My Resolutions 2013

Now it's time for the annual list of resolutions.
The link for last year's resolutions blog post can be found here.

For a brief refresher, in 2012 I vowed to:

1. Completely pay off my credit card and line of credit.
2. Lose an unspecified amount of weight
3. Avoid pole dancing while drunk

Would you believe I completed 1/3 of my resolutions? The other two I have really good excuses though for not completing them! Let's start at the top.

First Resolution: I did not completely pay off my credit card or my line of credit. Not even close. In my defense, I only worked 273 insurable hours and was living off EI for most of the year, or had no income altogether. I tried really hard not to rack up any more debt I will successfully pay off my car loan in March a whole 2 years earlier than I was supposed to. I feel really good about that!

Second Resolution: I did not lose any weight this year. In fact, I gained lots of weight because of my pregnancy. Weeks after giving birth, I lost a lot of weight, but then gained half of it back. I'm going to be very honest with you; I don't care about my weight right now. I'm not even trying to "get back my body."

Third Resolution: I did in fact avoid pole dancing while drunk. I avoided pole dancing altogether. I also avoided being drunk 8 months of the year. Thanks pregnancy!

But what about 2013? I really want to pick some good resolutions that are obtainable and most importantly, meaningful. Without further ado, here are my resolutions for 2013.

1. Save $5000 by the end of the year.
   
   This is important to me because for two years in a row I wanted to reduce my debt load and for two years in a row, I failed. How about I focus on increasing my savings instead? Bob and I want to buy a house someday soon, so we need to get saving.
   
2. Have the living room and kitchen "company ready" 24/7.
   
   Now that I'm a home maker, I feel like my house should be cleaner. I'm home all day almost every day and it would be nice to have something to show for it. Plus with Tesla so low to the ground, she would probably appreciate a clean surface to slobber on.
   
3. Have a nutritious, home cooked meal on the table, to be eaten at the table, every day by 6pm.
   
   This one sort of ties into my second resolution. My boyfriend works hard all day and I want him to come home to a wonderful meal. Also, it's important to me that we sit down at our kitchen table and eat as a family, especially as Tesla gets older.
   
   We usually eat our meals on the couch in front of the TV and use our table as storage for stuff we should put away, but are too lazy to. It's terrible.

2012: The Year of the Big Headache

As 2012 comes to a close and we arbitrarily approach 2013, I'd like to take a moment to review how the year went. Back in 2011, I knew that 2012 was going to be a big year for me, I just couldn't predict what was going to happen.

When I was in high school, I took this online test that predicted when you were going to get married. The results said September 2012. That didn't happen this year, but here some things that did:

• January: Started the year off right and got pregnant with a broken collar bone. I stop taking Lithium.
  
• February: Collar bone still hasn't healed properly. The pregnancy has made me feel very ill every day. Bob goes back to school.
  
• March: Still really sick. Collar bone still hasn't healed properly.
  
• April: I missed my birthday because I was extremely ill and going through a manic period. Supposedly my collar bone should be healed by now, but I can't get an x-ray because I've had too many in last 6 months and I'm pregnant.
  
• May: Finally the sickness has passed and I start looking for a job. No one wants to hire a pregnant lady though.
  
• June: My friend Jessica gets me a job as a substitute at the daycare she works at. Holy lifesaver! My best friend gets pregnant again!
  
• July: I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding.
  
• August: Maid of Honour in my best friend's wedding. Bob and I get into a huge fight and almost break up.
  
• September: Tesla is born 5 weeks early. We just moved into a new apartment and nothing's unpacked or set up yet. Everyone hauled ass while I ate pudding at the hospital for a week. My awesome heterosexual life mate, Carly, comes all the way from Regina to be with me and help out. I also quit breast-feeding to go back on Lithium.
  
• October: Bob graduates from Robertson College. My friend gives birth to a girl! I got food poisoning. I got so drunk at Halloween I don't even know what happened for most of the night.
  
• November: For Bob's birthday we go to a Neil Young/Crazy Horse concert. Tesla gets thrush. I get a job working in a home daycare.
   
• December: Bob finally gets a job! Tesla gets Tourniquet Toe and we have to go to the ER. My collar bone still hurts. My dad gets a hair cut, after growing it out for nearly 15 years!

It was a hard year. For the majority of it, I was inside the apartment. I was sick a lot of the time and just never left the house. Money was another big issue. I worked 273 insurable hours this year. What a joke! I basically lived off EI most of this year and Bob and I were both broke.

I can feel my stress melting away as Christmas approaches. I'm really looking forward to celebrating Tesla's first Christmas with everyone. I think it's going to be very fun.

After Christmas is over I will be posting my annual My Resolutions post. Stay tuned kids! 2012's not over yet!

Mary Kay Recruit

When I was pregnant, I signed up for Welcome Wagon to come deliver a basket of baby stuff to my house. There was actually some great stuff in there! One of things was a free pampering session with Mary Kay. By "free pampering session" they actually mean they want you to host a party. I never called and inevitably, she called me pressuring me to book a party. I did. I wasn't even going to invite anyone, but she said it would be more fun if I did, so I reluctantly invited a few people.

The party was a success. We had food and wine and got a free makeover. I bought some new makeup I can't afford. The next day, the Rep came over and dropped off my friend's purchase she had made. She also gave me some literature about becoming an Independent Beauty Consultant.

She complimented me and said she noticed how driven and confident I was. I would make a wonderful beauty consultant! She really thought I had great potential and that this was something I could be very successful at, especially with all my "flexible" time. It was all very flattering, but I knew she was buttering me up. All the reps at all the parties I've ever been to say all the same lines. I took the papers and told her I'd think about it.

Then I went and did my research. I visited the Canadian Mary Kay website. I looked through everything and didn't notice much real information. Then I found a website that was very helpful called Pink Truth. It's a site dedicated to warning people about the downfalls of selling Mary Kay products. It's very fascinating and I read through the whole site three times.

The one thing I was most interested in was the legal agreement which I found on Pink Truth. I read through the entire thing and one sentence was extremely crucial.

"An Independent Beauty Consultant is considered “active” in the month a minimum $200 wholesale Section 1 product order is received by the Company and in the following two calendar months."

How a consultant gets paid is by buying products wholesale, selling the products for retail prices, and then keeping the difference. So, every 3 months, she must purchase $200 worth of product and then sell that product for $400. All that does is make her break even. She would have to sell even more to make any money.

I emailed my findings to the rep trying to recruit me and told her that the risks outweigh the benefits for me because we're a one income, one car family with a baby. Of course she emailed me back wanting to meet in person, wanting to talk some more. She could show me how easy it is to make money. I emailed her back saying I've already done the math and I've already read the agreement and I'm still not interested, but when I need some more Mary Kay, I'll give her a shout.

She didn't email me again, so that was a relief.

As a side note: I don't have my own car and I have a baby. How exactly did she figure my time was flexible? It's quite the opposite really.

Anyway, anyone thinking about selling make-up, candles, jewellery, sex toys, or even Tupperware, do your research and find out what it's really going to cost you. All these companies are the same and use the same pyramid scheme to make money.

A Near Perfect Meal Plan

Tesla has been on this earth for just more than 12 weeks and I have actually gained back half the baby weight I initially lost right after she was born. I can pinpoint exactly when I started to gain weight - when Bob graduated from school. He's been home ever since and his horrible eating habits have rubbed off on me big time.

He's a compulsive, unhealthy snacker and he knows it. He brings me down with his habits because the temptations are all there, especially when he goes out shopping and brings back junk food I never would have bought for myself and says he's got a special treat for us. It honestly has driven me nuts ever since I met him, yet I still eat right along with him.

Anyway, I have stop blaming Bob. I'm done living like he does and I'm making a conscious decision to stop today. He will try to sabotage me without realizing it, but my will power will stay strong because losing this baby weight is important to me. Plus, anything in the cupboards I don't want around will get thrown into the deep freeze or garbage.

At first I didn't mind my new full figure, but when I stare at my naked body in the mirror, or look at pictures of myself before getting pregnant, I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential. I know I can look better because I used to look great! This "new-mom-glow" thing just isn't cutting it anymore.

Finding a proper diet and exercise plan is important to reach my weight-loss goals. I went on Calorie Count to help devise a meal plan that I would be able to stick to, and that would also meet all my nutritional needs. After punching in every single food I plan to eat in a day, it spat out a nutritional analysis of the day. I had to tweak it slightly to lower my carb intake and raise my calcium and potassium intake, but after that, almost every vitamin and mineral was right on target according to the standard guidelines. I'll need to take an iron supplement, but I take one anyway. Also, my sugar intake is kind of high, but that's because I'm eating so much fruit and will be indulging in a cup of chocolate milk every day.

This low-calorie diet seems nearly perfect on paper. See for yourself with this screen shot I took.

My daily analysis from Calorie Count

I decided to start this diet December 1st because I figured most others would only be starting their diets January 1st. With a month long head start, perhaps by the time New Year's Eve comes, I can say that I resolve to continue my weight loss journey as opposed to just starting one. Resolving to lose weight is so cliche.

Diet or no diet, I'm still stuffing my face silly Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but until then, I'm making a vow, here on Blogger, to stay true to this meal plan.

