months of baby's life when I need to be willing and ready to take care of my baby's needs? If I'm med free, will I be able to handle the stress of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation? What if my baby cries and I find myself not caring? It's horrible to think about, but that really could happen to me, no matter how much I love my child.
The thought of being on Lithium and having to test my baby's blood for proper Lithium levels sickens me. I don't want that for my baby at all! Breastfeeding is important to me, but if I'm on medication, I'll have to formula feed for my own piece of mind.
I have many months to go. It will all be figured out in due time.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
One Week
My last intake of Lithium was a week ago, Tuesday. I already feel it.
So much stuff has built up fast and I need to get it out. It's risky to do so. Part of me doesn't want to tell anyone because it's humiliating and confusing. I don't like saying it out loud. I said it out loud to Bob last night and it was horrible. He said reassuring things, and things that made sense. He told the truth. I believe him.
Still, I couldn't sleep last night. Just a few hours. Went to bed well passed 1am and woke up at 5. I'm tormented.
The simple solution is go back on Lithium, isn't it? My goal is to wait until my second trimester to reduce the risk of harming my baby as much as I can. Can I wait that long? These things do not get easier with time. This is not a mind over matter situation.
I'm afraid of too many things, real and imaginary. Tonight I'm going to a mood disorder support group downtown. I suppose I do have courage after all, however, I still feel like the Cowardly Lion. He secretly had courage all along, but maybe a nice wizard will help me out anyway.
So much stuff has built up fast and I need to get it out. It's risky to do so. Part of me doesn't want to tell anyone because it's humiliating and confusing. I don't like saying it out loud. I said it out loud to Bob last night and it was horrible. He said reassuring things, and things that made sense. He told the truth. I believe him.
Still, I couldn't sleep last night. Just a few hours. Went to bed well passed 1am and woke up at 5. I'm tormented.
The simple solution is go back on Lithium, isn't it? My goal is to wait until my second trimester to reduce the risk of harming my baby as much as I can. Can I wait that long? These things do not get easier with time. This is not a mind over matter situation.
I'm afraid of too many things, real and imaginary. Tonight I'm going to a mood disorder support group downtown. I suppose I do have courage after all, however, I still feel like the Cowardly Lion. He secretly had courage all along, but maybe a nice wizard will help me out anyway.
Friday, February 3, 2012
How I Got Pregnant
I always knew 2012 was going to be an epic year, (Life Number post here) but I did not know what I would soon learn. So far, Bob and I are both going back to school, I am going to have surgery on my collar bone, and I am a part of 2 wedding parties this summer. Sounds like an epic 2012, even without counting the whole Mayan calendar world ending bit.
Mid January, I started to get sick. The 14th, I had a sick person spend the night at my home and on the 15th I had caught whatever it was. In fact, I'm still working on the same cold as we speak. I was sore, tired, I felt like shit, all the normal cold stuff. Then a week and a half later, my breasts felt like bricks. One friend commented on how my breasts looked larger. A few days before I was expecting my period, I was getting cramps.
Everything had an explanation. I didn't suspect anything until I actually missed my period. I keep track like a bookie when it comes to shit like this, so I immediately bought a test. At first glance I thought it was negative. I picked it up for a closer look and saw a very, very faint pink line. I wasn't sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me, or what, so I went to the dollar store, bought two tests and tested again at the same time the next morning.
Negative. I looked at the pamphlet that came with the previous day's pharmacy test and it said a positive result will stay on the screen for 48 hours and a negative test will stay on the screen for 10 minutes. I dug up my old test and it clearly said positive. Now I don't know which test is right. I thought maybe I was having a chemical pregnancy and I would bleed later on.
Third morning, no blood, took a pharmacy test. It clearly said positive. Took the dollar store test right away and it said negative. Omgwtfbbq?!
I felt different. I knew something was up and while Bob slept in, I covertly made a phone call to book a doctor appointment later in the afternoon. I just had to be pregnant. I made a little pictograph type puzzle in Photoshop.
It reads, WHEAT minus TEA
ARMOUR minus MOORE
HALF plus INGALLS minus HALLS
ABE plus ACE minus HISS plus BEE
Or in other words, We Are Having A Baby!
I was too nervous to tell Bob and this was how I was going to do it. I suggested we have brunch and said I had a doctor appointment later. I let him think it was for my cold.
While waiting for our food at Chez Cora, I pulled out my puzzle and said, I have a little game for us to play while we wait. Bob had a terrible time guessing the puzzle. Finally, with my help, he got, We Are Having... but he couldn't figure out that last word.
"Lincoln Ace of Hearts. President Heart. Abraham Ace..." I really wanted him to figure out the word on his own. He just started to get random with his guesses and he blurted out BABY, not even thinking.
The deer-in-the-headlights look on his face was priceless. Right away he realized what he said and what it meant and he was stunned! I, of course, burst into tears right in the restaurant!
