The Reason Why You Are Fat

The bf and I like to watch The Biggest Loser on tv. I don't find it nearly as interesting as he does, but it's entertaining watching people transform into something better and healthier. The cathartic process the contestants go through, finding themselves and confronting the real reasons behind why they eat and why they are fat really got me thinking about my own weight and life issues.

I know when I started to gain weight. November 2011, 2 months after quitting CBC. Breaking my collar bone, getting pregnant, and not working for a year really helped me pack on the pounds, but there was something deeper behind the weight gain that I realized last night. I don't have a career and I deal with it by eating.

Depressed isn't a word I would use to describe myself today, however, it depresses me to think about how I am not qualified to do anything but babysit, bus tables, and work cash registers. Not having a car makes me feel even worse. And who will look after Tesla if I do find a job somewhere I can bus to and how will Tesla get there? Plus, I need appropriate work clothes and shoes since nothing from my old life fits me anymore. It's easier just sitting on the couch with a bag chips and watching Netflix.

The main reason I quit working at CBC was because I wanted to change careers. That never happened. I got caught in a limbo where my circumstances changed and my goals were set back significantly. I can't get a new career because I don't have the education, yet I can't go back to my old career because of my injury. (I can't carry a tripod over my shoulder because it would aggrivate where I broke my collar bone.)

So, what am I supposed to do to rectify this? I can't continue to sit on the couch, eating chips, ruminating on how sucky my life has become. Feeling sorry for myself got me fat.

I can accept my new life as a stay at home mom and try to make the best of it. Instead of pursing my career goals I can feel satisfied knowing I'm giving my daughter the best possible care by staying with her at home and raising her my way. Perhaps I can work part time weekends at some shitty minimum wage dead end job for extra cash for the family.

or

I can apply for a mature student loan and go back to school full time this year. Tesla will have to go to daycare and Bob and I will struggle to pay all our bills for the next ten years, but at least I'll have a shot at happiness and a real career too.

Having the title of Stay At Home Mom on my business card is not enough for me.  I'm a terrible housewife anyway. I don't want to wait until I'm in my thirties to go back to school. Even if I end up having another child and don't do anything with my degree, I want it. I want it to say that I have it and to make myself feel good and useful. Feeling stuck and helpless is the reason why I am fat.

I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life, but personally, I think a much worse fate would be to have no career for the rest of my life. Having that degree will open a lot of doors for me. I don't have to walk through them, but at least I can get a good cross breeze and feel comfortable knowing the option is there.