Cheers, to healthy living!

(Anti) Bullying

I am so sick of  reading about anti-bullying campaigns. I just don't care anymore. It is in the news so often and I'm going to be really honest, I think it's a waste of time.

They always say in all the articles bullying shouldn't be a right of passage anymore. I think that statement is false. Bullying is a part of life and I believe it can make you stronger in certain instances, for example, when you overcome it. Perhaps I'm not the best person to write on this subject because I can count on one hand the number of times I felt bullied and I know there are people who have lost track of how many times they felt they were being bullied. But, there is a difference between bullying and harassment.

These teens that commit suicide because of "bullying" were more likely being harassed. Small amounts of bullying, even every day, can wear you down over time and lower your self-esteem, but to get to the point of suicide, there has to be some serious stuff going on in that teen's life, maybe even stuff not related to school at all! To get to the point where you've lost all coping skills takes time.

How about instead of going on and on about all these bullshit anti-bullying rules, (which probably aren't even going to help) why not spend that money on properly counseling students who feel bullied? And I don't mean using the shitty school guidance counselor who took a one year course. Get a real therapist in there! Teach these kids coping skills so when the psychological warfare starts they have the tools they'll need to overcome the abuse.

You can't cure a bully. A bully isn't going to have a light-bulb go off in his/her head after watching a Powerpoint presentation in the school gymnasium, and think, oh man, I'm a huge asshole. I should try to be nicer to people. All this anti-bullying crap is just a deterrent and doesn't alter the actual bullies.

But you can cure a person will low self-esteem. You can build that person up again and help them see that they are better and stronger than their bullies. One day they'll be strong enough to shrug those bullies off and know the truth about themselves. One day the psychological warfare will end because the bullies run out of ammo when they see you're not affected by them.

Some girls in high school used to call me "Nigger Lips." I was self-conscious about it when I first heard them say that because I had never felt there was anything wrong with my lips. Their goal was to make me feel bad about myself. Good thing I had a boy that told me I had beautiful, luscious, kissable lips and that he preferred full lips to thin ones. The next time they called me nigger lips, I rolled my eyes because it was the stupidest thing. That was their one complaint about me and it wasn't even a bad thing.

That's the power of a confidence boost. Bullies attack the weak. When the weak become strong, there won't be anyone left to bully, so who gives a shit about deterring bullies with legislation and rules?

Political Correctness

I read a parenting blog every day called Embrace The Chaos and what I like reading even more than the articles are the comments people make under them. It's ridiculous how rude and uninformed people are. People get pretty heated in the comments section, often going off on tangents not even related to the article that started it all.

Anyway, what inspired this particular blog was an article about how one elementary school in Ontario has banned students from wearing costumes to school. Apparently the reasoning was that there were many "new Canadian" families attending the school and to show respect for them and their beliefs/culture/whatever the school would "celebrate" Halloween by having students wear orange or black clothes. Apparently Halloween is predominately a North American thing and other cultures find the whole thing quite odd.

That being said, of course there was outrage. How dare those damn immigrants take away Halloween from our children during school hours, right? (Even though the article stated it was the Principal's idea, not one of the parents calling to complain.)

Reading the comments, people are talking about religion and Christianity saying Halloween should be abolished forever everywhere. Then we got the comments about how Canadian culture is being watered down by all these immigrants coming over and being offended by our ways and asking us to change. For example, we should say Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings instead of Merry Christmas in order to not be offensive.

Everyone seems to be forgetting the issue at hand. THIS IS A SCHOOL! Remember that place you go to learn stuff to help you with the rest of your life? Costumes are a huge distraction! Props go missing or get confiscated... Kids can't see the board because they're wearing masks or there's big hats or wings in way... Kids get into character and aren't paying attention. The whole day is shot because everything is a distraction.

In my opinion, you're either for or against the separation of religion and state.

If you are in favour of the separation of religion and state, then we shouldn't be "celebrating" any holidays at school. Our children should go to school, learn what needs to be learned, including holidays and traditions from North America and around the world, and the families that want to celebrate Halloween by trick or treating can get the kids dressed up and go trick or treating after school.

And the families that want to sing Christmas carols can get dressed up and go caroling as a family. And the families that want to do an Easter egg hunt can hide the chocolate eggs themselves in their own house and let their kids go searching and eat chocolate all day.

We don't need to celebrate Christmas in school. We don't need to celebrate Hanukkah in school. We don't need to celebrate Easter or Valentines Day in school.  Nobody is oppressing you. Nobody is taking away your beliefs and traditions. Nobody is trying to change you or force their ways on you. Nobody is trying to make you say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. We are literally just trying to separate religion and state so that everyone can practice their own beliefs and traditions in their own way with their family like the way it should be. And if you happen to have similar values and beliefs as another family whose kid is friends with your, then go ahead and celebrate together. After school!

The only holiday schools should be recognizing and actively celebrating would be Remembrance Day. Second to that, I guess Louis Riel Day.

A final note on the Happy Holidays slogan - That was created by big businesses in order to keep as many customers happy as possible, seeing as how people of all faiths shop at their stores for gifts of all occasions. Saying Merry Christmas is only offensive if you are a huge conglomerate and will lose billions of dollars by not using a more generic address.

You can say Merry Christmas to a Jewish person. I promise that person will not be offended and will most likely wish you a Happy Hanukkah in return.

Chelsea's 5 Levels of Intoxication

Level 1
Lowest level of intoxication. I'm quite sociable and my inhibitions have lowered enough that I feel comfortable striking up a conversation with a complete stranger and that stranger is not afraid of me because I still appear to be sober.
Approximately 1-2 drinks

Level 2
At this level I feel a definite buzz. I feel really fun and sexy and want to flirt with everyone. People are still enjoying my company at this point. I'll be feeling up my boyfriend and kissing him a lot. This would be a good level to stay at for the rest of the night to avoid a hangover in the morning.
Approximately 2-3 drinks

Level 3
I'm starting to get ridiculous, but not out of control. Everything is a lot funnier at this level and "good" ideas and "witty" comments start to spew from my mouth like gold. I'll talk to anyone about anything, but nobody can take me seriously because I'm obviously intoxicated. I'm losing my balance and starting to stumble around a bit. I no longer care about having sex with someone. I'm going to have a slight hangover in the morning, but probably won't feel sick.
Approximately 3-4

Level 4
I start saying things that make zero sense to others and try to justify and explain myself which only makes things worse and more hilarious, often not remembering these conversations in the morning. My speech is slightly slurred and I need help walking any great distance. Though generally still in a fun party mood, there may be a few tears shed. At this level I will have a bad hangover in the morning and will be sick.
Approximately 4-5 drinks

Level 5
Blackout level. This is the worst level I could be at because I'm no longer having fun and someone has to babysit me. Often I won't be able to stand, let alone walk, and someone will practically have to carry me out to the car.  I'm usually crying inconsolably about nothing or something trivial. This is the most obnoxious level to deal with. I feel sleepy and want to pass out after crying.
Approximately 6+ drinks

Dumpster Food Diving

I was watching Extreme Cheapskates on TV today. It's about people who go to the extremes to save money. One woman who lives alone in a New York apartment saves money in various ways including washing clothes in the shower while she's showering, using the dishwasher and oven as extra storage instead of their intended purposes, disconnecting the gas and air conditioner, and haggling when she does need to buy something (which is quite rare.) She never buys new clothes, not even socks and underwear. She never buys toilet paper (just rinses with soap and water) and when she goes out she saves the paper towel to use at home again later.

The biggest way she saves money though is by dumpster diving. She has never bought furniture in her life. Every piece of furniture in her apartment was either given to her for free or taken for free from a dumpster. That's also where she "shops" for groceries.

She dresses herself up to look more homeless and then goes to the high end grocery stores and restaurants with her canvas grocery bags and starts digging around for good food in the trash bags. Specifically she looks for prepackaged food that appears to be untouched, but will also take food that looks good that isn't packaged. During the episode, she had an old friend come over for dinner and bring his girlfriend whom she'd never met. She fed them dumpster food.

She thinks these places just throw out good food and waste it. Talking from experience, it's true many establishments throw out perfectly good food because it cannot be saved for later use or cannot be sold, however, talking from experience, every business hates waste and every business tries to saves money where it can.

When I worked as a stock girl in a specialty food store, any grocery items that could not be sold because it was damaged, past expiry, or had been opened up, was put on a shelf and was used up by the in-house chef. We had a take-out counter where people could buy pre-made meals to heat up for dinner and desserts and that kind of thing. What do you think that food was made out of?

If you've ever eaten at Aalto's Cafe at any Canad Inns, you may have notice their buffet. Where do you think that buffet food comes from? It's the food that's about to expire and the kitchen needs to get rid of it quick. Same with the Daily Special.

If you've ever shopped at Sobey's or Superstore or Safeway, you may have noticed you can buy sandwiches, dinner items, mixed fruit bowls, salad bowls, all with the store's logo on it. Those are made in-house with food that cannot be sold. They literally go through the old lettuce and chop off the bad parts and use the rest to make a fresh salad. They pick through all the moldy berries and use the rest to make a mixed fruit bowl. I know because that's what I had to do at the store I worked at.