Then he smiled, and I felt better. He said he was happy and I said I was happy. The waitress brought our food and I specifically asked for hollandaise sauce on the side so I sent it back. I told him what the doctor appointment was really about. It was crazy and hilarious and maybe even romantic.
I was confirmed pregnant at the doctor's office. Four weeks and a few days. Due October 8th. (A Libra!)
We told our families the same day. Bob's family was ecstatic and my family was shocked, but soon came around. Even though it's so early, I worry about miscarrying and I wanted to tell lots of people soon to rally support for us, and especially me.
I don't have a job and still can't work. My collar bone is still broken, pending surgery, and still needs time to heal. I'm off my lithium and don't really have a back up plan to deal with my Bipolar disorder. Bob doesn't have a job either, is going back to school and will be finished in October, when I'm due. He'll have to find a job right away. Our apartment is a mess. We have the spare room, but it's packed full of junk that will all have to be moved somewhere. I don't know where. My $300 + bridesmaid dress I ordered won't fit and I'll have to pay to get it seriously altered. Will I even be able to wear heels?
The timing is terrible, but like my friend said that also had an unexpected pregnancy, "The best babies are bad timing." And her daughter is amazing, so I can see where she's coming from.
I'm really happy. Bob's already practicing his stern dad voice on the cats haha. I just can't believe it! 2012. What a fucking year!
Mid January, I started to get sick. The 14th, I had a sick person spend the night at my home and on the 15th I had caught whatever it was. In fact, I'm still working on the same cold as we speak. I was sore, tired, I felt like shit, all the normal cold stuff. Then a week and a half later, my breasts felt like bricks. One friend commented on how my breasts looked larger. A few days before I was expecting my period, I was getting cramps.
Everything had an explanation. I didn't suspect anything until I actually missed my period. I keep track like a bookie when it comes to shit like this, so I immediately bought a test. At first glance I thought it was negative. I picked it up for a closer look and saw a very, very faint pink line. I wasn't sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me, or what, so I went to the dollar store, bought two tests and tested again at the same time the next morning.
Negative. I looked at the pamphlet that came with the previous day's pharmacy test and it said a positive result will stay on the screen for 48 hours and a negative test will stay on the screen for 10 minutes. I dug up my old test and it clearly said positive. Now I don't know which test is right. I thought maybe I was having a chemical pregnancy and I would bleed later on.
Third morning, no blood, took a pharmacy test. It clearly said positive. Took the dollar store test right away and it said negative. Omgwtfbbq?!
I felt different. I knew something was up and while Bob slept in, I covertly made a phone call to book a doctor appointment later in the afternoon. I just had to be pregnant. I made a little pictograph type puzzle in Photoshop.
ARMOUR minus MOORE
HALF plus INGALLS minus HALLS
ABE plus ACE minus HISS plus BEE
Or in other words, We Are Having A Baby!
I was too nervous to tell Bob and this was how I was going to do it. I suggested we have brunch and said I had a doctor appointment later. I let him think it was for my cold.
While waiting for our food at Chez Cora, I pulled out my puzzle and said, I have a little game for us to play while we wait. Bob had a terrible time guessing the puzzle. Finally, with my help, he got, We Are Having... but he couldn't figure out that last word.
"Lincoln Ace of Hearts. President Heart. Abraham Ace..." I really wanted him to figure out the word on his own. He just started to get random with his guesses and he blurted out BABY, not even thinking.
The deer-in-the-headlights look on his face was priceless. Right away he realized what he said and what it meant and he was stunned! I, of course, burst into tears right in the restaurant!
Then he smiled, and I felt better. He said he was happy and I said I was happy. The waitress brought our food and I specifically asked for hollandaise sauce on the side so I sent it back. I told him what the doctor appointment was really about. It was crazy and hilarious and maybe even romantic.
I was confirmed pregnant at the doctor's office. Four weeks and a few days. Due October 8th. (A Libra!)
We told our families the same day. Bob's family was ecstatic and my family was shocked, but soon came around. Even though it's so early, I worry about miscarrying and I wanted to tell lots of people soon to rally support for us, and especially me.
I don't have a job and still can't work. My collar bone is still broken, pending surgery, and still needs time to heal. I'm off my lithium and don't really have a back up plan to deal with my Bipolar disorder. Bob doesn't have a job either, is going back to school and will be finished in October, when I'm due. He'll have to find a job right away. Our apartment is a mess. We have the spare room, but it's packed full of junk that will all have to be moved somewhere. I don't know where. My $300 + bridesmaid dress I ordered won't fit and I'll have to pay to get it seriously altered. Will I even be able to wear heels?
The timing is terrible, but like my friend said that also had an unexpected pregnancy, "The best babies are bad timing." And her daughter is amazing, so I can see where she's coming from.
I'm really happy. Bob's already practicing his stern dad voice on the cats haha. I just can't believe it! 2012. What a fucking year!