By the time food is actually thrown in the dumpster, it's because all uses for it have been exhausted. Yes, the food can technically still be eaten, but it's usually stale at that point, or has someone's germs on it. It's not necessarily dangerous to eat, but you could still get sick.  Safe-handling practices are never used to throw food in the trash can. You could never find out the story behind why that food was thrown away.

When it comes to saving money, go ahead and reduce, reuse, free-cycle, clip coupons, pick up every penny found on the ground, and haggle every item you want to buy down to the lowest possible price. Be creative, but please, never ever dumpster dive for food and especially don't ever feed it to guests in your home because that is truly disgusting and something that I would stop being your friend over if you ever did it to me.

Eating Primal

Changing your lifestyle isn't easy. Bob and I would both like to make a change for the better. We both want to lose some weight before Christmas and after having feasted on 3 Thanksgiving dinners, now is a great time to start! We've decided to eat primal.

A long while back, I stumbled upon Mark's Daily Apple and found the content to be very interesting and informative. The essence of the Primal Blueprint is to live the way our ancient ancestors lived before farming. Mark, and many others, believe we should be eating mostly vegetables and meat, some fruit and nuts and that's it. No cereal grains, no processed food, and no refined sugar! We should also be exercising like our ancestors too by doing lots of walking, some sprinting and weight lifting.

I'm not hardcore into this primal business, but many compelling arguments are made for the case of living this lifestyle. Enough so, that Bob and I have started to eat primal. At the end of the week we'll reassess to see how we're liking it.

The first day went well for both of us. I cooked Bob breakfast and packed him a lunch to ensure he wouldn't be frustrated and give up on the first day. I also made us a fabulous primal dinner of stuffed peppers. When he got home from work, Bob said he was less sluggish and even noticed a change in his, um, private bathroom time, we'll call it.

I didn't notice any immediate change in myself. In an unrelated matter, at 2am I felt sick to my stomach and puked my guts out for 4 hours. Several hours later I had a banana and a few soda crackers, breaking the diet. I could have made myself some broth, but my body was so weak, I barely had any energy at all. I skipped dinner and slept for a while, then had 4 strips of bacon and Cheerios. Bob cooked himself a primal dinner and I was quite proud of him.

Today I feel a lot better and am eating primal again. I've researched tons of recipes and my refrigerator is fully stocked with everything I need. Will post more results after the weekend!

Non-Traditional Lullabies

I can think of very few adult people that actually genuinely enjoy children's music. The nursery rhymes and the silly songs and the children's entertainers... BLAH! I think children's music has its place, but it shouldn't be the only thing your kids listen to.

Growing up I listened to a lot of Fred Penner, Jake Chenier, Sharon Lois and Bram, and audio books. I also listened to a lot of really bad country music - I still hate country music to this day - and I listened to a lot of oldies music from the 60s and 70s.

Guess what I still listen to? If you guessed oldies, you are correct! I have very fond memories of driving around with my dad in his truck and dad goofing around, singing along to the radio and making me laugh. It's nice to hear a song and think, Hey, this was good when I was a kid and it's still good today! Nobody is going to ever say that about The Wiggles.

So, when trying to pick out some songs to sing to Tesla, it was important to me that I pick out songs that A) I actually liked and wouldn't mind singing over and over and over again and B) Tesla could hear as an adult and think, Oh, my mom sang this to me when I was a kid. I liked it then and I still like it now.

There's always the chance that Tesla will despise Indy, alternative, and folk music just as I have always loathed country music despite growing up listening to it. (But my music is good and country music will always be terrible.)

Here are the songs that I sing to my baby girl.

Car by Built To Spill


Upwards Over the Mountain by Iron & Wine


Lethal Killers by Abandoned Pools
I love these songs; I think the lyrics are meaningful and even though it will be many years before Tesla understands what the songs are about, it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing them to her now. They're not even close to being anything like a traditional lullaby, but when you're going a cappella, you can make anything sound soothing.

Peanut Bans

With a new year school year already underway, the talk of banning nuts comes up once again. My position has always been that banning nuts in schools creates a false sense of security and in no way prepares an allergic child for dealing with the allergy in the real world. The Calgary Allergy Network has a fantastic article about it!

Let's get real: The world is not going to come together and fight to extinct the peanut or tree nuts just because the amount of people developing the allergy is on the rise. We are not going to eradicate the world of any and all nuts because that is lunacy. I still don't know why people think creating nut free zones is the best way to deal with kids with nut allergies. No other allergy case goes to this extreme.

I worked in a nut free daycare for some months. I do not know how many kids attending the daycare were allergic to nuts, but there was a girl allergic to all forms of melon and avocado, a girl allergic to sesame, and there was a boy allergic to milk. The daycare did not ban any of those things (because that would be ridiculous) but it did notify parents so they could be aware and choose not to send those items if they were feeling empathetic.

Every child in that daycare is made to wash their hands before and after every meal and the tables are cleaned before and after every meal. In the 2-3 year old room, even the chairs get fully wiped down after every meal and the floor is swept up afterward too. There is a strict no sharing lunches and snacks rule in effect as well. If it's possible that those 3 kids somehow are not dead after attending daycare, maybe, just maybe, the kids with peanut allergies might also survive if we allowed nuts back in?

Let's apply those standards to an elementary school where kids are slightly more mature than the toddlers at daycare and who might even know how to read, and you've got no reason to ban nuts at the school either. Perhaps the cafeteria food is all nut free, but that's the school's choice. By the time kindergarten rolls around, a normal child with an allergy should know not to trade lunches with others or accept snacks without knowing what the ingredients are. That's called proper parenting.

Banning nuts at schools is a complacent way of doing things. Instead of spending all that time enforcing the no nuts rule, why not enforce a hand washing rule? Why not enforce wiping down desks and tables before and after lunch? Even with a peanut ban in effect, you should be washing your hands and desks anyway and then there would be no need for the ban to begin with!

I get that parents just want their kids to be safe, especially psycho helicopter parents trying to control every aspect of their children's lives, but knowledge is power in this instance. Educate others about your child's allergy. Educate your child about his or her allergy. Make sure your child and others at the school know what to do if an allergic reaction occurs. A ban isn't going to save your kid's life when he accidentally ingests something, or even just touches something he's allergic to; knowing where his EpiPen is and how to use it will.

Breaking Up With Breastfeeding

My entire pregnancy I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding. I never said to people, Yes, I am breastfeeding, I always said, I want to try.

I tried.

Tesla was brought to the neonatal intensive care unit after she was born. Due to my own complications recovering from the epidural, I didn't get to see her until 4.5 hours later. I had to be wheeled in to see her because I couldn't walk and I had the shakes. It was 4am and I was exhausted. I held Tesla for 5 minutes and then was wheeled back to my room and helped into bed.

Nearly 17 hours after given birth I was finally given the opportunity to pump for the first time and about a teaspoon came out.

I was told to pump every three hours. Each time I pumped, less and less came out. I was also given seroquel, an anti-psychotic drug used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar. I told everyone I didn't want to leave the hospital until I was given medication safe to take while breastfeeding. It worked like a horse tranquilizer on me. Thirty minutes after taking it I couldn't walk. I was out and I slept and slept and slept and slept. People came in and out of my room, called my name... no response, I was dead to the world for hours. I obviously missed pumping in that time.

When I came to, I tried pumping some more. Just drops were coming out. By the afternoon Tesla was brought to my room as NICU had no reason to keep her. She was doing really well. We tried latching a couple times without success. I took a half dose of seroquel that night hoping it would have less severe results. An hour after taking it I was very drowsy and couldn't get out of bed.

The night nurse had to wheel Tesla out of my room and keep her behind the desk and take care of her because the seroquel knocked me out again and I couldn't take care of my baby. I missed three feedings and obviously didn't pump.

In the morning I said, absolutely no more seroquel! I tried pumping. Nothing came out. Not even one drop. I was overwhelmed, I was frustrated, I was tired, I was so sick of being at the hospital. It was my 6th day there and really just wanted to go home. I told the lactation consultant I was done breastfeeding, I just want my lithium back. She understood and psych-health visited me and put in the recommendation that I be given a prescription for lithium before I left the hospital.

I can't breastfeed on lithium because the lithium level would enter her body and if it got to a toxic level it could kill her or cause brain, liver, or kidnery damage, or mess up her thyroid gland.

It was such a relief to come home, my milk came in! I was so excited I decided to not take my lithium and instead breastfeed without taking any medication. I thought, I did it for 8 months, what's one more month? Then when I see the psychiatrist October 1st, we can discuss how the month went and if I'd like to continue on without medication.

After 5 days of poor latches, periodic pumping and feeding her mostly formula anyway I told my public health nurse I was done and wanted to go back on lithium. I was crying all the time, I felt empty inside, and I was extremely unhappy. Tesla wasn't eating as much as she should, and she wasn't gaining any weight and that was stressing me out too. As badly as I wanted to breastfeed her, especially since she's 5 weeks premature, I knew I was burning myself out and if I kept living like this, something bad was going to happen.

My public health nurse was not listening to me and she suggested I stop trying to get her to latch and just pump instead, then bottle feed what I pump, buy a better pump to make it easier... "Do you know the benefits of breastfeeding? Because Tesla's so premature, she really needs all that good stuff only your breastmilk has to offer."

I could have slapped her. Especially when she ended with, "I'm not trying to push breastfeeding on you!" I was already upset and feeling guilty about having to quit breastfeeding so soon, and it was like she was rubbing salt in the wound. She said I have a bit of the baby blues and it's so early, all new moms go through this... I just rolled my eyes because while I very may well have baby blues I also have bipolar disorder and that trumps baby blues in a major way.

So, I took my lithium last night. It will take a few weeks for it to really take effect, but I can no longer breastfeed. Since switching to formula exclusively, Tesla has been eating so much better, consuming more than she ever did before and it's only been one and a half days.

Obviously I want what's best for my baby. I really wish I could breastfeed her. I would absolutely keep trying if my mental health wasn't on the line. What Tesla needs is a healthy mother, ready, willing, and able to take care of her 24/7. Without my lithium, I don't think I can be the kind of caregiver necessary for providing her with all her basic needs. Breast may be best, but in this instance it really isn't and I've made my peace with that.

Tesla @ Home

I am not usually an obsessive person. Things that consume me only do so for a short period of time. However, now that I have this lovely baby living in my apartment, my entire life revolves around my daughter, Tesla. If I were to meet someone new and the rule was I wasn't allowed to talk about my baby or let on that I had a child, I don't know what I'd talk about. I'd probably draw a blank unless the person also watched Big Brother. I always make time for that show!

I was in the hospital for 6 days with no TV or radio and I only went on Facebook for 10 minutes a day on Bob's smartphone so I could update everyone and read everyone's comments they posted. My world stood still for a week. I didn't care what was happening everywhere. It didn't even occur to me to ask for a newspaper. To be so disconnected, consumed with myself, and not care is a strange but good feeling. It doesn't happen too often in a person's life.

Tesla's 8 days old now. She's so cute and tiny. I like it when she opens both her eyes and looks right at me when I'm holding her. I'm your mommy, Tesla, Hello! She likes to work out her face muscles. I'll put her in her swing and watch her face change from full smile, pouty lips, crooked smile, yawn, kissy lips, frown, sad face, perfect O lips with raised eyebrows, the sneeze, tongue sticking out, the lip smack... There's so many subtle nuances about her that I notice. Then there's all the funny hand and arm positioning she goes through. She's a wonderful girl.

Time is moving so slowly it seems. The hardest part of my day, and night for that matter, is sleeping when she sleeps. I find it hard to sleep during the day without curtains on the window and I also find it hard to sleep at night because feedings take up the majority of my time and it often feels like, what's the point in trying to sleep for 1.5 hours? It doesn't seem worth it. Since she isn't exclusively breastfed, it's nice when Bob can take over 1 or 2 feedings in a row so I can get some uninterrupted sleep.

People are always visiting. I'm averaging two a day. I like it because then I can hear about someone else's life and remember the world didn't stop the night Tesla was born. People went on about their life, living. One day, I too will have a life. One day I will be able to sleep through the night. One day she will be older and taller and I will miss her when she was this young and small.

The BIG Move

Bob and I moved out of Sage Creek during the weekend and into Southdale, 5 minutes away. Here are my initial thoughts on the new place.

PROS

• Closer to my job, my mom, shopping, and friends.
• Better bus routes.
• Cheaper rent ($200 cheaper!)
• Much nicer area with lots of green space and is a mature neighbourhood.
• Better layout of apartment with a bigger master bedroom.
• Has a shared store-room beside the suite.
• Larger balcony with a great view.

CONS

• There is only 1 washer and dryer shared by 12 suites and it is coin-operated, small, and from the 70's.
•  There is less storage space in the kitchen.
• The dishwasher is smaller and does not dry the dishes.
• Apartment did not come with curtains or blinds of any kind.
• Bathroom does not have a fan.
• Bob has hit his head on the chandelier in the kitchen 9 times because it is hanging too low.
• No carpet in the bedrooms.

Then there are the things that are the same between the new and old apartment: We can control the thermostat in the winter. There's an air conditioner - It's older and louder than the one at Sage Creek, but at least we have it! We get one free parking spot. We're allowed up to 2 cats.

There's one other thing too that's different: We no longer live in the same apartment as our friends Jen and Scott. They lived on the floor below us and we hung out a few times a week. It was amazing having that social factor included without having to get in the car and drive somewhere. I would go down in pajamas without shoes on and play Catan. I'm really going to miss that!

I did meet the young couple that lives across the hall from us. I introduced myself and we all shook hands. I haven't seen them around since, or anyone else for that matter. It's a pretty quiet building.

I can already tell I'm going to enjoy living here! Moving sucks and is stressful and hard, but we had 9 people helping us the day we moved and I'm so thankful for that! Everything got done super quick and it was a fun day. Unpacking is going very slowly and it's chaos in every room, but it's going to look nice in here once we're all done!

Do I Really Want to Medicate?

I truly didn't want to go back on my medication for Bipolar until after I was done breastfeeding. I didn't want to cause any harm to my baby and my bipolar is mild enough that I'm not at risk for harming myself or others. But when I visited my obgyn a couple weeks ago, she told me that my baby is already formed and is just growing, so there is no risk to the fetus. She set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and I was told to think it over.

I feel like I'm so close to the end of my pregnancy, being in the third trimester, why dick around with drugs when I'm going to want to go off them right away to breastfeed? Plus, if I'm given something other than lithium, it could take a month or 2 of crazy side effects before we get the dosage right or find out if the drug is even right for me at all. By then I'll be ready to give birth. It just doesn't make sense.

Yet, I haven't been feeling well. It's affecting my daily life and even my new job at the daycare. I've definitely been hypomanic for some weeks now and feeling quite dysphoric at times. For a lot of bipolar sufferers, they say to themselves, Am I getting too happy? But for me it's more like, Am I getting too angry? Since I almost never experience euphoria unless weed or alcohol is involved.

I have a lot of disproportionate anger and anxiety in any given situation. I get restless and I feel bored, but at the same time, I don't have the energy to make a change and go do something. When things get really bad, I'll get a touch of insomnia and that makes everything worse. I'll start to feel more overwhelmed, more exhausted, more anxiety, and my ability to function is reduced so much, sometimes I can't even up stand up.

Last week I came into work at 10 am. I had 2 nights of interrupted sleep. I was tired and angry and it was really hot outside. I was working in a new room, without air conditioning, with kids and staff I'd never worked with before and I felt really nervous about it, so I was sweating even more. By 11 am I broke down and had to go home for the day. I went into the bathroom and cried and cried and I pretty much had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, my whole body was shaking, and my face was white despite how hot I was. I could barely stand.

Two young staff came to check on me and it was so embarrassing telling them I had to go home and to call the boss and tell her I was leaving. Bob had to leave school early to come home and take care of me because I was so out of sorts. By the time he got home, I'd mellowed out, but then I was just extremely angry at everything and him, for no reason. It's really difficult for him to deal with me sometimes because it's hard not to take it personally, even though I say hurtful stuff I totally don't mean at all.

I've also noticed something else that happens, that I didn't realize before. I become idealistic when hypomanic. That's strange because normally I'm a realist through and through. I think a lot of my hypomanic anger comes from the fact that things aren't perfect, and I feel like my master plan is being fucked with. Certain things about people or objects that I had previously accepted as normal and okay become very serious "flaws" that need to be altered as soon as possible to be "more perfect like me."

At first glance it would seem like I'm depressed because I'm angry, upset, crying, inconsolable, but I'm actually in a mixed state. When I'm depressed, I hate myself and want to die because of all my "flaws". When I'm hypomanic I hate everything and everyone else and all I see is their flaws and what I would change about them so that my world can be perfect. I honestly want everything to be perfect all the time always and it's very upsetting when something goes wrong, even something very trivial that I normally would not get upset about.

But it's all so mild usually, I don't think many people can tell. I try to keep as much of it in as I can, but when I get home, Bob obviously gets the worst of it. I feel safest around him and I know he loves me and won't leave me, even when I say the cruelest things and act very rude.

So, back to the question at hand... do I go back on medication or not? I would obviously benefit from it, but I still don't think it's worth it for such a short time. Plus, I can't afford it. Money's so tight already, I don't think I could spare even $10 a month for medication. I guess we'll see what the psychiatrist says.

Nesting

Those who know me well, know that I am not the tidiest person. I don't enjoy doing housework and therefore hardly do it. More than once I have ordered delivery because I had no clean dishes to cook or eat with. My laundry is usually in piles everywhere and never put away properly. The reason I rarely invite friends over is because my apartment is never fit to receive guests. The week before I have people come over, I commence a deep clean to get my place up to health codes.

I'm a different person these days. I think nesting has kicked in early. Nesting can happen at any time during pregnancy apparently, and not just before you go into labor. On top of all the vacuuming, laundry, and dishes I've been doing lately, I've also started doing some really out of character stuff like cleaning out the microwave thoroughly, pulling apart and cleaning out the drain in the bathroom sink, cleaning the entire toilet inside and out by hand, washing every sheet, blanket, and pillow case in the house, even the clean ones in the closet, and a lot of random reorganizing.

I've reorganized and cleaned out every kitchen cupboard. I reorganized and sorted my makeup, Bob's magazine collection, cleaned off the top of the fridge, sorted all the baby clothes I've gotten thus far, folded all my socks, and reorganized all my dry goods, like sugar, flour ect by putting them in different containers.

Plus it's the time I choose to do these chores. Like, last night for instance, I decided I absolutely had to vacuum the house at midnight. That is so not like me.

I make Bob do stuff too, (but that is like me lol.) I made him sanitize the dryer, clean the stove, (which needs to be done again) clean out the fridge, dust the air vent in the bathroom, and tonight I'm going to make him clean the bathtub. My apartment has never been this clean for this long!

I literally own 5 containers of lysol disinfecting wipes! I can't stop using them! I clean everything with them. Again, sooo not like me!

I'm not sure how long this will last for. Perhaps it's a phase and I will go back to normal soon. I hope it's not... I could get used to living in a clean home for once!

Dream-Land and Ramblings

I will most likely be giving birth in 100 days. I am officially 26 weeks pregnant and in my third trimester!

I'm not sure if this is considered a side-effect of pregnancy, but when I go to sleep, I have the longest, most detailed, intricate dreams of my life. These dreams play out like movies, and it feels like real life sometimes. When I wake up, I feel groggy. My brain is exhausted from dreaming and I just want to go back to sleep and get some actual rest. On the days that I can, I fall back to sleep quickly, but just start dreaming again. It's ridiculous!

And my dreams are crazy too. Usually I love to look up my dreams in dream dictionaries and try to figure out what they mean. It's impossible to do that now. There's too much going on in my dreams that I can't tell where one dream starts and another ends. They just flow together and connect somehow. Trying to pick out a theme, or even writing the dream down is next to impossible in the mornings when there's already so much to do.

I'm usually not pregnant in my dreams, which I think is interesting. A lot of the time I'm really fit. Like, fitter than I actually am in real life haha. Another thing I'm noticing in my dreams is that I possess certain physical or mental skills or talents that I know or don't think I have in real life. It's quite strange, but also reassuring in a way. The dreams I have been able to look up have all had baby or pregnancy undertones.

I feel like this baby had taken over my life, my dreams, and it's not even here yet. It's sort of annoying.

Most of the time I feel so ready for this baby to come. I know I can handle it. I know I'll be a good mom. Bob's been such an amazing support, if he can handle me, he can handle anything thrown his way! I know he'll be a great dad.

The closer I get to my due date, the more twinges of fear I get, where I realize just how much responsibility I'm about to come into. I won't be able to leave on a whim. I won't be able to drop everything and go to a party or get drunk whenever I want. That's not really my style anyway, but still, knowing that I can't feels a little suffocating. I'm going to have to plan every little thing!

My close friends with babies don't live near me and my friends who live close to me don't plan on having kids for a few more years yet. I feel slightly alone. There's tons of support for me out there and all my friends and family have rallied behind me and really helped raise me up, but I can't shake the feeling of being the odd one out with a baby.

I want this baby so bad and I love this baby so much, and in 100 days or so, he or she will finally be here and I know I'll be happy. Still, I can't shake this feeling of wanting to be 19 again for a night- single, free, flirting with everyone, wearing a sexy size 6, eating whatever I want, stumbling around drunk and high and partying with my friends until dawn.

That actually was my life once upon a time and I never missed it until now because now I can never have that again. I probably never was going to have that again because I didn't necessarily want to live like that, but the option is completely off the table with a baby coming.

"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table."

I've never had that sudden realization that I wasn't young anymore and could no longer do "young-people" stuff. I've never actually felt old before. Today I feel old. It feels terrible.

Disney Bans Junk Food

I was reading an article about how The Walt Disney Company will become the first major media company to ban ads for junk food on its television channels, radio stations and websites during programing for children under the age of 12. Read the article here.

Of course it all sounds good in theory and Michelle Obama even supports it. The theory is, if the kids can't see it on TV, they'll be less inclined to whine for it when out shopping for groceries at the store with parents. Disney has set up these nutritional guidelines that advertisers must follow if they want to buy advertising time from Disney. They stand to lose quite a bit of advertising revenue, but the hope is that advertisers will change their products to meet Disney's criteria.

It doesn't stop there. Disney's making a bunch of changes for the better to the food being offered at all their theme parks. Plus, Disney is introducing a "Mickey Check" seal of approval for "healthy" products to be sold in supermarkets and at their theme parks.

It really all sounds like a step in the right direction, but Disney is a business above all and needs to make money. Jumping on the anti-childhood-obesity wagon really is a smart move to make and despite the loss in advertising revenue, Disney will probably make that money back, plus more with all their overpriced "Mickey Check" foods.

What it all comes down to is teaching people of all ages how to read a food label and how to make healthy decisions based on what you read on the food label. When you read the comments under the article, people are still slamming the idea saying all junk food commercials should be banned on all channels in all time slots. Someone said "Getting us more and more comfortable with censorship, one little nudge at a time."

Others say eliminating the junk food images doesn't stop obesity because the parents are ultimately responsible for what their kids are eating and we need to teach adults how to eat properly. Then there are the people who say that kids should stop watching tv altogether and stop playing on the computer and with video game systems and go outside and play like in the old days.

Times have changed. Times are still changing. Times will change yet again. People seem to forget that.

My baby that I'm going to have is going to grow up with more screen time than I ever did because that's the way it is. My baby is going to be bombarded with advertisements from the day I bring him or her home from the hospital because that's the way it is. My baby will not and will never be able to have, the exact same childhood experience that I did because it is impossible to recreate the world how it was a generation ago.

We live in a different time. It is not any better or any worse, just different. I accept this fact and know that I am going to have to raise my child according to life as we know it now and not life as I knew it 2 decades ago. Maybe I'll have to talk about advertising tactics with my child at a much younger age than I was first told. Maybe I'll have to teach my kid how to read a food label at a younger age than I was first taught. Maybe I'll have to encourage my kid to go be active outside more often than my mom ever had to encourage me because that's the way it is now.

With an ever-evolving world, we can't raise today's children the way we were raised because today's kids live in a totally different world. Child-obesity is the norm and Disney banning junk food commercials isn't going to be North America's saving grace by any means, but it's nice to see a major corporation with lots of influence try to use their powers for good instead of evil - (even though Disney will make a huge amount of money off this.)

With so many unhealthy foods posing as nutritious, tricking kids and adults alike with words like Fresh, Wholesome, and Natural, I think Disney is setting the bar and other major corporations will eventually follow suit and stop trying to sell everyone pseudo-healthy foods with misleading marketing campaigns. The truth is on the food label. You just have to read it.

Breastfeeding in Public

It is my wish to attempt breastfeeding. I understand it may not work for me, but nonetheless, I really want to try for as long as I can stand it. It seems to be that breastfeeding in public is this huge controversial thing and the closer I get to my due date, the more nervous I am about attempting to breastfeed, let alone breastfeed in public. All you see in the news is stories about women getting harassed and breastfeeding getting sensationalized.

Even images and stories that are meant to be inspiring and promote breastfeeding just turn ugly in the end and there's this outcry of disgust and judgment.

I worked in news, so I get it. You never see a story about the plane that landed safely, or the boy that didn't drown, or the house the didn't get set on fire. Those are the norm and the norm is not news.

However, it can be very discouraging because it's not like I have the law on my side or anything. Only British Columbia and Ontario have specifically stated it's lawful to breastfeed in public. In fact, you can print out this 2 page fact sheet to keep in your diaper bag to present to people who ask you to cover up, move, or leave.

"It is illegal to discriminate against a woman because she may become pregnant, is pregnant, or has a baby. Nursing mothers have the right to breastfeed their children in a public area, and it is discriminatory to ask them to cover up or breastfeed somewhere else."

How empowering is that? I wish Manitoba had something like this! All I can do is refer someone to the human rights code, which is vague. One of my best friends breastfed her baby for about 6 months and she said not once did she endure any harassment or ridicule when out in public. That is encouraging because maybe breastfeeding isn't as hot of a topic as it seems.

But what about all those nurse-ins? People do nurse-ins everywhere all the time and they always spark debate! I remember there was even a nurse-in at the Pan-Am pool a few years ago. I was there with CBC. A woman breastfeeding in a chair near the kiddie pool area was asked to move to the change room because she was offending the other pool guests. She had just finished an infant swimming class! The mayor personally apologized to her and said the city does in fact support breastfeeding.

I don't think nurse-ins really change public perception about breastfeeding in public. You're either for it or against it. Does it raise awareness? Maybe for a day. Will nursing women one day be specifically protected under law? Yes, one day. Women's rights activists and the such will continue to lobby the government until a change is made, I'm sure.

In the meantime, if I'm nursing my baby in a restaurant or a store and I'm asked to move or cover up more, what will I honestly respond with? Knowing myself the way I do, I'll probably stand my ground and continue to feed my baby in the manner I see fit. I might even get a little sassy depending on what kind of mood I'm in.

What could happen if I completely refused to comply? Will security come and escort me out? Would they physically drag me outside with a baby on my breast? Would the cops get called because I'm not cooperating and making a scene? It's a such a ridiculous scenario, and I think most nursing mothers would give up well before the situation escalated into something as big as that. To a certain degree, people try to avoid conflict.

I'm a polite enough person, I'm sure it would never come to that anyway. What a great news story though! I've got a lot of friends in broadcast if it ever were to happen for real! One phone call and I'm famous for a day!

Fetal Ultrasound Results

This morning was my first ever ultrasound at the St. Boniface Hospital. One and a half hours before my appointment, I had to drink 500 ml of water. While the tech was performing the test, my bladder actually hurt, especially from all the hard pressing!

The technician was really nice! She let Bob sneak into the room with us and watch the whole procedure. This is not allowed at St. Boniface Hospital and there are signs everywhere saying that family must wait outside and then if time permits, may join afterward. She told us not to tell on her lol!

While the tech was doing her thing, Bob and I got to watch the monitor, but we weren't allowed to talk. She explained she needed silence so she could concentrate on what she was doing and then she'd tell us about the baby afterward. I thought I was going to cry, it was so amazing! The look on Bob's face was priceless. He looked so happy! We would exchange quick glances at each other, smiling excitedly, but for the most part we just wanted to watch our baby on the screen.

While she moved the wand thing over me, I could see every little bone in the spine. I could see the heart beating! She showed us the umbilical cord and stomach. I saw my baby's entire face, the nose, the eyes, the mouth! We even got to see the baby yawn! It was adorable! I saw the baby's footprint, and the fingers too.


While I was following along, I noticed that I didn't see a penis and when the tech left the room and let me get up to go to the washroom, I told Bob that I thought it was a girl. I had looked at dozens of photos online last night so could try to make an educated guess in case they wouldn't tell me anything.

Baby's arms were up high, almost like it was covering it's ears or something. The legs were crossed and the knees were up by the chest. She showed us Baby's bum, bladder, and thighs and then pointed to where the genitalia would be and said that she couldn't see a penis, but that doesn't mean that there isn't one there. The angle of the baby was in such a way that we just couldn't see for sure because of the legs.

She did a bunch of measurements and determined that I was 20 weeks 4 days pregnant, and not 21.5 weeks pregnant like I originally thought. My doctor had given me the due date of October 8th, but the tech said my due date was more likely to be October 13th based on the size of my baby.

She calculated the baby's heart beats per minute and it was 161 beats per minute. I was told this was normal.

The baby's heart rate is not an indication of gender, just an old wives tale. "A study in the mid-1990s, using over 10,000 measurements, dispelled the theory that the speed of a baby's heartbeat predicted whether it would be a boy or a girl." However, if the myth were true, it would be sign that I was having a girl.

I'm not sure if I get to have any more ultrasounds. It would really be nice to have one more in the third trimester and see if we can't get a better look at those sex organs! All in all, I'm just glad that everything's okay and we're all healthy!

Psychiatric Assessment

When I sold my car and went to MPI to cancel my insurance, I had to notify MPI that I had a mental illness. They sent me a letter in the mail saying that MPI is obligated by law to cancel or declass my driver's license should I fail to submit a report prepared by my doctor stating my medical history, diagnosis, symptoms, treatment, side effects of medication, length of stability, affect on daily activities, and my current status and fitness to operation Class 5 motor vehicles.

So, my family physician typed up a little note and then printed off my Psychiatric Assessment that was completed by the resident psychiatrist at Health Sciences. He openly admitted he didn't want to type up everything necessary and added, "see attached" to get himself out of some work. The report is several pages long and very personal. I actually don't feel comfortable submitting it to MPI. I'm going to see if I can get away with submitting only a certain page or something like that because it's more information than I think they need.

Reading the report for the first time was emotional. It was so strange to read what someone else had written about me and oddly fascinating. The thing that was probably most surprising and interesting to me was the Diagnosis Axes.

Axis I - Bipolar Disorder NOS
Axis II - Borderline and narcissistic traits
Axis III - Nil
Axis IV - Financial stressors and Estrangement from father
Axis V - 60

I didn't know what the axes meant, so I looked it up and found this:
Axis I is reserved for clinical disorders and developmental and learning disorders.
Axis II is for personality disorders or mental retardation.
Axis III is for medical and/or physical conditions or disorders.
Axis IV indicates factors contributing to, or affecting, the current psychiatric disorder and treatment outcomes.
Axis V is for the global assessment functioning. This is a 100-point scale that the mental health professional uses to describe the patient’s overall level of performance in usual daily activities and social, occupational, academic and interpersonal functioning.

Here's a paragraph regarding the formulation of my mental illness:

Chelsea is a young woman with features of a mood disorder as well as personality pathology. Many of her character traits including fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, self-injurious behaviour and attempting to gain validation through sexual contact are of the borderline spectrum. These characteristics were likely shaped by the absence and ultimate rejection of her and her family by her father. Her invalidating school experience and romantic relationships also exacerbated her fractured sense of self. The fact she has been able to limit progression of her borderline tendencies somewhat may be evidence of the mitigating effect of her mother's stable influence throughout her life. Contrary to many with a borderline organization, Chelsea has maintained some family and friend relationships as well as steady employment. This is a point in her favour and bodes well for further treatment.

Aside from these developmental and interpersonal issues, it is clear that Chelsea also has a biologically influenced mood disorder. The cyclical nature of her depressive periods and strong features of a hypomanic-like episode point to a diagnosis on the bipolar spectrum.

It was really fucked up to read that about myself, especially since nobody told me about my supposed personality disorder. I just thought I had bipolar. The whole report was my life story and even included things I said verbatim during the assessment in quotations. There's so much covered - my childhood, my high school career, college, family, friends, boyfriends, work... I couldn't read it all in one go because it was just too much to take in all at once. Plus, it was sort of like reliving the past and the report is chock-full of painful memories.

Now I have to submit this to MPI? You've got to be kidding me! Who's going to read this? I didn't even want Bob to read it and he's the father of my unborn child. I read him parts of it that I found note-worthy or interesting, but I strongly feel like MPI doesn't need to know any of it.

I suppose owning a copy of my psychiatric assessment is kind of cool, so at least I got that out of all this. I remember finding my maternal grandfather's medical report from when he had to get a full physical before joining the army. It was pages and pages long and documented everything covered in the physical, and even had information on his dental records. I thought it was really neat and especially loved the bit where it said the only thing wrong with Grandpa was he was slightly flat footed. I'm slightly flat footed as well, so I guess that's where I get it from.

Maybe my doctor's half-assed note he wrote will be enough to appease MPI, but if not, I guess I'll have to submit the whole assessment. It's not worth losing my license over it.

His Bad Habit

My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, has a few bad habits. What's funny is that we share similar bad habits. We both leave dirty dishes out, though somehow his dirty dishes annoy me more than my own, especially the coke bottles and coke cans. We both leave laundry out, however I usually pick mine up off the floor while he leaves his on the bathroom floor for days at a time and that's super annoying. Bathroom space is limited as it is, stepping over his dirty clothes is really irritating. Plus the cats nest on them.

However there is one bad habit he has in particular that I do not possess. He wipes toothpaste on the towels. My last boyfriend also use to do this. It drives me crazy. It drives me so mad, I could break something! I just don't understand how that happens. When you brush your teeth, rinse your fucking face off. How hard is it? There is in fact a huge mirror just above the sink where you can look at yourself to see if there is toothpaste on your face. This should be a non-issue.

I've mentioned several times to him that it bothers me. I have told him nicely. I have yelled at him. I have attempted to use humor to get my point across. I have nagged. I have even tried ignoring it and just throwing the towel in the hamper, but every time I see those white spots on my towels I am just filled with rage, especially when I go to dry my hands and I accidentally touch one of the dirty spots. I could kill him.

I hate this habit of his so much, I would say that if I had to choose between him quitting smoking and him quitting wiping toothpaste on the towels, I would choose him quitting wiping toothpaste on the towels because it is a thousand times more disgusting.

Other than threatening him and publicly humiliating him, my next plan of action is to relentlessly remind him of how disgusting this bad habit is by constantly giving him visual reminders. He's going to start finding dirty, toothpaste covered towels EVERYWHERE! The war is on. If he won't do it on his own accord, I will bully him into submission. (We have a healthy relationship, honest!)

I will not be defeated. He WILL change his ways.

How NOT to Use an Elevator Like a Dipshit

It's quite surprising how many people don't actually know how to use the elevator properly. It's a fairly simple concept, even displayed in such a way that you rarely need to know any language on Earth to use it, yet I am amazed at how many morons that live in my apartment building who still haven't learned how the elevator works.

Let's start slow. When you summon the elevator and it arrives at your floor, wait for the doors to open and allow the passengers inside the elevator to exist before you attempt to enter the elevator. The amount of people who try to barrel their way inside the elevator and then look either upset or surprised that there are people "in the way" trying to get out of the elevator is astonishing. How could you not anticipate other people may have to use the elevator at the same time as you?

Alright, so now you are in the elevator. When choosing the floor you would like to travel vertically to, press the appropriate button once. Just once will do. Pressing the button several times does not make the elevator get there faster. Also relevant to this paragraph - when pressing the Close Door (> <) button, you only need to press it once. Jamming on it does not make the doors close faster.

Oh, but wait! You've been asked to hold the elevator! Quickly, you press the Open Door (< >) button and continue to keep the elevator doors open for as long as possible. The person didn't get there quick enough and suddenly the elevator starts to beep and the doors begin to close. It's a long, continuous beep that everyone in their suites can hear and it is obnoxious to listen to.

There are times when it happens by mistake. However, when you are moving in or out of an apartment suite here at Creekside Terrace, you are able to book the elevator for 90 minutes. To book the elevator means that you have exclusive control over the elevator. There is zero reason to hold the elevator doors open for so long that you induce that horrid beeping noise. Plus, when you do that, you are actually locking the elevator and forcing it to go to a new floor in order to get the doors to open again. You waste time because perhaps the elevator wasn't carrying a full load.

Here's how you move while using the elevator to your advantage: First, you pile the elevator full of your crap you want to move. If the doors want to close, that's fine, just let them close. You can always press the Door Open (< >) button afterward. Just because the elevator doors close doesn't mean it's going to spontaneously start an adventure without human aid. If you don't select a floor to go to, the elevator won't go anywhere.

Use this technique when unloading the elevator as well. Not only is it efficient, but you don't piss off your new neighbours who are trying to go about their morning in peace.

Are your minds sufficiently blown yet? There's more! Let's say you don't have the elevator booked and you do not have exclusive control over the elevator, but you don't want anyone to "steal" the elevator. Many people think holding the elevator door open for as long as possible is the only answer. False!

Here's what you do: Enter the elevator, but do not press any buttons. If the doors start to close, you can safely press the door open button once. Don't hold the button down. If the doors start to close again, let them, however, once they are closed, hit the Door Open (< >) button once quickly. Even if someone has summoned the elevator from a different floor, you have control over the elevator because you are inside of it.

If whoever you're waiting for still hasn't shown up yet, just let the elevator go. Contrary to popular belief, missing the elevator is absolutely nothing at all like missing a bus or missing a flight. The next one will be around in less time than it takes to cook an egg. It's not the end of the world.

I Don't Want to Face The Day...

... Or the next day. Or the day after that. I feel completely overwhelmed and desperate and I know what I have to do to help myself, but I just can't seem to get started. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For all I know, I could be in this tunnel for the rest of my life because I'm not even trying to get through it. I've sat down in the middle of it and I don't want to go on anymore. It's too hard.

There's so many things I wish I would have done differently, and for the first time in my life I'm having some serious regrets about the choices I've made so far. I feel trapped by my own doings, like I've set myself up to fail, and instead of correcting the situation, I'm relying on everyone else to help me fix my mess of a life and I'm forever guilty. I want out. Out of this mess, out of this life. People always tell me how strong they think I am, but they are mistaken because I am actually a weakling, pathetic even.

It's hard to know where to start when there are so many things you need to start doing or stop doing. It's hard to formulate a plan. It's hard to ask for help. It's hard to tell people I'm hurting so badly and I just want Pain to cease to exist for even 10 minutes so I can think clearly for once and maybe even see a glimmer of hope, a single ray of sunshine, letting me know I'm going the right way and I'm going to get through this in one piece.

It's not as easy as being steadfast, plodding through the darkness until I reach the end. Not all tunnels lead you out. I'm in an underground mine, with an entire series of tunnels and every flashlight found has dead batteries. I could be going in a circle. I could be going toward a dead end. As drained as I am, the only thing left keeping me going is knowing that people trapped in mines always hear help coming before they see it. Perhaps I don't need my eyes after all.

Allowance and Chores

I've been thinking about what I want to do about allowance and chores for Baby. I never received an allowance growing up. Anything school related, Mom paid for. We went shopping for new clothes at least once a year to replace articles I grew out of, but I also received clothes as gifts during birthdays and Christmas. I lived in a small town, so even if I had an allowance, I had nowhere to spend it other than to buy junk food at the Drive-In or convenience store.

When I turned 12, I did have a lucrative babysitting career for about 4 years and made quite a bit of money, which I'm sure I spent it all on clothes and didn't save a dime.

I never actually had set chores growing up either. In the summer I would cut the grass, and in the fall I would help stack firewood for winter. I was taught how to clean, like how to dust, vacuum, sweep, wash mirrors, ect, but the one chore my sister and I sort of shared was washing the dishes. This was my most hated chore and I despise it to this day. I would rather break a dish and replace it than wash it.

So, thinking about my own child, living in the city means there will be more opportunities to go shopping and spend money. I would like to teach my child how to save money and how to earn money. The internet suggests a dollar per age per week. I think that's too much for educational purposes. By that math, my 5 year old will be earning $20 a month. If I make him save 10% like suggested, he'll still have way too much disposable income for a 5 year old.

Because this allowance will not be linked to chores and is just at teaching tool, I've decided to give a dollar per age a month with the rule that 20% must be saved. So, my five year old saves a dollar and has $4 to spend on whatever for the month. More than enough candy can be bought for $4! Incomplete chores will result in a loss of a privilege instead of a loss of allowance money.

However, by the time my child turns 8, it's possible there are certain games or toys that he'll want to buy. After saving 20%, the remaining $6.40 doesn't go very far. That's why I'd like to introduce chores that can be done for money. These would be special chores done on top of the regular, unpaid chores; things like dusting the whole house, or washing all the windows.

I like this idea because it teaches a child that some things are worth working for and when you put in good effort, you will be rewarded. In a world of instant gratification, it also teaches that some things are worth waiting for. When my 8 year old has to save up 3 months worth of allowance, plus do extra chores for money, just to buy that one special game, it will be so rewarding in the end!

When my child turns 12, I've decided a raise will be in order: $2 per age a month. A 12 year old starts to have a social life and after saving the 20%, there will be $19.20 left over to spend. Is that even going to be enough to see one movie at the theater? By the time my kid turns 12, probably not. On top of the extra chores that can be done for money, I expect my 12 year old to start looking outside the home for job opportunities. Things like babysitting, dog walking, or a paper route are all appropriate. So many life skills can be learned, I won't even list them all!

At 15 years old, my child will collect allowance for the final year. After saving 20%, a pitiful $24 will be available to spend a month. You can't even buy a new pair of jeans at the mall for that amount of money! This allowance system is set up sort of like welfare. It provides the absolute bare minimum needed for my child to go out and have fun once a month and leaves no room for extras. Extra spending money has to be earned by working and by saving up. If I gave my teen $15 a week, like the internet suggested, that's $60 a month and there's no incentive to earn any extra money. Plus, Bob and I don't want to break the bank on allowance money.

When my child turns 16, the allowance stops. Whether my kid has a drivers' license or not, he can go and get a part time job somewhere. The 20% rule won't be enforced anymore, but hopefully it will be ingrained after so many years of doing it. The other great thing about turning 16 is that all that money saved over the years will total to $393.60 not including gift money or other earned money that was saved. It might even be well over $500 for all I know!

The money can be spent in a number of ways: As a down payment on a car, for a special trip, or it can be reinvested so that the nest egg grows even larger. Our Baby saved that money diligently for 10 years and I think something really special should be done with it, but it will ultimately be my teen's choice. At 16, our kid should have an excellent grasp on the basics of money and I trust it won't be spent foolishly. The money doesn't have to be spent on university either since Bob and I plan on setting up an RESP as soon as Baby's born.

Hopefully in the end we will have raised a child who possesses a wonderful work ethic, can handle finances properly, and will truly appreciate all the great things that can be done with money when you plan ahead. I've been struggling with money matters for so many years, I definitely had to learn budgeting the hard way, but hopefully my kid won't incur as much debt as quickly as I have in my life and won't have to rely on others for financial support.

Rocky Start To My Makeover

For my birthday I wanted new clothes. It's been forever since I've gone shopping for myself and bought clothes for myself. I received two lovely shirts from Bob's parents and then I received money from other family members to go out and buy some stuff I like.

Here's the problem: I went out today all ready to spend some money, but when I started trying on clothes, I realized that my body has changed so much I don't even know what size I am anymore! I've worn Medium sized clothes for so many years, but my body doesn't look like that anymore. My shape is entirely different now, not in a bad way, just different from what I'm used to shopping for.

It was so laborious trying to find a shirt or dress that I liked, that would look nice on me, and that I could fit into. It wasn't as simple as trying something on in a Large either. Out of habit, I grabbed a lot of clothes that would have fit my pre-pregnant body, just in a size up, but it didn't work. It would cut in the wrong place, or I thought I looked like a cow, and sometimes even in a Large it was too small, (depending on the store I was in.)

Trying on bras was a nightmare! I measured myself a few days ago and determined my new bra size and sister-bra sizes. I must have tried on 20 bras, all different sizes and styles and brands. It was exhausting! Six garment limit is not enough!

However I am the proud new owner of a 36C bra! (I used to be a 36B.) I hope my tits stay this big forever!

Even though today was a bust for me at the mall, I did come home with a new pair of leggings, a new bra, and 2 new camisoles. It's not exactly the makeover I was hoping for, but there's still a lot of money left to spend and I still need to get my hair done!

How I Spent My Birthday

In a nutshell, I spent my birthday extremely ill and and in tears.

Around Monday or Tuesday is when I first starting feeling like a cold was coming on. Wednesday when I saw my doctor for a routine exam, I told him I had caught a cold. He told me there was nothing I could take and said Tylenol was it. I also told him that I hadn't been sleeping well. Every night I'd sleep for 4 or 5 hours and often had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. The doctor chalked it up to Bipolar and had no advice for me.

Thursday I woke up at 7am after only sleeping 3 hours. I babysat until noon and then showed my car to a couple who was interested in buying it. Bob went out and bought 2 new bookshelves and a wall mount for the TV as part of my birthday gift. My good friends Jen and Scott live on the 3rd floor of building, so we went over there to play games and borrow some tools.

Even though I was sick, we stayed pretty late. When we went back up to our suite, I was tired, but sort of restless. I decided to sleep on the couch to avoid disturbing Bob's sleep. I started to play Superbad on Netflix to give me some background noise to help me fall asleep. I ended up watching the entire movie. At 3am I was still awake. And at 4am and at 5am too. My throat hurt and my nose was so congested, I couldn't breathe, but I couldn't blow anything out either.

Exhausted, I bawled my eyes out on the couch. This helped unclog one nostril, which was fantastic!

Finally at 6am I climbed into bed beside Bob and woke him up and told him I still had not fallen asleep yet. I had literally been awake for 23 hours straight. Bob got up and got me a meal replacement shake to drink because I was starving, but didn't have the energy to move again. I drank it and slept for 4 hours.

I woke up sometime after 10am feeling sicker than ever. Bob and spent the day redecorating and reorganizing the living room. I had previously made sure to set my Facebook Timeline so that nobody could post on it. I didn't want 100 Happy Birthday wishes cluttering things up. I still got private messages and text messages though, so that was nice to hear from my friends.

That evening, Bob ordered Chinese take-out from our favourite place and we invited Jen and Scott to come up and celebrate with us. Scott helped Bob mount the TV on the wall and we played Catan. It was another late night, but Bob had picked up some Nytol, a sleeping aid safe for pregnant ladies to use. I took it and it made me feel drunk. I could barely walk. It made my body feel very heavy and I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I couldn't have slept an hour before waking up again, feeling completely out of it. The sleeping pill hadn't worked. My forehead felt like it was on fire, but my entire body was shivering. I checked my temperature and it was on the high end of normal, but I know the reading was off because I couldn't take my temperature under my tongue because I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. I heated up some milk in a saucepan and made myself hot chocolate. I drank it and the most bizarre thing happened - I entered this state of mania that I have never experienced before. My thoughts were racing like never before and I suddenly had poetry on the brain. There was so much poetry, I couldn't keep track of it all, but I really wanted to because it was the most profound ideas I've ever had! I started writing it all down but I couldn't keep up.

I wrote two full pages, no spaces, of complete and utter nonsense. By this time, Bob was awake and in the living room. I showed him a page of poetry I had written and collapsed on the couch. I wanted to go back to bed, but I could no longer move my own body or stand on my own. Bob was frustrated with my lack of motor skills and very tired. It was just like I was drunk. I couldn't stand up straight or walk and I was crying very hard.

Bob helped me through the obstacle course that is our kitchen. Furniture and tripping hazards were everywhere from when we were redoing the living room. I got back into bed and starting writing more "poetry."

Slowly the thoughts died down and I was able to fall asleep for a few hours. In the morning I woke up and remembered how crazy the night was. I read over my poetry with Bob and it was totally out there and made no sense. I couldn't spell, had made up words, and there was no grammar rules in place or anything. There were no line breaks or any indications of where one poem started or finished. They just all ran together. It was just a mess of randomness. Here are some samples verbatim:

Eternally internally how does your garden grow? With peanut shells and clucking bells and inmates all in a row. Thank you! After Elvis leaves the building, do we leave our hearts on the porches of farmers like sleeping dogs wait? I shant shat on an idea so profound, I fondly found it floundering like a goldfish in my brain cavity swimming to and fro much like the proverbial hamster spins the wheel indicating the lights are on, but nobodies home

And,

Three tier tiramissu Trois pier one imported goods like angle dust and rockabilly rhythm guitarist Pierse Bronwyn Von Blunkle boon the third. Shan't you see upon the eyes of me that compelling compositions Betwoven composed irregularis probiotic Bionic Bunnies. Mustard yellow hallows hallways Colonol kernel kernhill furniture. Droling on about drooling drones prescribed to look like descriptive trolls.

Also,

Trobopple Toppleopolis where fruit punch runs a plenty. Kerbopple Kaboom Kon Keisterdoor, a frame without a hue. Workopolis hired me to renovate the metropolis. I took the metro to the paperstand to read the metro's currant raisin events. It was uneventful and I felt awake with sleepless slumber. Tumbering tumoltously.

 I have never written anything like this in my life before. After being awake for a few hours, I was so delirious from sleep exhaustion, or possibly I was rapid cycling, but I went into the bedroom to try to sleep some more and I ended up crying inconsolably. I told Bob I couldn't take it anymore and I wanted an abortion because I couldn't keep living like this... There was no end in sight... My body wasn't meant to give life... My baby would be born retarded anyway because I wasn't eating or sleeping or having a clean pregnancy.

I eventually calmed down and started having this weird lucid dream where I thought I was carrying Satan's baby and I had to abort it or it would eventually kill me. I cried softly to myself and Bob was there comforting me the whole time.

Later on I checked online to see if the Nytol I took had anything to do with my out of character behavior. Turns out the active medical ingredient, diphenhydramine hydrochloride, has been known to induce a manic episode after only a single dose.

A list of symptoms that matched mine included: impaired motor skills, unusual weakness, chills, low fever, dizziness, difficulty breathing, and manic symptoms. Apparently we should have immediately sought medical attention. I may or may not follow up with my family doctor.

This year will go down as the absolute worst birthday I have ever had in my entire life.

Decorating Baby's Room

On the internet, people like to talk about the different economical ways you can decorate your newborn's room. There is always at least someone who writes in the comments, "I don't think the baby's going to care what the bedroom looks like."

Au contraire! A room that is decorated properly helps give the baby visual interest while awake in the room and can stimulate that growing brain. A baby would much rather be in a room with colour and different shapes to look at as opposed to a grey prison cell with nothing to look at and nothing to stimulate the mind. I would have to say that most, if not all, humans would rather be in a decorated room as opposed to a prison cell.

That being said, while the baby's room doesn't have to look like it came out of a Martha Stewart catalogue,  I do think parents should try their best to give their baby a first bedroom to be proud of.

Bob and I have never had the money to decorate our apartment to our tastes, buy all the matching furniture, and have everything set up just perfect. We pretty much just make do with what we have. The baby's room is going to be a hodge-podge of second hand items donated to me by friends and family members. Bob and I really grateful for this because we can't afford to buy any of it! My entire adult life I've been living with second hand furniture and I think it would be wasteful to go out and buy all new baby gear when perfectly good items, some hardly used, are just sitting there for me to take home!

I'm in an apartment. I can't paint the white walls, nor can I rip out the off-white carpet. The venetian blinds are white and really don't block out light very well. If I'm going to spend any money on anything, I am going to buy a curtain rod to hang over the window and new curtains for better light control in the room.

I could get a fun, little area rug to break up the dull carpet, but the cats would ruin it in a week, so I'm not wasting my money on that. To break up the walls, I might put up shelves to house some of my stuffed animals from when I was a child. Mom kept all my favourite children's books so those are going up on a shelf, or taller bookcase. I even have my pink ceramic bunny that my Aunt made for me.

Finally, I want to get some wall decals, but not just any old baby or toddler decals. I want these decals to reflect mine and Bob's tastes. I want them to be fun, but not an advertisement for a show I never watched as a child. I want them to be something that will last for several years. So far I've found these.

I like the silly fruits and vegetables and obviously I love cats! I hope I can find better cat decals too. I was also thinking of using something more abstract, like different sized shapes or just any other weird looking design.

That's a design that will stand the test of time and not get outdated in 2 years. They stick on the wall and peel off again easily, so as our child grows, he or she can start placing them around the room however which way he or she wants.

And even though I do plan on finding out the sex of the baby, I want the baby's room to be decorated in a unisex sort of way. Perhaps talking about gender stereotypes is beyond the scope of this particular blog post, but when your little girl's wardrobe consists of pink and purple, and her bedroom is decorated pink and purple, and even her fucking plastic cups and bowls are pink and purple, and all her fairies and princess dolls are wearing pink and purple I just want to puke. It starts when they're infants you know!

My final thoughts on decorated the baby's room includes a SpongeBob SquarePants theme. It is my favourite cartoon and dear to my heart. I have quite a bit of paraphernalia in my house already. Bob is a huge sci-fi nerd and loves shows about the universe. A space theme would be neat to do as well. Glow in the dark stars are always fun and I bet Aunty Carly would love to recreate those constellations on my ceiling like she had in her bedroom growing up.